Having my own BKs made me realize that the love I feel for SD is completely different than the unconditional, unfailing, neverending love I have for my BKs. I care for SD so very much and want her to grow up to be a beautiful, successful, independent woman, but there are PLENTY of times when I don't really like her very much. I can't see myself now wanting my BKs around or not liking them. They do things that annoy me, every child does that at some point throughout their life, but I have never felt the kind of irritated annoyance at them that I do for SD when she does things that I don't really care for.
As for how it affected my view of SD's BM, it didn't change a thing. She is a psycho that wouldn't know how to take care of her own kid if her life depended on it. She is selfish and only wants to have something to do with SD when it will somehow benefit her or get her some extra money. If anything, having my own BKs made me question how she can be the way she is when it comes to SD even more. How can you just toss your kid aside like trash anytime you feel like it because you don't want to have to deal with her? How can you look at your child and see only $$$?
Having my own BKs makes me feel whole. I will always be a parent/guardian to SD, but my own BKs are my world and they will always be my #1 priority.

It helps me a little. I have to consciously place myself in her shoes, but when I do, I can understand some things. I sometimes think that I would never do some of the things that she does as a Mother...but who am *I* to judge? And I'm not a perfect Mother or person by any means. That usually brings me back down off my soap box most of the time.

However, I do think there are always going to be some double standards being both a BM and a SM. There will be things that you feel are ok as one title, but slipping on the other pair of shoes, you wouldn't feel the same.
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I also think it makes things worse. There is a totally different dynamic in the way things work with my ex verses BM. It makes it difficult for me to understand why we can get along so well, for the most part, with my ex and things are a daily struggle with BM. I also see the way I behave towards the kids and towards "the exes" and how easy it could be if she were just to be a little less self-absorbed. She behaves as if my daughter should not have a close relationship with "her kids" while DH and I try very hard to help them understand that they are family even if they are "steps". She constantly picks at me and accuses me. It has gotten to the point that she has had the kids involved in her "stepmom" bashing. I often find myself trying to understand her and have little luck. DH always tells me that "you have to be crazy to understand crazy" so I guess I should stop trying

I think it depends on the things BM is doing. Is she using the kids as pawns, is she not wanting them to be allowed at DH, does she want to keep you away from them? OR is she treating them poorly, or spoiling them? Fortunately in my case BM doesn't try to keep SS from us. She does use him as a pawn, and does things that I always considered awful. Since having my own child 7 weeks ago, I find the things she does disgusting. I could not imagine making my son sleep in my bed when he is 10 years old, or talking to him like he was still a baby. I do, however, relate to other BM's who don't want to give the birth father any visitation. I cannot imagine having to send my son to see his father half the time and only get to spend half his life with him. It would be hard, and I would be bitter, and I hope I would be a better person and keep those feelings inside and not let them ruin my son's life.

It has helped me. I don't think I was understand BM at allll if I didn't understand the love a mother has for a child. I can talk to her and tell her "I am a mom too, but what you are doing is just plain CRAZY". I also think that if the day comes that BM finds a man and settles down...he will probably have kids, because.. well we aren't getting any younger and most men our age have a few kids. I think she will be able to better understand ME, and where I am coming from with some of the things I do.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~