Dentist/Doctors
Hi All,
I'm just wondering if my DH is asking too much from the BM by requesting the following:
1) All SD's doctors/dentists/etc be in the same town that both bio-parents live in? Currently the BM has SD's pediatrician almost 50 miles away in City A (50 miles in a one way trip from either our home or BM's home), SD's eye doctor about the same distance away as pediatrician but in another town (City 
than pediatrician (even though the same eye doctor has an office right across the street from BM's work location less than 1/2 mile from BM's home?!?!) and SD's dentist is supposedly in another city in City C (other than the two previous cities I mentioned) that is about the same distance away as the other two. Currently according to the court order DH and the BM are supposed to agree on certain things, such as non-emergency healthcare providers (ie. the ones I listed above). However since their separation in early 2004 the BM has not allowed DH to be a part of these decisions. DH has been requesting since 2005 (when DH found out SD pediatrician had been changed by the BM without permission) SD's doctors/dentists/etc be located in the same town as BOTH bio-parents live. IS DH ASKING TOO MUCH?? Also does anyone know how a "contempt" issue like this gets addressed & handled by the court?
2) SD has not been to the dentist since April 2006! As soon as we found out about this from the online insurance website (around October 2007), DH started requesting the BM to take SD to dentist immediately. Especially since SD has had cavities at both of her dental check up visits, even since her first dental visit when she was 4! SD has only been to two check up dental visits & one visit to get a filling for a cavity. So that's a total of 3 visits to a dentist since SD was 4 years old---SD is now 7. Thus in three years she has had three dental visits. DH does not have SD during the week unless during holidays or over summer or else we would be taking SD ASAP! DH has sent at least three letters to the BM concerning this issue. Plus DH has repeatedly requested that the BM take SD to dentist OR if not the BM can give permission for DH to take SD during time that is not our scheduled visitation time.
To let you know the BM has not responded to any of our requests nor taken SD to dentist for a check-up. Is my DH asking to much in these requests?
- Anne Summers's blog
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Comments
Familiar road for me...
You are going to have to have your attorney petition the courts to have all of this done. Yes, the birth parents are suppose to have joint decision making, but the only way to enforce it is to hire an attorney....OR go to dispute resolution first (a mediator instead and some divorce papers require this step first), and proceed from there.
Dispute resolution sometimes can be hard to find, so call your attorney and ask what they suggest. Dispute resolution is a place that charges way less than an attorney, only the birth parents go, and there is an attorney and a counselor there to try to get the birth parents to communicate. Even though bm refuses to allow dh to participate in anything, they will really work on her. If your sd truly has cavities, bring all documentation to support that. If bm can't/won't take time off work to take care of these things, then she has no choice but to let dh have sd to do these. This is a power game, and until you proceed with either an attorney or drc, sd will go without proper care.
With that said, when my ss was 6 he had 3 rotting teeth in his mouth infecting his jaw bone and we were in the same exact situation you are in. DH only got ss eow, timeframes that dentists don't work in, and bm refused to take him. During one of our many court visits, we included in our petition that bm had to take ss to the dentist to resolve rotting teeth matter by a certain date, or she was going to be held in contempt of court. She did follow through with that.
The rotting teeth will be easier to resolve than the alienation. You probably won't ever get that resolved until she finds a man of her own and then wants to get sd out of her hair. No you are not asking too much, but it's really hard to enforce bm to comply with the parenting plan unless you feel like spending a butt load on an attorney. It really depends on if you are okay spending a lot of money for results you may not like. The legal system is never fair towards fathers and even though you spend the money, there is never a guarantee you will get the result you are looking for.
Sorry for sounding so gloomy, this is just my experience. Accept that you may not be able to change this, and try to move forward knowing that you did your best. That is all you can do.
Bests,
Candice
Been there, Done that
Hiya Candice,
Sorry to say but we've been back and forth to lawyers(3)/court/mediation/etc. Nothing has worked in our favor, but nothing has been resolved since 2005 either.
