Dear Abby's Sunday Column Eerily Similar Analogy to PAS
Dear Abby had a column on family alienation as it pertains a funeral. I particularly liked her answer on this one. . .that the alienated/targeted family member should just build a new family of their own (usually with SM). As you can see, several family members glommed on to the alienation as is typical when the (usually) CP BM recruits her family members to trash dad and SM.
This column totally parallels Parental Alienation and sometimes the only answer IS to walk away and start a new family:
SIBLINGS' SCHEME KEEPS SISTER AWAY FROM MOTHER'S FUNERAL 10/16/2011
DEAR ABBY: My mother's family has never been close-knit, but what they did to her was despicable. My grandmother died recently, and not one person in the family called Mom to notify her. We saw it in our local paper.
No funeral details were mentioned, so we called the mortuary repeatedly only to be told arrangements were "still pending." Mother tried to contact her sister, but got no response. She called her brother four times. He told her the same thing -- the arrangements were pending.
Two days later, Mom heard from another relative that her mother had been buried in a private ceremony with only immediate family. Mother called her brother again, and was told it wasn't true -- the arrangements were still pending.
The next day, Mom and I went to the cemetery to see if the rumor was true. Imagine our sadness when we found my grandmother's grave. Mom was heartbroken that she wasn't able to pay her respects to her own mother.
We went to my uncle to break the news to him, thinking he didn't know, and were shocked when he admitted he had known all along about the arrangements, but that Mother's older sister had instructed him to share no information with Mother. He said his "hands were tied" because she made him promise not to divulge any details to us.
Abby, please tell your readers that no matter how dysfunctional family ties may be, everyone should be able to pay last respects to their own parent. And funeral homes should have the decency to tell callers that funeral arrangements are private rather than lying about it. -- BRENDA IN TEXAS
DEAR BRENDA: My deepest sympathy to you and your mother for your loss. Regardless of what caused the falling out with her siblings, their behavior was brutal and allowed her no closure. They have made it plain that she should keep her distance, and for her own sake I hope she will. It is obvious who "runs" that family, and further contact will cause your mother only more pain and frustration. Sometimes people have to build their own family, and that's what I recommend you do.
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Comments
How sad....wow.
How sad....wow.
GG continues to mourn his
GG continues to mourn his three children and the "life" he once had with the Behemoth (stinky laundry and all)
I don't think he'll ever get over that. I have ZERO expectations that he'll ever pine after me when I'm gone. Although lately he seems to be giving me a lot of credit to others instead of saying implying that I'm lucky to have him.
oh, that is my DH to a "T"
oh, that is my DH to a "T" with me. He mourns every damn day about his adult brats (SDs 20 & 22) because they have zero to do with him.
I have a bio daughter, 11, and you'd think, if he was so desperate to have a relationship with a child, he'd warm up a little more to mine. Nope. Blood I guess runs thicker than water. He completely segregates her (my bio) from his daughters in his mind. Forget the "adoption/stepparent-glad to have a step-daughter in the house" right now. He's too selfish.
Yea, Auteur, he often likes to make me feel like I'm lucky to have him. Unbelievable.
That is absolutly horrible...
That is absolutly horrible... but abbys advice was sound. I agree with creating a family.
I had a friend who lost both her parents, but especually her mother the month before her high school graduation. She ended up moving across the country to attend a college which is where I met her. She is one of the strongest, and happiest people I know, and she has litterally created her own family since she has none left.
I know its not the same as being cut out by alienation, but it is still possible to lead a happy life outside of the norm. I feel for this woman, but I hope she is able to follow abbys advice, and create her own family.
I read this column in the
I read this column in the paper on Sunday and all I could think about was - how does someone do this?
When my dad's sister was in the hospital dying, my dad tried to contact his brother and couldn't get ahold of him. He tried for days but then my aunt passed away. My dad kept calling and finally got ahold of his brother's wife who proceeded to tell him that his brother had passed away over a month ago and no one called any of his siblings to tell them. Now my dad's family isn't really close - my dad has a niece who is his age - the age differences between siblings is huge but still he tried to maintain a connection with them all and the older girls did too.
