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Misdirecting anger and other ramblings

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/10/2012 - 1:15pm

I think that many of us here can say that BMs are crappy parents, and our SOs/DHs weren't/aren't much better.

I think most of us can also say our stepkids are very angry people, and often misdirect their anger at us.

Sometimes I think we SPs do the same thing- hate on/feel anger toward the stepkids, when the reality is that even if they "know better," they are being very poorly parented and won't have any incentive to change unless mom and dad start calling the shots and changing how the game is played. And when I say "stepkids" I'm talking about kids under 18.

I've been guilty of misdirecting a lot of anger towards my SDs when they truly were being poorly parented. Instead, I should have been channeling that towards DH and letting HIM know just how annoyed I was by his and BM's lack of parenting.

These kids might "know better," but haven't been taught healthy methods to cope with their anger and issues. People who are so deeply involved in fighting their own issues just cannot see or choose to overlook the reality that they are making innocent people the targets of their anger. That is where Mom and/or Dad need(s) to step in, get them counseling and start redirecting their anger towards those truly responsible for the crappy situations in their lives. We all know marriages end for hosts of reasons. Maybe mom and dad both decided to call it a day. Maybe one or both of them cheated. Whatever the case, they need to stop their kids from using innocent people as targets.

And I think the same applies to us to some extent. Sometimes I feel like we get too angry towards the kids, and have too little frustration towards their disney dads/crappy moms. I'm sure that if the PARENTS were better parents, the kids would be much better.

Also...

Mom and Dad also need to take a different approach in talking about treating the stepparents with respect. They need to explain the kids don't have to love the stepparents like they do mom or dad, or even care about them, but they need to show them the same level of respect they give mom and dad, by doing as SP tells them, not mouthing off to SP, greeting the SP when they see them, thanking the SP when they do something nice for them, and acknowledging the SP's existence. It just seems to me that there are some SKs out there who need this clarified for them by their parents.

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 04/10/2012 - 1:23pm

Great post. And right on the money. I lucked out because DH would NEVER have let SS treat/talk me the way some of you are treated. He was always respected me. Just not BM or DH. lol

Of course I NEVER tried to be a parent to SS so that may be why he never was mean to me.

Riamama23's picture

Submitted by Riamama23 on Tue, 04/10/2012 - 1:32pm

Absolutely!!!! I have been pondering a way to talk to fh about the way he parents,every time I try he gets defensive and then we argue.my ss11 is a great person, but as soon as Dad comes thru the door he starts catering to his sons every want. Any suggestions on how to bring this up?????

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Tue, 04/10/2012 - 1:37pm

Yup, lots of people are guilty of this. I know I could be if I let it get the better of me.

However, I DO believe that at a certain age, kids know the difference from right and wrong (nevermind the BM's) but I agree that it is up to our significant others to set the boundaries and protect us from it, by whatever means possible. It's about right and wrong--if someone hurts someone else, that's wrong, and if they can't stop or if nothing can stop them, they need to be forcibly separated from the person they are hurting.

So, for example, I don't think it's misdirecting anger at BM if she breaks into your house or curses or bad mouths you. That's just a shitty person and no one should have to remain calm in those situations (it's probably for the best, but I can't even remain calm if that happened.)

Or if a child knows it's not okay to hurt someone physically but does it because they want to and it's "fun", even if your significant other disciplines him/her in every way possible and it still doesn't work, then the child needs to see his/her parent outside of the house.

Of course, all too often, SO's are willing to sacrifice the stepparent because they don't want to lose their kids, which is understandable, but not okay.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 04/10/2012 - 1:46pm

I think that there is more to respect though than not badmouthing, acknowledging, greeting, thanking etc. My DH tends to think that the skids walk on water simply because they are "respectful" I have to disagree with him. I feel it is DISrespectful to steal someone's clothes, I feel it is DISrespectful to run up a $400 cell phone overages bill when you have specifically been told to text only, I feel it is DISrespectful for skids to go home and give a blow by blow to BMs about what we did, said, bought, etc at our home, I feel it is DISrespectful to get a phone for Christmas and then conveniently send it through the wash a month later so you can (try) get the one you REALLY wanted and didn't get. Of course I could go on, but you get the point.

I agree that in the beginning I did put anger/resentment for BM bull crap and DH bull crap on the skids, but over the years, they have managed to pull their own weight by continuing to be disrespectful to me.