Mediation in the state of SC is null & void if one of the parties no longer agrees with what he/she agreed to in mediation, which was court ordered BTW! Thus that spendy little trip an hour away did us absolutely no good! Ack! Plus now the judge says we can't even bring up the mediation because according to state law it's not allowed---Go Figure??
The court refuses to hold BM in contempt of anything until the still pending court hearing/issues are resolved. All I have to say is so far the judicial system in this little town is awful! I'm from this same state (another town) and our Family Court has never been this bad!
Also every attorney that DH has had will never back us up on things. Like contempt of court (multitude of things), SD's health, poor quality of living (clothes with lots of holes, shoes WAY too small, etc). They always say unless BM is an alcholic or druggie that we don't have anything to hold against her?!?!
I guess I know when SD gets old enough we have plenty of written proof (emails from BM, etc) that show what went through over the course of SD's life. I just hope one day SD can ask her BM why she was treated this way by BM. I can hope.
Wow that is really bad
sorry to hear that you have already tried these ideas and the system is still failing you guys. To add insult to injury...rotting teeth are not a sign of neglect either...in my state at least.
You know what you do Anne Summers, you realize you can change bm, that you have exhausted everything you know in your power to try to help this little girl, and you just can't legally remove the road blocks. You just can't. don't internalize the anger and resentment, move forward, know you did your best, and unfortunately, bm is just a crappy mother who doesn't love her own child enough to take care of her.
The whole dental thing is such a big issue with me, gum disease leads to other illness, and if you can't take care of your mouth, that is just gross!
Our bm does this type of stuff too, she likes to keep us in the dark all the time, except when she needs money of course, and even then, we are bastards to ss, it just disgusts me, but then I reflect back and begin to say to myself....wow, ss has such a bad mother, she doesn't love her kids enough to get her act together, and the only reason she had kids was b/c she thought they were going to give her a meal ticket, and they are horribly unpleasant to be around. I can't save the world, and I'm not willing to exhaust my sanity for people who really don't appreciate me, and for people who continuously use others. I just won't save the world for those types of people. If they want to think I'm evil, well it's just them trying to force a guilt trip over me, and that ain't happenin'!
You already know one day sd is going to ask her dad why things went the way they did....and if she doesn't, it's because she's reading the handwriting on the wall...:wink:
Hugs,
Candice
All I can add is to document
All I can add is to document everything. Every phone call or letter to BM, every meeting w/ attorney - take notes and hire a court reporter if you need to to get accurate minutes, contact the bar association if you really believe that the attorneys are not fulfilling their duties to your DH as a client. Document everything the BM does and does not do, dates and times included to help your case along. I assume that many attorneys can't help you if you do not have specific documented information. i.e the difference in saying "she never takes care of SD health" vs "on march 1, june 1 and sept 1, we sent letters to the BM requesting that SD teeth are rotten and need dental care"
I can't help but wonder if the information is not getting effectively communicated to the attorneys. I am really surprised that 3 attorneys would all refuse to help. Is it possible that the information you are getting from your DH is inaccurate? Is there any possibility that he is speaking with them or their paralegals and the information is not getting passed along appropriately? I know that the system isn't perfect, but this sounds odd to me.
Documents---Have Plenty
Ever since I moved to this town (only because I adore my husband) I have requested him to do everything in writing. Although I personally have never been thru a divorce, but I do know that you need to document every little thing.
My mom went thru 10 years of court etc after she and my Bio-father divorced. I know you have to be firm with lawyers (something I think my DH lacks). My mom went thru a few lawyers too until she found a really great one---that lawyer is now a Judge. So I know not all lawyers suck.
Anywho, back to the documents. We have document after document. From emails to print outs of when SD has been to doctors.
