My bio son 14. I'm waging war.
My son, my son, my son. I've completley had it with him. I'm done. No more of the nice mommy. I'm totally done. I should have done it before, but I think I must have had brain damage or something. But now, I'm done.
He failed the 7th grade the year before last. Last year he barley skidded by. He passed, but I had to enroll him in a program called STAR, it's like a military style childrens thing. It's for kids who can't get it together and the parents need help. I put him in this program in the middle of the year and it worked. They drilled him if he got in trouble, he had to carry a tracking sheet to each teacher and they had to write his homework and sign it, along with circle how his attitude was for the day. If the homework didn't get done, if it was a bad attitude day, or if the sheet isn't turned in by him signed by me then he got drilled. He did pass, but barley.
Now this year he's in 8th when he should be in 9th grade. Guess what. He's failing every single subject. If I was doing the right thing I would have put my foot down earlier but I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He would beg and beg to not put him back in STAR. So like a idiot, guilty mom, whatever I was I didn't do it. Stupid me.
He's been in trouble alot latley. The principal and I know each others voices. Pitiful. Well he called me the other day, while DH was still in the hospital mind you, and informed me that if BS got sent to the office one more time he would have to suspend him unless I put him back in STAR. I told him of our family emergancy and how that just would not work being that BS was staying with my brother. So the principal and I came to a agreement, he would keep him in ISS until I got back home with my DH. I also reminded the principal that I am not against corporal punishment in this case, if it will keep him from being suspended, tear his tale up.
I know we all fuss about teenagers here and there but I have to tell you that my son is very very mean. He has such a hateful attitude. I can't stand him at all anymore. I love him but I don't like him a bit. Isn't that terrible? How can I like him.......he's hateful to all of us all the time anymore. I can't remember the last time he said anything nice to ANYONE.
While DH was in the hospital I had came to my moms house to sleep one night, the first night not at the hospital in 10. I had a blow up matress and my son was on the couch. He did not let me go to sleep until 2 am. He kept making stupid noises, burping, farting, giggling. He just wouldn't stop no matter how much I fussed. I eventually started crying and begging him to stop so I could get a little sleep. I fell asleep to all of his nasty noises. That's so hateful in my mind, I would have never done that to my mother.
DH had bought him a Xbox 360 for his birthday, I didn't want to but he did it anyways. He got the cheapest one because we didn't have enough money for that shit, but the cheapest one was still $300.00. We had to miss a car payment for him to do that. I did not want to do that!! DH did it for him anyways. Well guess what the inconsiderate BS said the other day? We were sitting here watching tv and a commercial came on for the xbox and BS said "Ya know mom even though yall bought me the crappiest, cheapest one they have I still play it sometimes, but I wish I could have gotten a decent one". Honestly, how could he? I am still not caught up from that present in June. And come to find out it's crappy in his book.
My mom said he is not allowed to come back to her house because of how disrespectful he was to her and her husband. That's a shocker, mom ADORES my BS. She's always loved him so much it's sick. She favors him over her other three grandkids, not right, but she does. She doesn't even want to be around him anymore.
That's just the smallest part of it, just a example of how he is. He's going to visit his dad next week. He's leaving on Saturday and coming back next Saturday. That'll be a nice, well deserved break for all of us. But when he gets home his whole world will be different.
I've decided that while he's away I'm going to do some house cleaning. Cleaning of his room. When he gets home it'll be to nothing in his room except a matress, pillow, and a blanket. His closet will also be cleaned, (he's obsessed with his cloths and shoes). I'm going to goodwill and buying seven outfits, ones that I know he won't like, because they'll fit instead of sag off his ass like he's some punk gang banger. He will also return to one pair of shoes, also purchased at goodwill. He won't get a single thing back until the next report card comes home showing that he is passing. If that isn't for two years then so be it. He won't get a thing, shoes, cloths, toys, tv, nothing!!!!!!!!
He will also come home to being registered with STAR again.
Is that rough? Yeah it is. But I have to be. He's pushed me to this point.
What do you think..........?
- BMJen's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think that is a DAMN good
I think that is a DAMN good idea! Do not back down and don't let DH change your mind!
"And this too shall pass..."
Oh Jen, I'm just so
Oh Jen, I'm just so sorry!!!! Has he always been so angry? Has he ever been evaluated to see if there is something causing his anger? Perfectson developed anger issues when EH and I divorced. I took him to a child therapist and she worked wonders with him over the course of just under a year. He was fine again until about the same age as your BS and he started having anger fits he couldn't control. He was actually diagnosed with anxiety causing them and he takes a teensy little dose of an SSRI now and it helped him be able to get grip on it and he hasn't had issues in a long long time.
