Your parents and the skids
Just wondering what YOUR parents feelings/opinions etc about your skids are. My parents had serious (but valid) concerns about me getting involved with someone with two kids and the drama that would follow. Even after DH and I got married and had BD 10 months, my parents remained polite but distant with the skids. My parents have clearly stated that these are not their grandkids (as opposed to BD who they dote on). They prefer to visit when the skids are gone, don't attend any of the skids events (birthdays etc), and the only way they buy gifts for them for Holidays is if the skids are coming with us that year (we have them 50/50). My SS has some behavior issues with being disrespectful/not listening/throwing tantrums. Any time SS and my parents interact, I am soooo self conscious that my parents are seeing his poor behavior and saying "I told you so". This situation causes a lot of stress in my home. The skids don't understand why BD gets cards and presents for her bday, but they don't from my parents. (DH and I have both tried to explain the fact that their mom and mom's parents don't buy BD any gifts). DH is hurt by my parents reaction as he would like to live in a fantasy world where we are one big happy family. I can honestly see both sides to this one, and so I don't push either side. I also tend to walk on eggshells with my parents. I feel like I can't call them to vent about DH or skids and that I have to edit what information goes to them (such as details about the court case)because they simply respond with judgment. This frankly sucks, because it takes away a huge natural support system for me.
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That's what brought me to this website in the first place.
My mom really, really does NOT like SD8. Actually few people do, and for good reason. However, we are a family and she still buys her gifts, attends her events, etc. It is my opinion that if you marry someone with children you are creating a new family and the children should all be treated equally. I would be really hurt, and so would my children, if my in-laws excluded them. That being said, I no longer ask my mom to watch my kids when we have SD (we have her about 60% of the time). She can choose all or none when SD is here. Often she just waits until times when SD is not here and asks to see the kids. That way she gets one-on-one with my kids, doesn't have to deal with SD, and no one is the wiser. Just my opinion though.
oh wow...
Well I'm very lucky. My mom takes my SD8 for the day or the night. My grandmother actually watches my SD after school 3 days a week. Don't get me wrong...none of my family members have ever approved of my relationship with H. But they try, honestly I can totally understand your stress because I don't know what I'd do without the support of my family. Regardless if they approve or not.
My parents did try, but no more
My parents tried so hard with SD15. DH and I got married when she was 8. Bottom line, SD is impossible to love and nearly impossible to even like, except perhaps for those who are related to her by blood and feel an obligation to keep trying.
My mom always included SD in events, bought her presents for EVERY occasion, etc. SD either ignored her, refused to thank her, or refused to use the gifts. When we have SD and go to my parents' house, she doesn't speak to anyone. It's quite rude.
My mom finally gave up when she came to my house and found that pretty much every gift she has ever given SD was squirreled away in the basement and never touched or even opened.
My parents are really good about it
they consider my SD thier oldest granddaughter and try very hard to love her. I think they do care about her, but they see all sides of her. They put on a happy face when she is around and treat just like the other grandkids. But later my mom will ask about her behavior or tell me something that she feels was not right for SD to do.
Often when I vent to her about SD she stands up for her a bit and reminds me that I am the one in control and SD is just a child (even though she thinks she is an adult). My parents are very helpful but have a hard time understanding our position since they have been married since my mom was 16 and dad 18. They never dealt with a blended family before.
I lost
my parents' support the day I told them that I was going to marry DH. They did not approve of our relationship from the get go and refused to have anything to do with me if I chose to marry him. I did, and even though I still talk to my parents (I don't think they could ever truly abandon me), I don't ever talk to them about my troubles with DH and Blabb. The first (and the last) time I did vent to them about DH and Blabb, my father said: I told you so. and my mother said: Darling, that was your choice to make. What do you want us to do when all along we told you not to marry that man?
So. I never went to them for help ever again.
That sounds eerily familiar.
The day I moved in with BF, my father hit the roof and would not speak to me for six months. He finally started speaking to me again, but after a bit of trying on my part. (He is my dad ~ no matter what, I still love him) This last Father's Day, he told me that he really disapproved of our relationship and that he didn't feel that BF was doing right by me. He felt that I was in for a really hard road, and he wanted to spare me of that. He also felt that I could do better by being with someone w/out all the issues and baggage that came with being in a relationship with someone who has been divorced. In the end, he said that he didn't like BF, would never darken the door to our home, but he would be civil and polite if they were in the same room together for visits, dinner, holidays, etc. That's about all I can expect from him, and it disappoints me greatly. I don't ever talk to my dad about anything that goes on with our relationship because of that very reason. I can talk to my mom occasionally, but she gets tired of listening, and says things along the same lines that yours does, SW19. That's why I came here. You guys are really the only ones that understand!
I've been with DH for 5
I've been with DH for 5 years and my parents met my ss when he was 9. My SS really doesnt have grandparents from DH and BM and I think he wanted to be someone's grandchild, so he calls my parents Grandpa and Grandma.
My parents buy him gifts for Christmas and very loving towards him. As he gets older I think SS realized the family difference.