The first lawyer I think was just truly out for the money, didn't understand why BM was such a pain, and was a little befuddled for the most part. Lawyer #1's ex lived a couple of blocks from him, still talked to him like a human being, plus he had every other FULL week with his kids. So I truly think he didn't understand what it was like to have a BM like DH's BM. Before the third court date (to put mediation into an order) we even handed him details regarding every visit, email, etc. Lawyer #1 never used it!
Lawyer #2---Well, for the most part I can't say anything bad about Lawyer #2. I work with him on a professional level (not in his office, but helping clients with real estate closings). Lawyer #2 was only helping out of courtesy for me. Lawyer #2 helped us with things---he listened---agreed (for the most part) with us, BUT he actually told us (from the beginning) that he really didn't handle this type of case anymore. I told my DH this but he insisted on using Lawyer #2.
Lawyer #3---Lawyer #2 referred us to Lawyer #3. At first I liked #3, but my fondness began to wane when he started backing off his positive comments. Every time my DH had a problem DH would call lawyer. For example---SD is supposed to be with DH on certain holidays. DH is supposed to pick up SD 5 PM the day prior to holiday. However on certain holidays like MLK, if the holiday falls on Monday/Friday then it includes Saturday & Sunday. Ok, well DH & I both agree that means we pick up SD on Friday at 5 PM. BM says no, that it's 5 PM on Saturday. Lawyer #3 agrees with BM!?!? I still don't but okie dokie. It was that among other things #3 would not back us up on. DH gave Lawyer #3 two big binders of emails/school reports/etc. Never used.
Plus all three lawyers said it would only take one court date to resolve everything---haha, how not true is that one?
It's disappointing but for the most part I feel sorry for DH & SD.
Yes, it's too much to ask.
Apparently. But hey, you're lucky. We can't get our BM to tell us who the doctors, teachers, etc. even are, let alone get her to cooperate enough to let us be a part of these things. My DH has visitation rights only... BM has sole physical and legal custody, meaning she doesn't have to legally consult with him for shit. We're totally in the dark and have been for years. She won't even use our insurance that we're required to carry on the kids because she doesn't want us to have access to any of their medical records, even insurance EOBs. My husband will forever feel enormous guilt for agreeing to this custody arrangement, because it essentially cuts him out of his kids' lives. But at this point, it's done. There's nothing we can do but accept that she's the sole decision-maker for these kids and DH has no say in anything.
What kind of custody arrangement does your DH and BM have? Not talking physical custody, but legal custody? If he doesn't specifically share legal custody with her, then she doesn't have to have his permission to do anything with the kids. As for contempt, I doubt a judge would do anything with this unless you can prove it's detrimental to the kids.
I say as long as she is taking them to the doctor/dentist, then who cares where she takes them? Some people only do the dentist yearly. Maybe she's one of them. Who knows? I vote to let it go, unless you want to waste a lot of time, energy and money to hear a judge tell you the same thing.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Court Order
Hiya Anne,
Currently DH & BM are abiding by the original court order that was issued when they divorced. DH continually states he wants more time with SD. DH regrets not getting more time in the beginning.
Since the court date in 2005 the judge (court) says that they have joint legal custody with BM have primary residence & DH having visitation. The order actually states that it is to be a joint decision between both BM & DH on the following: education, religion & non-emergency healthcare.
There are other "rules" that are spelled out too. One being that BM cannot move without sending certified letter 60 days prior to moving so that DH can agree with move. HOWEVER---BM has moved about five times & never giving my DH any clue until AFTER BM & SD have moved. Most, if not all of these "rules" have been broken by BM. DH's lawyer (#1) brought these up to judge as contempt. Judge said that the contempt issues were to be resolved in mediation, but if not resolved in mediation then can re-evaluate contempt issues. The court thing is still dragging on thus contempt issues have not been looked at again by judge (yet!).