Just a thought anyway that it might be something underlying like that.
My Mother has recently told
My Mother has recently told me that when I was a teenager, she loved me but didn't like me, lol. So don't feel bad about that. I think all parents with teenagers feel that way. You do need to put him in STAR again though. I feel like I ask everyone if they've tried counseling...but sometimes it works. Have you considered counseling for him?
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I think you're making me
I think you're making me scared to what's coming for me with Choochoo...he's only seven and is horribly defiant and the attitude is thick as a brick.
I'm all for doing the Star program and I WISH they had a program like that in choochoo's school.
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
I think you're doing the
I think you're doing the right thing Jen. You have to take off the kid gloves and get tough with him. Making him earn his stuff back is a good way to go. Granted, he will most likely be a terror when he gets back and sees his room, but just prepare yourself for it.
I'm sorry he's being such a butt at a time when you and your DH don't need it. Hugs to you.
I know a little bit of what
I know a little bit of what you are going through. My BS is 14 too and has an attitude like you wouldn't believe!! He's is passing and doing average in school, but that's only because DH and I have to ride his ass all the time. He is capable of making straight A's. Very intelligent, but very lazy. Yet, amazingly, he knows everything!! LOL ~snort~
I would love to do the same thing that you're doing except that he shares a room with his stepbrother who is doing marvelous in school and deserves no punishment.
I think you're doing the right thing. If he continues to act out, take his door off the hinges too. Also, I would sell that X-Box in order to pay for the clothes you get from Goodwill.
You've been through enough lately. You don't need to deal with the disrespect that your own son is giving you.
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
I'm a bad stepmom bc the
I'm a bad stepmom bc the worse my own little spawn acts the more I resent little miss princessface...ugh I HATE that I'm like that but I just am. I don't even want her smug little face around when choochoo is acting out and being a jerk. *sigh*
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
Barbie, honey, they are just
Barbie, honey, they are just different kids. Girls are different.........they are sneaky and hide the bad shit they do. Our boys can't seem to hide a thing, they just lay all their nastyness out there. It does suck to yell at him when SD is around though. I know how you feel about that.
well keep me posted on what
well keep me posted on what ends up working for you so I can take notes for my battle plan
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
I feel the exact same way!!!
I feel the exact same way!!! I am very proud of my stepson and stepdaughter. They are really good kids. They mind (most of the time), they don't talk back, they don't complain (very often) when I tell them to do their chores. My BS on the other hand is just the opposite of all that. I don't know why, but I find myself resenting my stepkids because MY kids are being little buttholes. Why is that? I just wish that for once, they would be bad. But no, it's always my kids.
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
onehappygirl, you said it's
onehappygirl, you said it's always your kids.
I feel that so much. I tell him all the time things like this. I mean why can't MY kid ever be the good one? WTF? It's ALWAYS him............ALWAYS!!!
I don't know how DH does it. If he was DH's son when I met him I wouldn't have married him.
That's a good idea happy
That's a good idea happy girl. Maybe after the inital shock of seeing his room and all of his stuff gone show him the craigs list listing for his xbox. You know, it's just a crappy one anyways.
And yes, to everyone who asked, he was in counceling a few years back for issues from his father and I splitting. His dad badmouths me all the time, etc. He won't back me up on anything, he's a disneyland once a year dad and that doesn't help because he always thinks I'm so mean and he is just God.
I love my boy. I really do. But the gloves are coming off and I'm digging my heels in. I should have done it sooner, and that's my fault. But I'm going to make up for that right now. Gloves are off.
I just can't believe how nasty and hateful he's being. It's awful.
Did he try any medication at
Did he try any medication at all? I bet with the way his dad has no structure with him he has terrible anxiety.... I know lots of people are against medication for kids but OMG you can't believe what it did for perfectson!
He was on concerta for a few
He was on concerta for a few years for ADHD. He hates taking it though, and his dad tells him that I'm just trying to drug him up so I don't have to deal with him. Which so isn't true, but he believes it.
I would give him the medicine, he wouldn't take it. He'd cheek it and spit it out later, he's admittied that to me. If I did a mouth check, and yes I've had to, he would just swallow it and make himself throw up later. His dad taught him that one.
I stopped trying. Why waste so much time going to the doc, money, etc only to be met with results like that? I gave in........
Maybe I need to add that to my list. Humm....you made me think here wicked. Thank you for bringing this up.....this is a point I need to think about.
