SD is coming here this month and I'm kind of bugging...
OK all, feel free to tell me I'm nuts, that I'm overthinking things, whatever. Tell me to grow up, anything. I need some sense knocked in to me, I guess?
I'm bugging out. SD is set to come here on the 11th - we will be picking her up on our way back to PGH from a weekend trip to NJ. I've been asking FDH how long he wants SD to stay - "however long she wants" - so I suggested that he should ask her how long she wants to stay because he's not planning on adjusting CS while she's here (there's no court order for CS, FDH just pays it and in the past, he has adjusted CS when SD has been here for longer than a week) and having a third almost-adult who eats like four adults in the house can get pricey. We gotta budget out her visit.
Well, yesterday, FDH got in touch with her to find out and she wants to stay through Thanksgiving so she's going to be here for most of November. Eep.
I knew that was a possibility and I know that SD should just move in with us and have a future rather than stay with GUBM and languish, but, I'm really nervous about this now. Yea, it makes no sense. I would rather SD just come on the 11th and live here, but, the fact that she's coming on the 11th and staying through to the end of the month is bugging me out. Maybe it's because I don't think she'll try to cohabitate if she knows she's only here temporarily? I don't even know.
The last time she was here was summer of 2012 when she was here for a full month and she was downright awful towards me. The last time I saw her we went on a family vacation with FDH's family in August and she was downright awful towards me (and the rest of FDH's family who dared to be nice towards me and not treat me like the piece of garbage she and GUBM believe me to be).
I'm not going to expect her to be anything but awful towards me, but, I'm still nervous. I just don't know what is going to happen and I certainly don't want a repeat of her last visit. I think it's the not knowing that is really what's getting to me. But, it's not like I have to be stuck at the house with SD the entire time.
I have a friend who will be visiting us the first weekend she is here, so I'll have someone to spend time with who isn't awful towards me in case SD is back on her "AtMC is a mean, awful human being and I hate her" kick. I also have local friends to spend time with and get away with if need be (we do trivia every Thursday and we all have open door policies at our houses). I'm going to have weekly counseling sessions (I always do anyway), so I'll have a place to vent to an objective person. And one of my friends, who is also a SD, has offered to talk to SD about her own experiences with SMs and SFs (she's had good ones and downright awful ones). I don't know if or how that would even work, but, I appreciated the sentiment. Worst case scenario, I could throw myself into work and work extra hours to build up comp time for Christmas break - going through all my health issues lately has drained my Sick and Annual leave banks, but, working all those extra hours might just aggravate things *sigh*. I also have a wedding planner who I can go spend time with and work on wedding ideas.
So, why am I bugging out?? I have "outs", I have "buffers", I have things I can do that will remove myself from the SD zone should the need arise.
Maybe I'm still afraid that SD is ridiculously alienated at this point and will remove herself from FDH's life permanently if we don't cater to her every last little whim while she's here and make it disney fun land instead of a house where everyone contributes and cohabitates. I already told FDH that I was afraid he would fall back into the guilty disney dad role, and he assured me he has no plans on doing that. As I pondered before, maybe it's just the uncertainty that's bugging me out. I have an anxiety disorder, and, uncertainty is a trigger for sure (I grew up in a very chaotic and unpredicatble family, so, routine and predictability are soothing to me). Maybe I'm also afraid that SD will get even more mad/upset/whatever when she realizes how much our lives have changed without her here for the last year plus. We've updated the apartment some (not much), we have a new cat, we do new things, have new friends, and we're planning the wedding.
Ugh, I just don't even know.
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Comments
Relax. You sound like you've
Relax. You sound like you've pretty much all bases covered for any 'what ifs'. She doesn't have to 'like' you or be overly social, all she has to do is be respectful and follow house rules. All you two have to do is be civil towards each other, other than that you free to more or less ignore her. Your not her maid nor her babysitter (remember that) and you will be expecting her to clean up after herself and ask permission before just 'borrowing'.
Meh, she can ignore you and perhaps even glare at you from a distance (silly but harmless enough)as long as she keeps her 'tude' to herself isn't defiant and/or run her mouth. She's coming to visit her Dad. Just provide her a room for privacy (maybe you'll get lucky and she'll spend a good share of her visit in there, lol) and be sure DH has whatever basics she needs (guys might not think of the boring items like shampoo, shower gel blah blah and she can't just help herself to yours).
Dh says things will be handled differently this go round. Give him a chance to come through. If SD 'gets' to you too much by all means use your escape routes. Teen girls are scary enough, teen girls who dislike you can be insufferable. Don't let her stress you out, if you let her know she has that power, she'll use it.
I'm always conflicted on SD
I'm always conflicted on SD hiding in her room. It makes things nice for me - especially on days when FDH is sleeping after working the night shift and it's just me and SD - but, when she does it when FDH is around it's irksome because she should at least spend time with him.
This is why I'm driving myself up a wall, because I have a good sense of how to handle things if they go south, but, I'm still anxious. BLARGH!
If she hides from her Dad,
If she hides from her Dad, that parts between father and daughter. Their relationship is for them to make or break. If she's a turd to her father, he will have to handle it. Sure she should spend time actually visiting with her father if she's bothering to come, but how and when they do that (if they do that) I think really has to be between them. If he gets tired of her hiding out from her, then he'll have to knock on her door and go in and discuss it with her. He has to put his own expectations on his daughter and work to build along with daughter what their relationship will be, it's something you really can't do for them.
I'm sure he's a bit worried over how things will go too, but it's something you really can't make better or easier between them. You're going to have to allow DH/SD to make of this visit what the two of them will. All you can do is be supportive of DH's attempts and discuss quietly with him your opinions and advice. There's no magic wand you can wave to make their relationship ok/better. They have to do that themselves.
Absolutely, it's on them.
Absolutely, it's on them.
But I still wish that magic wand existed.
Thanks! The behaviour stuff
Thanks! The behaviour stuff I'm going to cement into my brain. Just handle the rudeness, in the moment. Luckily, I have counseling the day before we leave for our NJ trip so I can work out ways to compose myself with my therapist (CBT/DBT is amazing for me).
Luckily, FDH is the one who cooks, so, it's easy to include SD in that respect. He's been trying to teach her how to cook for years, so, that's at least one thing they can do together.
BOTH parents should be
BOTH parents should be slapped six ways from Sunday for allowing her to be out of school for so long. "Didn't want to snitch on GUBM" - oh for Christ's sake. Pathetic.
As for the visit, your home, your rules. These should include manners, and she can like it or lump it.
Yep. They both messed up
Yep. They both messed up bigtime. GUBM messed up for withdrawing SD, FDH messed up by not stepping in then and there and by giving GUBM the chance to do something - he was with her for 16 years, he KNOWS she's never capable of following through on anything unless it directly benefits her - and yet he wasn't really shocked when she did nothing.