Even though the original court order states that DH has joint decision making in those areas he never is allowed to by BM. Currently the only reason why we know when SD does/doesn't go to doctor/dentist/eye doctor/etc is because BM uses DH's insurance for SD. Both the doctor & dental insurance have great websites that show dates of service, which doctor, etc. This is one of the only reasons DH knows anything about SD's health issues.
BM NEVER tells DH anything about SD's health. For example, DH & I went to visit SD at school but SD was not there b/c according to teacher BM had called to say SD was sick. Ok, I understand that there is no real reason to contact either parent when SD is sick (mainly minor), but it would be nice to get an occasional message saying SD doesn't feel good. The only time BM ever kept DH aware of when SD was sick was back in 2005/2006. BM would call up/email DH to say that SD was sick and DH shouldn't pick up SD. This stopped shortly after I came into the picture because I told DH that SD was his child too and he is just as capable taking care of SD as BM is. Right?
As far as education/school/teacher/etc goes DH & I have to find out on our own which teacher SD has every year. We have to talk to the teacher to find out SD's progress, etc. We have to go on school website or call the school to find out about vacations, special events, grades, etc. DH & I make an effort to make our presence known with the school, teacher, other staff, etc. I was the one who made the suggestion of visiting SD at school for lunch, recess, etc. I told him that there is no physical order (ie. restraining) to keep him from seeing SD in public places, even school. We really started visiting school after BM decided not ot go along with mediation where we getting to see SD at least one school day a week (overnight). Once BM figured out we were going about once a week to visit at school then BM started yanking the kid out of school saying SD was sick all the time.
Also in my state (SC) any parent has the legal right to their child's school, medical, school events, etc (even if parents are divorced). The state says that as long as there is no court order stating that the parents can't do this then either parent has these rights. I even found this in the state law that way if anyone ever says anything we have legal proof that DH has these rights to his child.
The main issue DH has when it comes to doctors/dentists is for SD's health.
SD hasn't visited a dentist in over a year and a half. With SD's history of a cativity-filled mouth, DH does think it is detrimental to the health of child. I understand that some people only go to dentist every year (or years), but I don't think it's appropriate for SD. I, myself, have a 10 year old son. Thank goodness he has never had a cavity one, but I still try to maintain his six month dental check-ups.
As far as the doctors go I think BM had been overly abusing that part of it. That is until the mediated visitation was revoked by BM. Thus limiting DH to very little time with SD. When SD comes over to visit with us we make sure SD had healthy meals (unlike BM's home full of sugar---hence the cavities). Most of the times SD came over she was like a druggie coming off of high, but instead of drugs it was a sugar high. Since limiting DH visitation SD has gained over 10+ pounds in six months and still gaining. This to me is unhealthy for a 7 year old child to weigh over 70 pounds. To me & DH this is only setting up this poor child for bad eating habits, diseases (heart disease, diabetes, etc). When DH brought this up to BM (several times), BM continued to say that SD was normal for her age. BM also tried to say that SD's pediatrician thought SD was normal. Although BM hadn't taken SD to doctor since before weight gain. Thus BM scheduled doctor appt for SD with us to come so that BM could prove us "wrong." (BM tried to kick me out of the room, but I stayed.
) Even the pediatrician & nurse thought it had to be a miscalculation, but they soon discovered it wasn't. Pediatrician said that SD needs to hit a growth spurt or it will be cause for concern since SD is over the 95th percentile for weight but not in height.
I guess it upsets me a lot because I know that this poor kid is not growing up the way she should be. It may because of how I have raised my own son (10). I really made sure he ate good---this little boy loves his veggies.
I know that there is nothing I can really do about the situation. What DH & I do try to do is while SD is with us we make sure she is well fed, well taught, well clothed, & well loved. At this point I know that this is really all I can do. I hope one day our good habits rub off on SD.
