SD & BD Concerns
Okay so as when my SD5 is at our house (currently she is here every weekend) My DH has told her she needs to listen when I ask her to do something (chores and such) and when it comes to disciplining as well (time outs, no candy etc). I've been in her life since she was 2 and we have come along way in our relationship, I do her hair help her pick out pretty outfits, all the girly things her dad won't/doesn't understand (he got her into spiderman and ninja turtles lol)...when I try to discipline she completely ignores me or runs to daddy. I understand i'm not "mom" or "dad" she's been told by her dad she needs to listen. That tends to bother me and gets frustrating but what I am really worried about it is my BD who is only 18 months now will see this and act that way towards me as well. (She's already picked up smacking and biting from a little girl i used to babysit for a brief period)
My BD loves her big sister and wants to do what she is doing (which is awesome for the most part) Im also afraid she will pick up the bad habits my SD5 has thanks to her over protective and partying BM (oxymoron i know) has anyone gone through this before? life with raising Step children and Bio Children ???
I honestly never thought I would be a step mom. I'm doing my best! I have a new appreciation for my Moms Husband now!!!
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It gets easier. I have an SS
It gets easier. I have an SS who is soon to be 10. I have been his SM for 6 years and when he was 3-6 he was a TERROR! He hit etc BS when he was 1 and 2years old. Now BS is 5 and has a mouth on him but when SS isn't around he isn't so bad. I call it payback. Reason being is that SS used to be really mean to BS and now its the other way around. I tell SS "you did the same to him and he remembered that is how you " played" with him. So now he does it to you because that is how you treated him".
As for discipline... SS NEVER listened to me. Now he is more scared of having to talk to me than he is of DH getting on to him. He knows I don't play when it comes to his behavior. BM tries to say he is ADHD and autistic... I don't think he is because he can focus and listen to me fine. It's when he wants attention he really acts out. You probably will have BD that will mirror what SD does for a bit but you can always separate it. When SD isn't there you will see the difference.
If dh is home, direct her to
If dh is home, direct her to daddy instead of handling the situation yourself. If he asks why, tell him that you're afraid that BD will pick up the behavior she sees SD exhibiting.
What does dh do when SD do this? Because add long as he is backing you up, and not coddling her, I think it should be fine.
I'd come up with a consistent
I'd come up with a consistent discipline structure so that there are no questions or arguments.
I have a couple of no warning discipline issues, a couple of warning discipline issues, and the rest I express disapproval but don't do anything (she's 18 months, so I pick and choose).
No warning - for example throwing food on the floor. She does that, I take her out of her chair and tell her she is going into the 'box' (Dutch for playpen) for throwing food on the floor. Then I put her in there, tell her I've put her there for throwing food on the floor and that she has to stay there 1.5 minutes. I come back, ask if she's ready to talk about it. If she shows she's not, I tell her if she's not ready to talk about it by the time I count to 3, she will stay there another 1.5 minutes. (Usually by 2 she's ready lol!). Then I tell her I put her in there for throwing food on the floor. Throwing food is not allowed. I want to hear her say she's sorry. She makes her attempt or I tell her if she's not ready to say she's sorry she can stay another 1.5 minutes. Then after she says she's sorry, I ask if she's ready for hugs, kisses and a fresh start. Then we both forget about the discipline.
It's hard for me to forget because sometimes she just spends all day pushing my buttons lol, usually that means we need to go outside a bit though. But it's important to drop it and start fresh.
She accepts this consequence because I'm so consistent. Other times, I will give a warning: Mummy said No, if you do xyz again you go in the box. And if she does it again, we go through as above. If I don't do the warnings/counting/telling her a few steps ahead what's going on/what's expected, she's much fussier and angrier.
With SD 5, if running to daddy gets her out of a consequence, then he is undermining you and the two of you (DH and you) need to sort out what behaviour gets a consequence and what doesn't. If he can't/won't support you, then you're not even able to baby-sit - a babysitter handles things independently and he's preventing you from doing that.
Otherwise, just stay firm, consistent, and never let her see you lose your cool!
My BD is pre-existing to my
My BD is pre-existing to my step hell marriage. She's "spirited," as the books like to say, so she's a little slow to comply, but she is appalled at skids behavior when they misbehave or ignore me. SS is incorrible, disrespectful, rude, etc. and DD just sits back and watches the show. It doesn't change her behavior one bit.
Just do your best to be consistent with your bio. It'll be ok.
It doesn't matter that you
It doesn't matter that you are not "mom" or "dad", you are an adult, she is the child, and she should listen to you. Your DH needs to get her to understand that.
Every time she runs to him after you have told her to do something or whatever, he needs to reiterate to her that she is to listen to you. If he has to give her consequences every time she runs to him, then so be it.
I don't understand why she doesn't know this by now, given that you have been in her life since she was 2.
Like nengooseus says, just be consistent with your BD and she will be okay but your DH needs to get his daughter to understand who's who in the household.