His dad did that?????? What
His dad did that?????? What a bastard! Taught him to throw it up... OMG... his dad should be horse whipped... or worse.
Perfectson takes Lexapro and it kicked his anxiety in the ass and calmed him right down. From time to time he has thought he was 'cured' and not taken it for a week or so without telling me and I can see it in his face.... the anger and anxiety. Kind of a scared look really. I can say hmmmm perfectson you aren't taking your meds are you?? Soon as I call him out on it he starts right back on it. He knows it helps him. He doesn't like it, but even he knows the difference now.
Yes he did. It's really
Yes he did. It's really sick. And I agree that horse whipping isn't enough......but what can I do, hell I'm just the boys MOTHER for God's sake.....I have no right to get him medication that he needs. It just makes me really angry because he's with me 360 days out of the year. But his father totally disregards any progess I make with our son and tries to make him, well hate me. It's really sad. That's another blog though......I'm trying to get not started on that to much!!
But Dh and I talked about what you wrote about the medicine and I really do thank you for bringing it up. Because we are adding that to our list. He will also get back on his ADHD meds, like it or not. I'll make him wake up a hour earlier and take it and sit right here with me the whole time. Then if wants to throw up have at it because it will already be digested.
I'm going to have to firm up no matter what the costs. If that means he has to go to bed at 8, his current bedtime is 10, so that we can get up a hour earlier to make sure he is doing what he is supposed to then so be it.
OMG! My BS14 does that too.
OMG! My BS14 does that too. He takes Aderall and he spits it out also. I have to sit there and do the mouth check every morning. It drives me crazy. I can always tell when he hasn't taken the pill because he is a bouncing off the wall, disrespectful little SOB!!!
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Vick, I don't know why I
Vick, I don't know why I haven't to be honest. I think I'm scared...........
I can hear all the bad words about me between him and his dad now. I can't imagine if they have this to discuss as well. I'm actually tempted to make his father come into the house and lay the plan out to both of them. My x won't agree with me, back me up, nothing. Instead he'll just fill our sons head full of shit about how awful I am to him while he has him.
What do you think is the best option? Should DH and I tell him and the x, should I just tell my son........how should I handle that? I really don't know.........I just know I am worried about all the mommy bashing for the next week, and if this whole plan is known then it'll just be that much worse. I guess I'm a chicken shit to answer your question, but help me to figure out how to handle this best.
That's a very good point and I don't know or have the answer. I'm relying on you guys for that! Best group of moms I know!
Nope. I wouldn't tell him
Nope. I wouldn't tell him beforehand. Let it be a surprise when he comes back }:) . That way, he won't dread coming home and he won't spend the whole week 'badmouthing' you with his dad. Unless you are actually co-parenting with the X, there is no reason to tell him. Especially if he's not backing you up.
Yes I am being bad mouthed
Yes I am being bad mouthed there all the time anyways, you are right at that point, so what is the difference?
And I don't want him to have a terrible time at his dads and dread his return home the whole time he is there. As little as they get to see each other, and no matter what comes out of his mouth, he is his dad and my son adores him and needs him in his life. I hope that they have a good time during their visit and I really don't want to ruin it for either of them. So I think that's alot of my hesitation. It's so few and far between why do "that" to him? You know what I mean Vick? Yes, it would be good to talk with him and let him know what's in store, but is it worth making him have a bad time........even though the gloves are off I want my son to have a good time on his trip with his dad. The gloves will have to remain on until he's home I'm afraid. This just convinced me.
After he gets home DH and I have decided to invite his father in with him, let them both know at the same time what's going on with him, his school work, his attitude, and the punsihments that are in store. That way he can't weasle out of anything, and his father will have the facts instead of the "Mom's just mean" that my BS would give him. That may help matters with that situation, I don't know that it will but it's worth a shot. Though I've tried to include him everything that has to do with BS and he usually wants nothing to do with it, but maybe in front of BS he'll at least pretend? I don't know but I'll update when he gets home and let everyone know how it all went down.
And...yes there is a chance that he will threaten to go live with his dad. I don't care what he threatens. This is his home, that's not going to change. His fathers house is not the best enviroment for him to be raised in and as his mother it is my job to protect him.......so I gotta do my job.
