Wish she would drop them off at the curb
I'm driven to make my first ever post here by what just happened 2 minutes ago. BM is leaving town for a long weekend. She just dropped the kids off (SD14 SS12).
Then BM slaps a full grocery bag down on my kitchen counter, "I packed some snacks for the kids."
I can see a package of Chips Ahoy inside the bag and SD14 starts yapping about finally having ramen at this house (cuz apparently it's in the bag). And that was right after her mother chided her in front of me for already having ramen 3 times this week already at BMs house.
Believe me, there is plenty of junk food at this house already. A whole cabinet dedicated to it. We don't force these kids to go 2 whole (or 3 in this case) days without pretty much an IV drip of steady junk food. However, I DO go to a lot of trouble to plan some minimally nutritious meals for them that I think they will find palatable. SS12 is autistic, so the menu has a great deal of restrictions. Whatever I do serve is definitely kid food.
Furthermore, the ramen is a sore spot because it is one of the tools in my DHs very gentle parenting style. If SD14 behaves, she gets more of her favorite things. If she is horrid, no one buys her any ramen (amongst other things).
Those are just a few of the details. The bottom line is I felt very invaded to have BM bring all this junk food into our kitchen, subverting the way we do things and signalling to SD14 that she can be in control of even more of what happens in our house. Almost like BM handed SD14 a golden ticket that says, "Sure, eat junk food all day -- then refuse to eat a single thing the chief grownup carefully and thoughtfully prepared for you. Oh, and make sure to instigate your brother, too, we don't want him ever getting a bite of protein or a morsel of green."
Would be interested in how all of you handle this type of thing.
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I had to come here and read
I had to come here and read your blog after seeing your great response on another member's post. You sound like a very reasonable and intelligent woman so I was curious.
I hope you were able to resolve the grocery/junk food issue back in May. I would have set those groceries aside and anything that SD already knew wasn't allowed should be kept in the bag to go back to BM's at the end of the visit.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your response! This post was lost in cyber space for several days because I was a new member. By the time it became visible, I think it was probably so far down the queue because of it's original posting date that no one ever saw it. I'm so glad you came by!
Yes, we did resolve it, in my DH's manner.
He did not confront BM but put the food aside and let SD know that WE feed her and decide what comes into this house. His plan was to return it untouched to the BM at the end of the weekend so she would "get the message.
I think he was vastly over confident in his ability to "hide" the food because I saw both kids eating things that we don't buy.
He was kind of brilliant though, in the end, because he stuffed the kids bags with fresh produce for HER house when he returned the kids at the end of the weekend!
The best part and bottom line is that he was attentive to my concerns and I tried to be courteous to his approach, too, so we ended up on the same team. That is really hard to do in a step situation, as everyone here knows, and often very difficult in even a non-step marriage.
Glad to have your perspective and support!
I have just found this post
I have just found this post from long ago, Chief GrownUp. It is interesting about foods... for a while i had a working relationship with my 2 boys' SM and gave her tips on what to feed my very difficult to feed then 12-13 yo son. He was also coming off a long-in-place pretty restrictive diet, and she was lost trying to figure out what to give him. It was not ramen noodles, but i would be tempted to say BM ( if she walks into your house like that) may be trying to help you feed them and make things easier.
My interactions with SM were by text or phone, but for a while we had it all figured out and my son got the same stuff all the time, but it was stuff that he ate. I did not send food with him, but SM got him the same dishes.
Sounds like your DH got it all worked out. Good for him! My exH seems to have been missing in our food action, but honestly, i do not think it makes sense to be shlepping foods from one household to the other.
It is also great that now that my boys are 15 and 17 i really do not care what they eat while outside of my house. They can figure it out. It will get better, i swear!
Thanks, Pilgrim. That was my
Thanks, Pilgrim.
That was my DH's view, as well. That she was trying to "help." Some sort of gesture cuz we were keeping them an extra couple days.
But as for the restricted diet, we have a kitchen full of things SS will eat. We try not to let him walk around with a bag of potato chips in one hand and a bag of m&ms in the other all day, though. We are well aware of his favorite foods -- it's a small list. BM knows we know his preferences and can buy our own Chips Ahoy -- if we want them in the house!
But as for SD, she has declared war on dinner at the table. She won't eat anything, even though I prepare her favorite foods. She claims she's "not hungry." I have some sympathy for a kid having to eat food that's different from "Mom's" so I've tried to be very careful. The thing is, she used to LOVE to try NEW foods that I would serve her dad. She is actually an adventurous eater. The refusing to eat is just a new way she thought up to create chaos. She will scavenge in the kitchen all day with the junk food or ramen so she doesn't actually ever get hungry at meal time. So the bag of groceries really felt like a slap in the face because the "groceries" were one hundred percent junk foods. Nothing like any kind of meal fixings in there.
He is trying to create ways to motivate her to behave and if she has everything she wants, what's her incentive?
So I appreciate your perspective. DH was taking a page from your playbook and it's good for me to see his position validated. It is, however, very hard to lose control of one's home like that. Hard to get used to.
Thanks very much.
Oh, and thanks so much for
Oh, and thanks so much for finding this old post!
I just came upon this one
I just came upon this one too.
I'm new also, sort of. Long time lurker and sympathizer.
I see you recognize your DH has a gentle parenting style. Based on your descriptions I agree.
Based on ss12 being autistic, SD15 may very well be Aspie. There's a high correlation in families. Does your DH have any aspie traits? Mine has some traits, as does a SS from a previous marriage, and that's a unique adventure too.
Thanks very much,
Thanks very much, Stepstoadopt. I would not say my DH has any Aspie traits. He gets along socially quite well and is very empathetic.
The BM, on the other hand, seems to have some kind of agoraphobia or something. I don't see her having panic attacks or anything about it and she does a good job of seeming like a generally normal person. But she is content to stay inside a small apartment during all her off time and is actively obstructionist about having the kids leave it, either.
My DH is not the gregarious life of the party guy, but he absolutely loves to go out and do things is just great at meeting new people and carrying on conversations and small talk, etc. Very empathetic. People just love him.
BM knows few people but seems to be quite kind to those she does know. One of DH's long time complaints about her is that she is much nicer to the people further out in her circle than she is to the ones closest to her. So I just don't know how to categorize her. My in-laws think she's depressed. Maybe. Maybe it's just her personality. In the immortal words of Yul Brynner, "iss puzzlement!"