But wait the story gets even better, my dad called his nephew to pass along his condolences and come to find out, his mom didn't even call him to tell him that his dad had dies. This is not a divorced couple - they'd been married forever and she didn't call their numerous children. Apparently he fell from a ladder, died and was buried in just a few days and she never told anyone.
OMG! Not telling your own
:jawdrop: OMG! Not telling your own children!
Sounds fishy to me. Maybe I
Sounds fishy to me. Maybe I watch too many "who-done-it" crime stories on TV but it sounds like she wanted him buried quick and with no questions asked.
Crazy, crazy, crazy.
I know it sounds so crazy but
I know it sounds so crazy but this family is nuts in my mind.
Not a single one of my dad's sibling came to their father's funeral. The one cousin who lived in the same town, showed up 20 mins late and then got mad at my grandma for not inviting him over to our house afterwards. She didn't want anyone at the house, she wanted to be alone - her husband of 80 years had just died. He didn't see or speak to her for years.
Then 3 of my cousins showed up at my grandma's funeral - again - none of her children and the first thing they did was start asking for jewelry and momentos.
Now I had to say, 1 of my aunts has had a stroke and lives across the country from us so I totally get that but my other 2 aunts and my uncle were all alive an kicking - just didn't show up.
My dad does tease that his oldest sister is part of the witness protection program because she's been known to just disappear.
Now you've got me wondering??!!!
Wow this is something for me
Wow this is something for me to think about
In November of 2009, my DH survived a widow maker heart blockage, he asked that I call his Dad and SS just to let them know he was ok - he hadn't said a word to SS before hand. But he asked that I call his mother if it was serious. We have zero relationship with her or my SIL due to their behavior. At this point my DS had just turned 2 and she'd never seen him.
After the surgery and the doctor telling me, he's never seen anything like it because the patient is usually dead, that my DH was ok. I made all the requested phone calls, leaving the call to my MIL last. I swear she was at the hospital in like 20 mins and was a blubbering idiot over her son. She wouldn't not give us a second alone and was even trying to get the ICU nurse to take direction from her rather than me. I bit my tongue all day.
That night, I had to all but pull her from the room to get her to leave. The nurse suggested I go home and get some sleep since I couldn't hang out in the ICU all night and they would call me if they needed me. She tried to get them to call her too.
The next morning, I called her to tell her I was heading to the hospital but I would prefer to be alone and could she not come? She went totally crazy bitch and I hung up on her. When I got to the hospital, the nurse at the waiting area when I checked in, ushered me in directly and basically told me that my MIL had called and tried to have me banned from the hospital. I put her on the do not enter list and sat with my husband all day. That night, he asked me what happened and I told him. He finally returned her call, and she started acting like the victim and he told her that he would call her back when he was ready to deal with here. That was almost 2 years ago and he's never called her.
Now this woman, left her husband for another man and left her kids behind so they wouldn't get in the way. When they finally did see her, she didn't want them. Finally at one point, my SIL went to live with her and got blamed for the new guy leaving my MIL. My MIL even made a pass at my SIL's ex husband the night before the wedding. I swear the stories make me laugh every time I think about them all. She has had zero relationship with my DH for basically 10 years.
If something were to happen to my husband, I know they would find out because I would contact my FIL & my SS. My FIL would call the SIL who would call the MIL but I know that my family would totally have my back on this one.
He's asked you not to call, you are only honoring his wishes. Now if there are signs that you think this isn't truely what he wants, then you have to make that call but you must be prepared for the drama it will bring. Make sure your DH has a will and has everything he wants in writing. Who gets notified and who gets what - it sounds cold but will save you from having to deal with it all. Also god forbid something happen, surround your self with loved ones who understand his wishes and what he wanted. You'd be surprised whose up for protection duty.
Just makes you really wonder
Just makes you really wonder about some people. However, I have to say the DH & I were "STUNNED" when his uncle called & notified him that his grandmother had passed. DH has not spoken to his family since he found out that they had been giving his X $$. (The issue wasn't the $$. The issue was she had her b/f living w/her & the kids....HE DID NOT HAVE A JOB!)
DH did not have any desire to attend the viewing or the funeral. Therefore, we did not go. I guess we were the talk of the day. The family waited w/baited breath for us to show up & cause "DRAMA". Joke is on them!