SD's refusal to go to school- headed for a full psych eval
Last week, I reported that SD12 refused to go to school on Tuesday and Wednesday and BM expected FDH to "roll up his sleeves" and parent. In other words, she wanted him to take off work, come to her house and do something about it. He didn't. He picked her up Wednesday after work, we went to dinner and attended MSD's school play. SD was fine and happy the whole time.
The next morning, he took SD to school and she was fine. Low and behold, when she was back with BM on Friday morning, she suddenly refused to go to school again. I guess BM called FDH and they talked about it. She said she'd called SD's therapist (that she never takes her to see). The therapist told her she is referring her to the psychiatrist in her practice to do a full psych evaluation on SD. They are especially concerned because FDH has some serious mental illness in his family so there is a decent chance, from a genetic standpoint, that there is more going on here with SD.
On one hand, I am happy they are doing this and if she really does have something more going on, it would be helpful information. I may be wrong but my gut is telling me that it's really going to boil down to permissive parenting and coddling SD as the cause of her thinking she can tell adults what she will and will not do. Also, she obviously needs regular counseling and she's not getting that. We shall see.
Side note-- I saw my own psychiatrist last week as a follow-up. He asked about my home life and stressors so I told him about this situation. He was like "Oh God.... that's really hard..." especially when he heard about BM. I asked him if he had any ideas to help SD and he basically said "regular counseling and LOTS of very tough love". Same advice her two counselors and my counselor said.
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Comments
Yes, it definitely sounds
Yes, it definitely sounds like more of a parenting issue than anything. If it were truly a psych issue, her behavior would be much more consistent across different environments.
Well, maybe SD needs the
Well, maybe SD needs the bigger energy of that to feel that it's not a game anymore... and maybe BM needs that bigger push too. Though it doesn't sound like much of BM's behavior would change.
And all this stress on you and dh. Take care of each other!
I agree that a lot of this
I agree that a lot of this falls on BM. I think SD DOES have issues (social anxiety, lots of phobias) but I feel that most of that is fueled by the coddling and BM's permissiveness. To be fair, FDH only has her one weekday usually so it's not completely fair to say that she is better here. It's a lot easier to get her to school one day a week versus 4.
With that said, BM totally needs counseling and parenting class refresher. FDH starts his own therapy tonight but not sure what he plans to discuss. I think SD would show a LARGE improvement if SD had real structure, consequences and general active parenting in both houses.
It gets better. I just heard
It gets better. I just heard that I was misinformed. The counselor didn't suggest the full psych eval. BM called the counselor and left her messages b/c BM is the one who thinks she needs a full psych eval. Three messages later and counselor hasn't called back.
Also found out that MSD has an appt with the counselor coming up soon too.
So, let's step back and look at the full picture:
SS- In college- doing great-- revered by both BM and FDH.
OSD- Decided to spend her last year of HS living in another state with her grandparents. (Basically checked out)
MSD- Great kid but now having issues. Recently said she's sick of being good all the time and her jerky younger sister acts horribly, treats everyone badly and gets rewards. Now off to counselor herself.
YSD- Doesn't really go to school, no real friends, refuses visitation, throws serious tantrums, etc... barely goes to counseling, BM (CP) ignores therapists' advice and NOW thinks it's her issue and she needs a full pysch eval.
Hmmmm....
Sounds like she's refusing to
Sounds like she's refusing to go to school because BM gives in and lets her stay home. How is that so hard to figure out? BM needs to either ignore her antics and make her go to school or hand over custody to your DH and HE can make her go to school.
instead of trying to "rescue"
instead of trying to "rescue" sd while she's in bm's care, maybe he needs to tell his ex that if she is incapable of making a child go to school that he could take sd off her hands. and that she's forcing him to parent from afar and prefers to parent in his own home. worked miracles for my dh's ex when she realized she may have to give up some of her support money if dh went after full custody.
Well, he'd have to be REALLY
Well, he'd have to be REALLY prepared to back his words. BM might just take the bait. That would mean that she'd have to change schools (again-- she just started a new school) as we live in a different area. Honestly, I don't know that he's ready to take that jump. I've told him that I fully understand he needs to do whatever he needs to in order to help his daughter, including having her move in. But I was clear that she would need many things that I am not prepared to provide. I am sure he thought that since I work from home I would help with her after school but I can't and won't. So, he knows he'd have to arrange for someone to come in after school, supervise her and her diabetes, ensure she gets her homework done, make dinner for her (he often gets home around 9PM-- works very long hours). And when he travels, which is often, she'd have to stay with BM who would then have to drive her to and from school on those days.
I know it might sound mean to some. But I didn't create this problem and won't be saddled with their mess while BM throws up her hands and FDH works and travels. He'd have to put all that in place in order for me to agree. And even then, there is a possibility I may move out at the end of the lease if her behavior doesn't take a drastic turn. She is a very difficult person and I just don't know if I can live with her under these circumstances. I wouldn't break up with him but we might need two residences.
Frankly, I think FDH is lazy. Example: he doesn't follow-up on her therapy or stuff like that. So I can't imagine him REALLY wanting her to live here full time. But if he decides to do it, I will support but with those conditions in place.
I fear if he mentions this, BM will go for it b/c she doesn't want to get kicked out of her BF's house when he realizes what a mess this crap is. And then she'd somehow perceive this as her right to be completely intrusive in our household. It smells of a mess to me.
she's using her daughter as
she's using her daughter as an excuse NOW to reach into your home. your dh sounds like mine...doesn't want to do the hard parenting and the follow through, but is more than willing to ride in on his horse to save the day. bm tried that crap of having dh come to her house and discipline ss. I had to put an end to that shit. it WAS a gamble and I thought she was going to go for it, but when she found out that no, she would NOT be receiving child support she back pedaled on giving dh custody. whew! dodged a bullet there! but, in the end her greed was and is always more important than her kids. bm still tries to occasionally draw dh in to rescue her from her parenting duties. she's tried twice this week. once dh didn't respond to a voice mail, the other time he told her he was not getting involved in the problems she has at her house. he doesn't call her when he has problems with ss, he handles them on his own. we've had to do "parallel parenting" apart from this pitiful excuse of a mother. your dh does have a choice. you are willing to help him help his daughter. he's chosen not to. fine. but he doesn't get to tear your home apart anyway with all these problems. he either faces them and do what needs to be done, or he does what he can on his time and allows bm to do her thing on her time. but he'll need to put bm in her place one way or the other. he needs to step up or shut up!
Yes. I looked into the
Yes. I looked into the truancy laws last term when she started this nonsense and the school threatened BM. She was put in the Hospital Homebound program then to avoid that. The rule is that she must have 15 unexcused absences in a 90 day period. By my count, she's missed about 3-4 since school started for BS reasons/ refusal. She had some other excused absences due to health issues. So she hasn't hit the radar yet. But she'll hit the 15 days fast if this keeps up.
truancy laws are a joke.
truancy laws are a joke. both my ss have missed a ton of school. both have been held back a year because of it. when ss17 was finally cornered, dh and bm signed a paper saying that it was all ss17's fault so that he could begin a "diversion" program. bm was NEVER held accountable.