My parents always due a little extra for my kids, but never in front of SS.
I think its a tricky situation, and really depends onthe child. Are DH and BM parents involved? If the child is young and doesnt have that special love of grandparents, then Ithink The Step grandparents should get alittle more involved.
Are DH and BM parents involved?
DH's and BM's parents are very involved grandparents almost to the point of spoiling. Think tickets to go to the Indy500. In addition BM's fiance's parents are involved too. SS made a snide comment to DH and I over Christmas that he and SD get way more presents than BD does because they have BM/SD's families too, and how "cool" that is. I add this because its not like skids are left without that special attention. In fact they seem to enjoy pointing out the cool things they get from BM's side that BD does not get.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
no biokids of my own
so my parents are eager to have a relationship with SD. I'm an only child too, so she's, at least for now, the closest they're getting to a grandchild. I know they are hesitant though, to open their hearts completely. They loved my exhusband and it was a huge blow to "lose" him when we got divorced, so i think they're a little gunshy with adopting people, especially a kid, into the family so readily. Still, the cards and gifts do come...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I guess I am lucky. My
I guess I am lucky. My parents love my ss9. They treat him the same as they do my sisters kids. In fact each summer my sister sends her 2 kids to visit for a week and my mom takes my ss for the week and they have nana camp. My mom even had a hard time with how to deal with my H's SD13. She doesn't come over ever and she isn't my SD but my mom feels bad she doesn't do anything for her.
Mine are very neutral..
My mom was not very supportive of me marrying DH (in retrospect with good reason). Up to the day of the wedding she wanted me to "back out".. My parents have never been around SS except for the day of the wedding. My dad was very nice to the little boy and my mom was so busy being social that she didn't pay much attention to him. We did have him for Christmas and my siblings all bought presents for him (my parents were out of the country).. I agree that blending is not always the easy road, I think most parents just want what is best for their kids and they know that taking on a man with children can be a painful journey.
That being said, I also believe that Skids have their own families, and while it may not be fair to exclude them, it is also difficult for my side of the family to keep up (in my case since he lives out of state) with his life since, they don't really see him, and my parents have 6 other grandkids (from my siblings).
One can only hope!
I'm probably not the
I'm probably not the greatest example, because SS lives out of state and we rarely see him, but I'll give you all sides of my situation. With SS, my mom has only met him once (at the wedding) and thought he was a good kid. But she doesn't ever send him gifts or cards or anything...she's in a different state than us too. My dad and stepmom, however, live in my town and see him once a year when he is here but they send him cards and gifts for xmas & his bday. My MIL treats my oldest son the same as she treats SS and my son with my DH...she sends my kids stuff in the mail all the time, cards at EVERY holiday even though she is very poor (she doesn't work and lives off disability). My mom also doesn't send gifts or cards or anything to my sister's stepkids and it really pisses my sister off. But she doesn't say anything cause it will just cause a fight. Instead, when my mom sends a card with $200 to her two boys, she gives $50 to all 4 kids and has them all sign a thank you note. This irritates mny mom. They both complain to me but saying nothing to each other. In my situation, I couldn't care less if my mom recognizes SS, because they don't know each other & he'd never know the difference, but in my sisters case they see her DHs boys every other weekend, summers & holidays, so THEY would know. I think its messed up of my mom, but she is who she is...which is not a very nice person. And she's a hypocrit because she always tells her husband, my stepdad since I was 3, that all their kids should be treated equal...guess that doesn't apply to all the grandkids though!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
My parents are probably
JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
spinning in their graves over the situation with my skids, DH and in-laws. As I stated in another post, my family, living or deceased members, would have never treated my DH or skids like DH's family has treated me. Even if my parents didn't like the skids, DH or his family, they would have been gracious, polite and welcoming. However, I keep expecting a lightning bolt to strike me for allowing myself to get in this situation. lol! My sister tried very hard (as I did) to have a relationship with with the SD's and my in-laws; she bought them presents for diffent occasions, tried conversing with them at family gatherings, etc., but they never even acknowledged the presents or her so she ceased all contact with them.
My parents
have always been polite and gracious to DH and SD. My dad does give us money to get gifts for SD for birthday and Christmas. SD has gone to visit all of them many times, and I have a big family, and she seems to have a great time every time.
But since SD is openly writing crap about DH on the internet, then inviting my nieces and nephews to read the slanderous remarks about DH, the kids in my family of course told their parents, so I have never had to, what SD is doing. Since then my siblings have stopped supporting SD, and honestly now I realize they were all just being polite and probably saw SD's true colors even before I did. The only explanation I can think of is that SD apparently secretly hates us, or in a big stretch, that she does this to please her mom. I do not pretend to understand SD's motivation and am past excusing it.
SD did not get any gifts from us or my or DH's family this Christmas, and no one asked where she was. They are aware of how she smiles in our face, then betrays us, until I put a stop to it. And they support me, and DH, because they know we have tried as hard as we can, and this is the thanks we get.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin