When BM's financial irresponsibility impacts the skids....do you step in?
It appears that BM and her hubby's lifestyle of spend spend spend is finally catching up with them. For the past three years I have scratched my head and wondered how they were doing it...new cars...eating out every meal...new toys for the skids every time they went by her house. They had been getting a ton of child support from DH (we have 50/50 but DH made a lot more than BM at the time). After DH lost his job, BM ended up not only losing child support, but having to PAY support to us. Still they spent. Now all we hear from the skids is "mom has no money, mom can't afford xyz. we have to wait until payday."
So far BM hasn't bought school supplies for SD (we buy for SS)..she recycled stuff from last year. SD has yet to get a winter hat, gloves, snowpants or boots. SD has literally no clothes that fit her, so SD comes home in the small summer clothes (which we ship off to Goodwill). SD was in tears the other day because BM yelled at her because DH and I "send all her nice clothes to Goodwill." SD even asked if she could take a backpack of clothes from here over to BMs.
It is so sad to watch, but DH and I are firm that it isn't our responsibility to bail out BM. After all, she and her husband make more than us, and they continue to spend on fast food, weekends away without the kids etc, instead of purchasing things the kids need. DH and I have agreed that with the exception of SD's braces, we will not step in to provide for the skids at BMs home. The question is.....does that make us terrible? and at what point do you step in when BM could afford things but chooses to spend on herself first?
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Catlover... BM has to pay
Catlover... BM has to pay support to you if I am reading correctly. So, if you have to spend a little extra to get that kid the stuff she needs at both homes, in my opinion, spend it.
If the situation were reversed, if you were sending BM child support and she used it for her home only, I don't think you would like that either. I think you would feel that that is what your part of child support is for. Do you think that's correct?
Whatever you do.. in my opinion.... the SD shouldn't be the one punished by BM's inept parenting and spending skills. No, you shouldn't provide groceries, necessities at BM's house. But if she takes some of her clothing from your house to BM's, or you are buying school supplies, well, I would think of it as that's BM's portion of Child Support and I'd let that one slide.
What do you think?
That does not make you guys
That does not make you guys terrible at all!! Bm and her hubby are beign irresponsible and that is their problem at their house. Not yours. If she continues to do this to her children , then she should drop the 50/50, and pay more Cs to you guys for raising them 100% instead of half.
Stand your ground. She earns more andif she is irresponsible then its sd tough...sorry to say.
i dont step in . I use to and my dh stopped me. If the bm sent skids, and ss had not underwear...well instead of me buying him more and then it gets sent back at mommy's house, i didnt' buy anything, he was left with no underwear. If she sent both kids with shitty clothes.....then too bad. they stayed in shitty clothes and we didnt' go out because they were nto appropriately dressed. They loss...not ours. And my dh told her, i give CS , there is money, and if youchoose to spend it on other htings, and let your children suffer , its on yoru head, not mine.
WE actually brought them once to sisterinlaw house, and saw sd was upset the way the entire family was looking at her...her aunt was pist off and we told the family, nope....let it be.
Its honestly cruel, i've cried a few times, feeling really sorry for them, but i can't let bm' games get to me...so i've wiped myself clean now for many years and basically my dh and i have decided to not intervene. Just like you have.
Ahhh Angel... but you wrote
Ahhh Angel... but you wrote it right here...
i give CS , there is money, and if youchoose to spend it on other htings, and let your children suffer , its on yoru head, not mine.
If BM is paying child support to DH and there is full 50/50... then that child support, in my opinion should be used to provide for the child.
I couldn't do that to a kid. I couldn't let a kid go without the necessities because BM is an idiot. That doesn't punish BM and it doesn't prove a point to the children, in my opinion. All it does is give everyone bad feelings.... you for feeling bad... the skids for going without - they are the pawns in this game... and it gives BM an opportunity to say "I pay child support and where does it go??"
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
That does sound cruel to
That does sound cruel to me... I could never do that. We only have SDs EOWE and before they were old enough to make sure their own bags were packed for the weekend, BM would 'forget' to send anything good for them to wear. I bought them cute stuff to wear here and then they would just leave it here for next time. I would never ever let a kid stay in shitty clothes just to prove a point. We pay a good chunk of CS but one day those kids will also be old enough to realize that yes, we give their mom a big check but WE STILL buy them what they need and BM doesn't.
BUt isn't the CS being sent
BUt isn't the CS being sent over for SS??? if so, why should he get less?
Its a difficult one. Plus her dh doesn't have a job, so i'm sure the cs being sent is paying for food, clothes and school supplies. Having one salary to run a household is not enough to support two families in my opinion. 50/50...does this mean you share both kids half the time or do you have ss and bm has sd??
Stick has a point with clothes....she can bring them back and forth. BUT if there isnt' enough money then i'm sorry, sd will just have to go without and have reused stuff. Nothing wrong with reused as long as they are not tattered and torn. My son has handme downs.
sounds like bm rolling in the money kept spending on new stuff for the kids and sd is not getting new stuff now and doens't like it.
Maybe i'm misunderstanidng it...
To clarify for you guys...
To clarify for you guys... we have both SS and SD 50/50 one day here and then one day there etc. DH does have a job now but since it pays half what BM makes, we receive CS from BM. I work part time and DH and I also have a BD (19mo). My perspective is that the skids will not go without ie...if it snows and SD doesn't have the necessary snow pants, hats etc, then I will purchase them for her and send the whole bill to BM (since we already purchased SS's) We have traditionally been responsible for SS's stuff, while BM is responsible for SD's (based on who claims the child on taxes). The small clothes get put in the goodwill bag, and SD wears an appropriate outfit from here back to BM's ...so in a way..we do contribute clothing to her home there.
What I refuse to do is just pack up a bag of clothes, hats, gloves, etc from here to send over there. Will I let her go without? Nope... but I also will make BM step up as much as possible KWIM? Especially because BM does earn substantially more than us...but chooses to spend her money on new cell phones, vacations alone with hubby etc.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
Since its equal custody both
Since its equal custody both bioParents must equally provide necessities for their children regardless of the amount of child support and who's giving it---that's a separate issue. Has Dh discussed this with the kids' mom? They need to come up with a plan that works for them and the kiddos.
My XH and I have 50/50 custody of our two children. We agreed to spend X amount of dollars for them or get reimbursed by the other if there's a difference. I imagine this works well with us because we trust one another. I can see how one parent could take advantage of the other.
One could go as far as including this into the court agreement if need be.
In my case, my dh gives her
In my case, my dh gives her CS and she spends it all on herself and bills.
Kids get nohting but scrap clothes....its changing slowly because my dh and i refuse to give anymore. Kids are pawns, but since bm has full custody in our situation, its her fault. Not ours. My dh gives and if she doesn't spend it right, not our fault.
Believe Me Catlover... I
Believe Me Catlover... I hate how BM over here is financially irresponsible and DH and I are trying to do everything we can to provide for SD. DH and I recently learned that BM has received $50,000 from refinancing the house while she still owes DH $20,000!! And yet, she is claiming poor to us and cannot provide for SD. I get making her financially responsible as DH and I are going after her for child support - now legally. I get all of that frustration and disgust... and I understand that you are doing what is best by SD.
Unfortunately, the only options you have are to keep records of everything you have to buy for SD because BM won't and then go to court with it to get her CS raised to cover both children. That's the route it seems as though you guys will have to take because BM and her husband are being selfish as*holes.
I'm sorry... I'm in the same boat and I hate it.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
The financial decisions in
The financial decisions in her home, should be up to her and her new husband. Now, if you pay child support and the kids don't have what they need because mommy spends it on herself, that's another issue. But since you don't pay, it's up to them to figure out what they need, not need and to do whatever they want with their money. I'd just stay out of it. But do not bail them out. Not your problem.
I think if you start buying
I think if you start buying things for the skids, the BM will begin to expect that of you. She will never learn to be a responsible parent to her kids. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't buy extras for the skids. If it's something skids need, like a winter coat, a phone call is in order to BM to find out why one hasn't been purchased. And when the excuses start rolling in, start discussing why BM feels she needs new vehicles, dinners out, etc.