Some question why I even still let him visit his father. There are so many things that have been done that really make it appear as though I am not protecting my son as I should. But no matter what the x puts us through I just can't get past the point that he's his dad. And though he makes the most terrible wrong decisions all the time when BS is concerned, he's still his dad. What do you do? I can't take him out of his life...........last time I blogged about something that happend while he was visiting everyone here told me I was nuts for letting him visit him at all, and maybe I am. But BS is at the age, he is 14, that he can "protect" himself in some situations. And in the end I know his father wouldn't let anything happen to him physically, so as long as he comes home safe that's just going to have to remaine their business. Maybe not the best approach, but hes his dad and that's just that.
I can't tell you how much
I can't tell you how much empathy I have with you on this subject right now. My Ex says to my face that he will back me up, but BS14 comes home with major attitude after his weekend with his dad. Seems like I have to reprogram him every other week. Once we get back into routine, he's going over there again for a visit.
Last weekend, his father took BS14 and BD9 to the skatepark for an entire day. BS14 comes home asking why we never do anything fun with them. Why can't we ever take them to the skatepark or Six Flags? (We have a Six Flags in our city - Ex has season passes and they go about once a month). How do you answer that?
I tell him that DH and I live in the real world. We actually have to raise you kids. Besides, there are 6 of us in the family, and we can't afford to be Disneylanding them every weekend. And how can you even say we don't do anything fun with you kids? We go to the movies whenever there's something really good out - that's at least $60. We go out to eat once a week. Sorry we have to make you kids eat off the kids menu, but otherwise, we wouldn't be able to afford it.
Our kids have it made compared to what we had it when we were growing up, yet they seem to appreciate what they have so much less. They have 3 different types of game systems (from the blending of the household). We have the basement fully fitted out for kids. There's a big TV w/ DVD, air hockey table, we even have a popcorn and candy machine. When we were young, we had one TV with 4 stations, an Atari and that was it. I feel like I had fun when I was a kid. I stayed outside all day during the summer. My kids go outstide for 30 minutes and then they're bored. Whiny-ass little punks! LOL!
Okay, back to my point. I wish my Ex would take him for just one month. I'd like to see how much fun he has with Dad if Dad actually had to raise him. There's no way my Ex could afford to entertain them every single day.
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
It AMAZES me how much you
It AMAZES me how much you and I are alike on this. The only difference is that my x only sees my son once or twice a year. So that "Godizes" him that much more in my sons head. His father can do no wrong.
Just the same as you though, skate parks, six flags, all the time! The whole time he has him. Then my son wants to know why I don't want to have fun with him to.....um......because I can't take two weeks off work to entertain you because I have to work everyday so I can RAISE you!!
What is it with our boys and the skate park. Little skater punks.
And I think you will understand the glory in this.......STAR also shaves his head. You know how skater boys are with their hair right? That will hit where it counts.
I feel for you my 13 yo DD
I feel for you my 13 yo DD has been an angel her whole life, and while her grades are still straight A's her attitude makes me like her less and less. Here's hoping its an age thing!
alright now I'm REALLY
alright now I'm REALLY getting worried...see pic of choochoo on his new skateboard...a present from disney barelythere dad. *nailbiting*
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
What I said jokingly to my
What I said jokingly to my DH the other day - we got to kill it now before it grows and mutates into it's father. Can't let it breed more little monsters.
Before I get blasted - this was said jokingly!!!
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Okay that's funny. I'm
Okay that's funny. I'm going to have to say this to DH! He'll get a kick out of it to!
And Barbie, honey you are in store for it babe. I had my boy in check pretty well before, I don't know what happened or where it went wrong. I guess when he hit puberty and I still thought he'd do the right thing instead of all the wrong things. New skateboard with disney dad huh? Uhoh honey.
You know I'll still be here for you when he turns into my bio.
thanks jen:) it really
thanks jen:) it really helps having support from someone who has been there!
choochoo takes vyvance for his anxiety and focus issues...he's very obedient when I threaten him within an inch of his life but why does it ALWAYS have to come my wits end before he'll listen and begrudgingly do what he's told...
I'm just gonna blame all this on moron,dumbf**k spermdonor...what was I thinking having a baby with a man like that?? Apparently when I was 19 I wasn't concerned about the genetic garbage going into my baby.
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
Barbie that's exactaly how
Barbie that's exactaly how my son is. I have to go postal on him before he'll do the right thing. But why? Why make me take everything, why get to that point that I turn into psycho mom to get him to do what he knows he needs to do?
I've tried to talk to him, to let him know I'm at the end. It's gotta stop or I'm gonna get nuts. Sure as day he'll act like I've never even talked to him. He forces me to go to such measures.
Why??
