strange fight with DH
During the last SK visit, DH & I got in a fight. It was actually kind of a relief because he has finally seen fit to mention that he's noticed we just don't get along when SKs are at the house. I told him that I really don't want to take away his relationship with his kids, that's why I just make myself scarce when they're around (hard to do when most visits are announced about a day before). He said he wants us all to be a family & he doesn't know any better than I do how to deal with this. After we calmed down (there was a brief relapse of yelling when I caught SD7 listening outside our door & told her to go play & DH told me I'd been snappy when I told her that), I was glad we were talking about it & about how he gets moody when they visit & it makes me even more miserable. We both know that our fighting has interfered with how often he has the kids because it's been dropping off a lot these last few months. Since I have no say in when DH is getting the kids, I didn't realise that some of that dropping off has had to do with DH noticing that it made me scarce & wanting me home more. I feel terrible knowing that I'm interfering directly with this. I thought that staying out of the way of his time with his kids was the best thing to do if they were around. They aren't there to see me, afterall. DH wants us all to be a happy family. It seems like a lot to ask. Especially the happy part. We all just get more miserable when I'm home. We cut the conversation short because SKs were going home soon & we said we'd talk more later. It's been almost two weeks now & not a word. We've even gotten along beautifully. I want to talk about it more but I don't want to bring it up when they aren't here. Why waste perfectly good time on this when another visit will be staring us in the eye soon enough?
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Maybe you guys should
Maybe you guys should schedule a date to a local pub or restaurant (some place public) and sit down to discuss it. Being in a public place will help you two actually discuss the situation rather than argue. It is also a very nuetral place that both of you will feel free to talk openly.
It is never a good idea to fight in front of the kids. Not only is is it not good for them, do you really want BM knowing your business? I'm sure they go right back and tell her. Why give her the satisfactionl...kwim.
Goshh....
We are so much alike that you are telling my story bookgirl. You are doing what I would do in your case.
-Letting him have all of the time he wants with Skids, because after all they are his kids.
-While I am out shopping or whatever and having fun without him while he is stuck home with his kids. Why deal with their mess/choas if you don't have to????
Try!
I know that being stepmom is not easy, but you went into this knowing that he had kids. He chose you meaning that he loves you and he trusts you to be with his kids. You are a part of their family, you need to interact with them and let them know that you care. By you being scarce and always away the kids may feel that you don't like them. Plan something fun and interact as a MOM (cause that is what you are).
My DH's new wife had the same issue a lil more to it due to selfishness and not having children of her own, but after I told her how to handle the kids and what to do differently she and the DH noticed that the kids warmed up a lil more.
Make it as easy on the DH as possible cause he may feel like he has to please everyone.
Try this
The kids don't live there for one, and its not fair of her dh to just announce the day before that they are comming for the weekend. Maybe she has plans, maybe she wanted to have an adult party, or she wanted to plan just something for the two of them. And this is also her house, and just as she chose someone with kids, he chose to get married and he also has obligations to her. So what he needs to do is follow a set schedule of when they visit, so they both can plan. Its different when they don't live there, they are still visitors and you have to plan for groceries, meals ect. I would be mad to, but sticking to a schedule would make a big difference where she wouldn't be blindsided.
This would be much easier for your dh because you guys could plan way ahead for yourselves, and being able to prepare mentally ahead for his kids may help you cope.
lol...are we married to the
lol...are we married to the same guy???
My husbands ALWAYS GETS MOODY!, short tempered and not fun to be around when his kids are visiting. He has to drive 3 hours! so he's in a nasty mood off the bat. I keep out of his way too , to give him time with kids but he doesn't spend the time....he interacts with them on and off..we all eat lunch or dinner together. We all get along separate and together but there is this odd feeling in the air. A disturbance.
like last weekend, i basically felt like i was holding my breath until he had to bring them home. Not because we dont get along...actually it was very nice and pleasant the past week with them. Sd and i got along great...it was my Dh's demeaner. When they left, i was finally relaxed. ANdhe came home after the long drive to settle down but was in a snappy mood. I understnad its a combination of guilt for them and a reminding of the divorce and loss of family, failure in a marriage....feeling bad they are not there for them..etc..etc...
Its just really uncomfortable to be around the dh's when they are like this. And there is nothign we can do about it. Honestly, its on their plate, their emotions, they have to deal with it.
so i understand about not talking about it ...cause a weekend will come again.
He needs to vent out his feelings like my dh does....and he needs to know you understand how he feels.
I go through it every damn weekend when his kids are there...for the last 8 years. Its gottne better over the years and for the last year or so since they come less its improved....but its all in the dh's mind. His guilt. ANd it doens't go away...sorry to say...you have to bear with it.
ANd dont get me wrong, at times i've snapped at him and told him to wake up. I hate doing nothing because he's in a foul mood. Not fun for the kids either....they are there to visit him but he does nothing with them! RRRRRR
lol...husband...not
lol...husband...not husbands....wouldnt' that be great...married to more than one guy, so i can take turns when the other one is foul!!! AHAAHAHHAHH
I do the same thing...
Because the SD's 12 and 15 have never really liked me or treated me well (because of crazy BM) and I feel very uncomfortable. I try to disappear a lot more lately and it bothers DH but, WTF? I should sit in the same room with them and put up with the disrespect and dirty looks I get? Especially when (God forbid) I am giving any kind of affection to my OWN husband?? I don't think so.
I'd rather go and do something fun that is all about me. Call me selfish...I call it keeping my sanity!! After all, they are HIS KIDS. He signed up for the visitation crap, not me. I agreed to marry HIM not marry HIS KIDS. He can have a relationship with them all he wants...but I don't want one. Never have, never will.
Maybe if they had tried a little harder when I was kissing their asses all the time for a year, but I am done with all that. They can kiss MY ass for a change...lol.
Love
thank you
I love the idea of meeting somewhere & talking this over at a restuarant. I think we'll try that, & what's the deal with our husbands/boyfriends/life partners & their grumpy attitudes during these weekends. I never realised it before but that might have a lot to do with many of our SK problems. ~Bookgirl~