I see her side also
Reading all your comments I feel like your trying to micro-manage the bm and can almost understand her resentment. Try easing up and if you want to take the child to a dentist/doctor do so on your own time. She may not parent up to your standards, but it might be a better idea to stop all the court nonsense, and just be a good parent in your home. I only say this because 99% of the time when I've seen one parent continually take another to court it backfires because no matter what she is the mother. The child will see that as abusing their mother ect. and while you might win the war you'll end up losing the battle. My two cents is let it go, and perhaps a few of your lawyers felt the same way. Just a thought
Hopefully this won't sound harsh b/c I don't mean it that way...
I might be missing your point...BUT...
I don't see how asking the BM to abide by a court order is "micro-managing." If the BM did not want to agree to these terms then she should have never signed the court-order in the first place.
The BM's resentment is mainly because my DH moved on with his life after their separation/divorce. If anyone has tried to micro-managed it's the BM. When the BM found out that DH & I were having a wedding---she flipped. BM is the one that took my DH to court first. (I explained this in another post) BM claimed that DH was a bad father (this claim was thrown out by the judge). BM wanted DH to only have supervised visits at BM's home with BM & DH & SD there only---no one else. BM also wanted it to be when BM said DH could visit SD(7). To me THAT was requesting way too much for everything to be on BM's terms. Don't you? Another thing BM did is schedule SD with surgery during the time BM knew DH & I were going to be on our honeymoon. BM did this on purpose to be spiteful because the doctor tried to schedule on a different day (way after our honeymoon). DH asked BM to schedule the surgery on a different day (other than our honeymoon), so that DH could be there with his daughter, even before the surgery was scheduled. BM still scheduled it during our honeymoon.
DH & I would LOVE to be able to take SD to dentist/doctor visits. However, as I explained in other posts DH & I cannot take SD to dentist any time soon because we get SD only EOW, 2nd half of winter break (most dentists on vacation), 1st half of Spring Break (which we might be able to schedule an appointment then if BM has not taken SD)---but Spring Break would be the first opportunity for us to take SD to dentist. If April is when SD finally gets to go to dentist then it will be TWO YEARS since her last dental visit. How is this fair to my SD?
I do agree with you about not dragging divorced parents back & forth to court all the time. Unfortunately DH is not the one that started (and kept it going) all of this court nonsense---BM did. DH & I actually thought it would all be over after the mediation since BM agreed to everything in mediation. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way because BM still wanted to keep the whole court thing going. (If it had ended DH & I would be happy that all this court nonsense is over. I actually wish it was.) However DH has to continue going back to court because BM is not happy. BM's lawyer actually dropped her for two reasons---A) BM wasn't paying him any longer &
BM's lawyer was tired of her not compromising with my DH on anything, even things BM had previously agreed to.
BM has always requested more money for CS. Even though the last thing the CS goes to is my SD.
SD is dressed in clothes with lots of holes, shoes way too small, etc. Even though BM was buying herself expensive things (including clothes). I don't think this is right either. Me personally, my son(10) comes before everything including my need for expensive things for myself.
To let you know, I understand that I cannot change the BM nor the things she does/doesn't do for my SD. I know this is BM's only child and BM must learn thru her mistakes in raising a child. I only wanted to ask what you guys thought about the situation.
I read your other post
about your dh flipping out and the police being called. I'm not trying to be insensitive but I think the bm has good reason to keep dh away from stepdaughter. I'm afraid your just beginning to experience what she knows, but more importantly your poor son is probably scared to death of him. (and his daughter) You really need to pay attention to that and make some decisions for yourself and your son.
let it go
Just a comment. No good deed goes unpunished. Just be careful where you put your good efforts lest you be hurt. Bioparents should be worrying.
I understand what you're saying...
but my DH does worry about this (and other) situations concerning my SD. So don't just think it's me worrying about SD. Although I am not sure if BM does---she does not talk to us concerning SD.
The reason I'm writing on this website is because I found the site. My husband doesn't really know about it. I find it helps for me to ask questions, read posts, find support, vent, etc.