Terrible
DH's grandmother passed away a few days ago. It wasn't a surprise, but all of us were sad to say goodbye. The funeral was today. When DH & I arrived at the service, there was BM with her parents. I definitely agree that if they were close she had a right to say goodbye, but after BM had an affair, DH's grandmother never had a nice word to say to her. She made it clear that if BM ever showed up at her house again, she would be told to leave. So there she was. To top it off, BM sat right behind DH & I during the service. I'm actually surprised she didn't stay for dinner afterward. How terrible. No wonder her kids have no manners, they're mother doesn't even have decency.
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We were in the same
We were in the same situation a few months back. DH's ex wife was told she could come to funeral but not to the tea afterwards. We imagined, naively that she would slip in quietly and sit up the back somewhere. She arrived, drunk and dressed like a hooker, all of which was bad enough. But then she actually turned up at the tea with one of her equally disgusting friends and gorged herself stupid on the buffet, acting like a long lost and much loved relative......we left early we were so upset. I felt frustrated at my husband for not tackling her, because all eyes were on us, watching how we dealt with her being there. She enjoyed every minute of it and I am sure she knew exactly what she was doing.
I can understand
going to things like the funeral of the other parent of your children, or to a funeral for a member of your kids other family, but it should be done in a civilized way.
I don't think BM should have gone in this case, though. If she wanted to "be there" to support the kids, then she could have sat in her car, in the parking lot, and let the kids know where she'll be parked, so if they want to make a respectful exit from the service to get support from her, they can. Or she should have sat in another room in the building where the service was held so if the kids wanted to go to her for a hug and quietly leave the service, they could. Given what BM did, and how DHs grandma felt about her, she should have at least had the decency to not go to the actual services.
As a SD I've had similar situations occur. My dad's dad died when I was 8, after my mom and dad divorced and Dad married my stepmother. My mom & dad were high school sweethearts and both got (and still get) along famously with each other's families, even after my dad's actions. My mom went to my granddad's funeral, wake and burial, but sat in the back and made quiet appearances to be respectful of my stepmother. She was there for me at the same time. So a balance shod try to be struck- be there for the kids but still be respectful of the new partner/stepparent.
as far as respect
Goes, where is BM & her parents' respect for a family in mourning? None of them were welcome around her when she could say she wanted them anywhere near her. Couldn't they have made amends then? I call that hypocrisy. Particularly when the entire rag-tag crew were sniffling down my neck during the entire cermony, and how about when I put hostility on hold to greet them kindly and they refused to shake my hand when I offered it & simply stared? Is that not me turning a blind eye? Is that behaviour teaching respect for the dead to their children & grand children? I strongly believe in trying to take a break from the war. I didn't bat an eye at their actions. I'm simply venting after the fact. I can assure you that as someone who teaches others how to behave in public, I certainly have correct manners on such occasions, but I also have a right to express my feelings about theirs. Thank you for those of you who actually understand what it's like to be in this position. ~Bookgirl~
wow stepaside.....
I feel the same way about my MIL.....when she dies, I wont exactly know what to do. I cannot stand that woman and everyone in the family knows it. I wont want to look like a hypocrit by going to her funeral, but I will want to support my husband.