For those with teen SKs...
Would you be willing to give them a shot of having a decent relationship with you when they reach adulthood, if they've demonstrated for a good, long while that they can act like nice people?
I guess it depends on the skid...some of the SKs I read about here should be in juvie or a center that helps troubled teens, or an institution.
But then there are those that need help but may be able to see through the pas and start bettering their lives when they're no longer under BMs control. And like I've said before, they're not adults so that means they still (hopefully) can really change in a good way at some point. At least, I hope so.
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To add: I see so many people
To add:
I see so many people going from being complete a-holes as teens to being stellar adults. It does happen.
My answer would be no. For
My answer would be no. For me thing I think it would be impossible for him to demonstrate that he's a good nice person and I have no intention of giving him the chance. He's a horrible person and I hope he ere to see him again. Adulthood will not help him.
That being said I had a teen sd from my first marriage, didn't go so well- although I can't say anything truly horrible ever happened. Her dad died when she was 21. She and I didn't speak for years. Just recently we spoke ov Facebook- she had heard some rumors and sent me a horrid message. I didn't notice the message for 4 months, but when I did I responded back. She actually apologized, apologized for sending the message, apologized for believing the rumors, explained why she thinks she believed him, and said she tries to be a good Christian but fails at times. I must admit I for d her believable and was somewhat impressed. However, I still don't want a relationship with her. I don't want us to be in conflict or anything, but just too much has happened for us to be friends or family on any level.
My SD16 is so self centered
My SD16 is so self centered and entitled and I don't see it ever changing. She has the same personality as BM but worse. I think she is who she is and will be this way as an adult. And she was not raised by BM or anywhere near BM. Its a mix of bad genes and being spoiled rotten by DH her whole life. And everyone around her felt so bad that BM was not really around so they tried to make up for it by giving her whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. Now she feels the world should revolve around her.
I would be shocked if she grew up and was a normal adult. DH even agrees with me on this one!! I cannot see her getting a job, moving on her own, getting married and being a human being. I see her sponging off of everyone like BM, playing the victim, going on welfare, popping out some kids by random fathers and never being anything just like her mother.
Yes that's it- I don't ever
Yes that's it- I don't ever see ss15 being a fully functioning adult. I can't imagine him ever having a job or doing normal things that responsible people do. I'm pretty sure his only goals are to smoke weed everyday and carve things with chainsaws and live in his grandparents trailer until they kick off, then his uncle kicks off, and he can call it his own.
Well I am just waiting for
Well I am just waiting for SD16 to discover weed and alcohol and then that will be her life. I'm sure BM will be introducing it to her very soon if she hasn't already!
Its amazing to me because at age 16 I went to work in an office every single day after school. I worked full time in the summer. I had a car and paid for all of my own things. I paid for myself to go to college. I got an apartment at age 18. I never once asked my parents for a dime. I cringe everytime I hear SD ask daddy for money to go to the movies or money to eat out with her friends. And as long as he keeps handing out the money she will continue to do nothing for herself.
When I turned 14 my parents sat me down and said we will buy you clothes but they will be from the flea market. If you want nicer things then you need to start babysitting or find a way to make money. And I started babysitting the kids across the street every single day after school until I turned 16 and got the office job. So pretty much from age 14 I was not asking my parents for a penny.
And I am glad they did this because it made me the person I am today.
In a word - no. Even though
In a word - no.
Even though the skids never were overtly hostile to me, I found them both to be extremely PASd by BM in a very passive aggressive way. They learned from the master and thus, they have developed strange behaviors themselves that I can never relate to.
They have grown into two young adults I have absolutely nothing in common with. SS has completely cut his father out of his life, for absolutely no reason. Even SD claims she doesn't know the reason why. No fight, no reason - he just refuses to speak or see his father.
SD will respond to her dad if he invites her to get together, but she will never ever call or text him to see how he is doing. It's all about offering HER something - she never initiates or extends anything to him - and certainly not me. I could care less at this stage but I know it hurts my SO terribly that he has such little input from them so it bothers me to see him hurt. Nothing I can do about it, though, nor can he since they are adults now.
Therefore, I have no way of relating to an "adult" who behaves in this manner. If I never see either of them again, it would be no problem for me whatsoever.
I used to hold on to a bit of fantasy that when they became adults it might at least develop into a friendlier relationship. I've given up on that.
I seek out people, including other young adults, who appreciate the value in positive relationships. I have been very fortunate to have worked with some young adults who were very receptive to me being an older "mentor" for them and it has been most fulfilling. I channel my energy into those people - not the skids.
Yes I would. In fact, I don't
Yes I would.
In fact, I don't know how many times I've said to my DH, "I only hope when they get older and into adulthood they'll realize I'm not really as bad as they - or BM - have made me out to be."
They're late teens, so I know some of it is just teen crap. But there's a whole undercurrent of other stuff that I've sensed for a very long time (I've known them for almost 9 years).
My SS was not in his teens
My SS was not in his teens when DH and I met - early 20s so not much older.
I looked as SS as a "fait accompli" - his parenting had already taken place. Nothing for me to add or subtract.
I am pleasant and civil to SS27 - but it takes a lot of effort on my part.
He's been an alcoholic since age 13 in spite of multiple of rehabs. Would I give him credit if he ever sobered up and became a semi-normal human being ? Yes - but that is very unlikely.
SS has been sent to multiple rehabs - big name places, boot camp, juvie.
In some ways it is easier to just ignore him as he is so pathetic.
No. As long as BM is part of
No. As long as BM is part of SD17 life I will never be able to build a relationship with her. As a matter of fact NO period with or with our BM.
My SD I believe is mentally ill, I believe her mother is mentally ill as well. Her relationship with Dh is dysfunctional and DH will forever allow SD to run the show./
Now my other SD13 her and I have a good relationship...different kid
and for the record i think my
and for the record i think my husband is mentally ill with some type of attachment disorder
No way. Stepdevil14 has
No way. Stepdevil14 has seriously burned this bridge. I can't see forgiving and forgetting in a few years when she's an adult. Of course, DH will, he's her dad. But she's been MALICIOUS toward me, him, our relationship. I just don't see it. I could be wrong, as I can't predict the future, but knowing me, yeah, SD is pretty much dead to me.