Exactly Jen...and then WHY
Exactly Jen...and then WHY is it that after I do the psycho mom thing do I feel like such a total piece of crap? I've tried to play SO many different types of mommy...the understanding mommy, the calm mommy, firm mommy, angry mommy, no nonsense mommy, and finally psycho mommy...then BINGO that's the only one that gets choochoo's ass in gear but doesn't do anything to straighten his attitude. UGH
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
oh gawd that's the funniest
oh gawd that's the funniest thing I've read today! I'm SO going to quote that to my husband tonight! lmao thanks happygirl!
An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
I think the taking away of
I think the taking away of everything in his room would definitely be an eye opener for him. I saw that on an episode of "World's Strictest Parents". He had a mattress, blanket and one set of clothing. They actually TOOK AWAY the mattress because he cursed!!! I know it sounds extreme, but you have to do what is best at this present time.
like they all do every once in a while 
Teens suck. I remember being a brooding and sulking and noone understands me, lol. My SS is so like this. But worse.
As far as the meds, if there is a way to be certain he takes it, then maybe it would be good to get back into it. My son takes Focalin right now and it has helped immensely.
But I think he just needs a good ass kickin
SS sounds like my bio. He
SS sounds like my bio. He has always had such a big heart, but it seems to be MIA right now. I don't know what went wrong, what I did wrong.
And you are right about the skating generation I'm afraid. Though I do try to watch his freedom, and supervise as much as possible, at the age of 14 I felt I needed to let the reins a little looser, let him make some of his own decisions. Wrong..........
And I hate the skating thing. He thinks he'll grow up to be a pro. Maybe he will ,maybe one day I'll eat that crow. Hell I hope so because then he'll be rich! LOL!
But I wish he would realize that he can do that AND have a education to back it up. That's the part I'm trying, and failing, to get through.
Ha ha. Sorry, I didn't see
Ha ha. Sorry, I didn't see your post before I posted. I love that show.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
I love you for doing this
I love you for doing this Jen! Any parent that does the hard things when they need to get done, gets a big kudos from me.
What's funny is that I've been wanting to suggest what you are going to do to some of the ladies who have troublesome teens on the board. I was watching "World's Strictest Parents" on CMT (for those that have never seen it, it is a show about teens that are horrible to their parents. They are then sent to a strict family and stay with them for a week) and they didn't let the teens have anything. It got to the point that the boy teen lost the mattress because he was so blatantly disrespectful. When he did something to earn the strict parents' trust then he got it back. By the end of the show, he was a completely different kid. They even took the teens' clothes like you are going to do. Put them to work doing volunteer activities. I originally thought it was harsh but by the end, fell in love with the idea.
Maybe you could let him earn some of the smaller stuff in between now and when the report card comes out so that he doesn't get discouraged and not even try. Like small incentives?
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
That is where I got the
That is where I got the idea! I love that show!!
And yes I think you are right about winning back small stuff between report card times. Thanks, and I'm going to put that in there!
I swear you guys are great.
Don't feel bad Jen. I think
Don't feel bad Jen. I think you're doing the right thing. That's probably what I would do too. I just can't believe that DH got him an xbox after having failed 1 year and skidded by another. WRONG! Yep, take away all the perks and advantages until the grades come back up and he starts to show respect again. The way you describe how he dresses, he sounds like my nephew!!
Steve, the only thing he is
Steve, the only thing he is interested in is skating. That's it. Now tell me how to make that work......................ppplllllleeeeeeaaaasssssseeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Jen - I have to agree and
Jen - I have to agree and support you with every aspect of cleaning his room taking his clothes. I would also take the "crappy x-box" and either sell it on e-bay or stash it away somewhere.
Be prepared for him to refuse to go to school and act out. Even worse in the begining. If you are from a smaller town talk to the police chief maybe he can assist without you as well without DFS being involved and making the problem worse. I know you have said in the past you DH is a big man - but also shortly out of the hospital.
You can not be tough enough you cant. Look at it this way. My 32 year old brother still lives with my mother - take her cc to by booze and is a violet alcoholic. He takes over her house - he is a nasty dirty individual, had she and my father been as tough on him at an early age maybe - just maybe she wouldnt be dealing with this now
Good Bless ya girl!
"No one can hurt you as bad as your own children" Quote from libby's mom
I get that DPWB. Makes
I get that DPWB. Makes sense to me. I was a very assertive teen myself and was convinced that I knew better than anyone, especially my mom. So I know whats going on.........
He is growing up, and I get that. I don't want to "control" his every move, but he's got to stop acting like a 2 year old if wants me to consider him a "young man". KWIM?