You are here

Moving part 2

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Tue, 04/22/2014 - 7:41am

SO and I talked last night. He agrees that two months from now if we are still doing well and checking in with each other about our progress of our own issues then end of June sounds good. He said he feels confident that we will have continued to build a sturdier foundation. He also acknowledged that working on ourselves is not something that just stops after 2 months. It's a life time of making positive changes, being better people for ourselves and each other. We had a pretty productive talk.
He agreed that he'll have to learn how to take time to work on himself while I'm around and not be distracted by me, b/c working on ourselves (growing as people) doesn't stop in 2 months or 2 years. He said that's mostly his fault that he gets distracted by me and he'd try to manage the time without asking me to be somewhere else to do so.

Because he loves graphs he wants to figure out how to make an accountability map. He laughed at himself after he said it. He's made one for himself in the past and showed it too me about his working out goals, travel goals, etc.

Those are the updates

Comments

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Tue, 04/22/2014 - 8:16am

Thank you! I know we sound crazy sometimes. When he decides to do something he'll do it, when he says he'll put in the work he does. Also he's very important to me and makes me want to really dig and resolve some unresolved issues within myself.

Thanks. We are learning. We both had a horrible set of parents so we both know we don't want to be like them.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 04/22/2014 - 8:17am

Let me ask you a few question? Do you think things will get better with his son? Are you going to step in and be mommy? (if I remember, he has a small child that you do not like, nor do you like the way he parents). Are you going to be a disengaged stepmom?

IMHO...these are the things you should have talked about. Because make no bones about it....this small child, and rasing him, is the main thing that your SO should be worried about. Not your relationship. Can you handle that?

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Tue, 04/22/2014 - 9:14am

It's not that I don't like his child (sometimes I don't I guess), I'm not an insta-relative. I don't have unconditional bioparent love for him.
Before I had no way to address the disrespectful behaviors or just bad behaviors, now I do. SO has also addressed them more and supports me in doing so in the way the Child psychologist has told me that I can/should try. The kid is also behaving better b/c we address the behaviors in real time. it's less frustrating for me and in turn for the two of them. The doctor that's known him all his life said we were letting him get away with things out of guilt both of us and that he's going to end up being a pain in the ass if we don't address things with him when he's doing them. She gave me ways of doing that that I didn't have before.

I can't be disengaged b/c we have him full time. I don't want to be disengaged I just needed some sort of way to address his acting out without hurting his feelings or making things worse. I didn't know how to do that before and I think I got some good advice from his doctor. He's a small child but he's not neglected by any means. He's showered with attention and affection from both of us. SO doesn't really need to be worrying about much, they've been doing this for a long time, he's a good dad, a decent kid with normal step family issues. We worry about the kid probably more that is really necessary. We BOTH do that. We both care very much about how things affect him and decide now together how to handle different things that come up. Can I handle him being a dad... yes. His child is not his partner. I think a lot of people especially looking in think that a family should revolve around kids, kids have needs, they need to be supported, know they can count on their parents, they need to have some fun and be silly, to be cared about, to have boundaries.

We have talked about those things, we are more than ever partnered and a team of how to handle the kid. What we are working on is how we communicate and how we move forward.

You know IDK what people think when they start a relationship with a person that has a child. I've never done it before now. What I did know is that I'm a good person and I care very much about kids and them growing up in a stable household. What i also know is that last year we spent so much time "worrying about a kid" that he manipulated that and we didn't do what we should have been doing... setting boundaries, not letting a child control two adults lives by giving him that much power. He's a child. He is well taken care of.

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Tue, 04/22/2014 - 9:21am

It already is difficult. We know that. That's part of the problem and why we need to make sure that we as a couple have a stable footing or everyone loses. We've talked that to death over the past year. What we didn't do the past year was do much about it and that's what we are doing now.

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Tue, 04/22/2014 - 9:33am

I'm not even using it. I am ALWAYS there. Night and day. I get what you are saying I do but I'm there all the time. I don't sometimes stay at my place. I have a total of 6 nights probably in 9 months.

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Tue, 04/22/2014 - 9:45am

I gotcha, like "if want to escape I can" mentally I know I have a place. He's in year round school but I def get where you're coming from. It could be different if it's over the summer.