Do I make you happy?
I asked my husband that question today. He was puzzled...
In all this madness - do I make you happy?
"Yes" was his simple reply.
I am now focused on my own custody battle that is costing "our" family thousands of dollars. So I'm now in his shoes. Totally different circumstances but parallelling no less. Dealing with an uncooperative ex who is not paying child support and has ensued an unjust custody arrangement.
I really can begin to know how he has felt.
I think that it is hard to watch someone you love get treated unfairly. It's also hard being THAT person. I can now empathize when I'm trying to explain myself if I am handling a situation the best I can and am having my judgement questioned. There are not rights and wrongs. Just because I think something is so crystal clear doesn't make it right nor does it make it just. It just makes it my own thought out opinion. Which is worthless to anyone but me.
My battle is a solo one. DH is supportive but knows me too well than to attempt to interfere. I wish I could've gotten past my own ego to extend him the same consideration when he was at the peak of his battles with his ex-wife.
Anyways, I sure hope I make him happy because when all this is over...I want to start growing old together. I'm tired of all the outside factors. I want to get back to US.
- Colorado Girl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Sometimes we just don't know
Sometimes we just don't know until we walk a mile in those shoes, don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe he learned from the experience and is applying what he learned to your situation. Good Luck!
For some guys
The answer is as simple as a "yes" and you shouldn't read anything more into it. I know for me being happy can have many different levles:
Happy at work
Happy with my daughter
Happy with myself
When I was with the ex gf and she asked me that question the answer was yes. Her continually asking the question and not addressing the issues led to the answer being "no."
But sometimes men are simple creatures. A "yes" is a yes. Nothing more; nothing less.
Kevin
Simple Creatures...
That is DH.
I wasn't trying to complicate his yes.
I think it was more that I was trying to relay that this new bump that we are embarking upon is a test that him and I have endured before. We didn't get thru it with flying colors mostly because of my own reaction to the situation.
There were times that I was truly UN-happy and I felt hopeless. I just don't want him to travel that same road.
I guess in my rambling, I'm just sick of exes, child support, parenting plans, and whatever.
I just want a little normalcy is all.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Male vs. female
I think women tend to be "fixers" when it comes to stuff like this, though. I'm the fixer in my family when it comes to skid stuff, kid stuff, marital stuff, etc. My DH is the fixer when it comes to car trouble, washing machine breaking, oil changes, replacing A/C filters, etc. If it's a physical thing, DH can fix it. If it's a non-physical problem, then I try to fix it. I don't think it's all ego. I think it's how we're wired. We want to make the people we love happy and fix their problems. My DH will fix anything broken that we put in his path, but he's not so good at fixing relationships. Or, at least, he wasn't. He's getting better, LOL!
________________________________________________________________
ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
Me thinks...
I like this philosophy.
It just would have worked better if I could have learned not to be so adimant that it was done MY way.
I'm SUCH a know-it-all.
DH is a lot more patient with me, though. A lot more patient than I with him and his stupid mistakes.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Somedays Colorado Girl I
Somedays Colorado Girl I feel the same way. Just waiting for this time to be over so I can enjoy my life with DH. Then I realize what a colosal waste of time it would be to wait. This, what we are going through, is life. This is US, at least right now. When c/s, step kids, bio-kids, and ex's have gone away it will be something else we have to contend with. I think the other posters have touched on this...Maybe the question should not be "Do I make you happy?" but rather "Are you happy being with me?" Aren't we all responsible for our own happiness and if we choose to be happy or not?
__________________________________________________________________
"All power is from within therefore under our control." - Robert Collier
Hmm.
I don't want to necessarily wish these kids childhood away either. I just wish that my life didn't revolve around all the problems that go along with being a stepparent. Or being the biomother of children who leave on the weekends. It's funny though because I never imagined it being THIS hard.
This IS my life. I know. Maybe it is me who lacks happiness. It just seems that I'm forever battling somebody that just isn't equipped to be a grown up. So I'm always compromising and trying to to do the right thing with no reciprocation.
I just want to be married and enjoy my husband without all these outside factors making it that much more difficult.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
i feel the same way
"I just want to be married and enjoy my husband without all these outside factors making it that much more difficult."
thats eaxctly how i feel...i want to be able to enjoy the life we would have w/o all the bs...the CS thats making us not be able to pay our bills, the constant stress and drama from bm, not being able to get married and have the things we want bc of money, etc...i just want to be able to live our life and have our family w/o all of that nonsense all the time...its a tough pill to swallow.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Oh God - do I ever feel the
Oh God - do I ever feel the same way. I want to be able to live MY life with my FH without having to deal with 2 spoiled tweens coming into my house everyweek and trashing it. The list could go on and on....never imagined any of this would be as hard as it is - never imagined I would harbor the resentment I do about his past. I thought I could get past it - yeah right!! I try but it's a constant struggle...
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
its hard to let go of the past
and not have resentment when it affects ur new life in such an adverse way in all aspects...
its much easier to let go if its not constantly in your face.
even when SD isnt w us, its still the struggle to pay our bills and not have what we want bc of that "ex-off" payment...and the ex still isnt "off"!! i guess there really is a price to everything...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I have to tell you that
I really admire your insightfulness at such a young age,. You are not that much younger than me, but I wish I had been that insightful at that age. Maybe things would be different w/skids. I think you are great and I think it is great that you want to get back to your marriage. So many people don't these days, they just want to blame each other and then divorce, good for you
Thoughtful response.
And thanks.
Like I've said before...I may be young but I am weathered. I'm also the result of a thousand mistakes made because I had to learn it all the hard way.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Same here CG
I got all caught up in being right all the time. I still don't agree with the way he handles SD and BM but at least I don't have to deal with them on those levels. Like you, I just want to be happy, I was making myself miserable dwelling on what I thought DH should be doing about this or that. Just rubbish rolling around in my mind.
I don't mean to say things are perfect now, they are far from that but I am happier. I will still bitch about DH, BM and SD but I am going to try to let DH handle it all without my help.
I wish I had come around a whole lot faster than I did, sure would have saved myself a load of grief and stress. Good for you honey, you are on the right track.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
It's just hard...
sometimes to keep this big 'ole mouth shut when I see them making monumental mistakes.
It's then I have to choke on my "I told you so..."
I'm learning to NOT give a shit when this happens. But I feel like by disengaging from the situation...I disengage from the hubby and I'm not quite sure if that is a healthy route either...?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I did at first too
But now I feel more liberated, like I don't have to bog myself down in his mud, that kind of thing. I take the attitude (most days)that he is a grown man, he had these kids and this ex long before I came along, he delt with it then and he can deal with it now. I feel closer to him when we don't have these issues between us. Now, let me say that this is how I feel TODAY. I could be totally pissed at his stupid ass tomorrow.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
LOL
They're never really safe from our wrath.
"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more."
Dorothy Parker, Here Lies (1939), "The Little
Ditto to all of this
We all have our issues and baggage... for alot of us here I think most of the time there are two good people trying their best in an often difficult situation. It just is really hard sometimes to shake off the perspective of all those outside factors and not only remember that but just enjoy life in general. I feel like so much of what I've posted here has been negative but really we've got a pretty good life. Of course posting and reading here defintely improves my sanity level and helps me be half of that "two good people" thing!
Posting and venting...
I think is just a search for someone to validate how we feel on our end. We tend to try not to "bitch" too much to our husbands and friends because they are all but sick of it.
So here...this is where I come when no one else quite understands my struggle. And usually, I can soothe my overactive mind.
Most of us are "good people" just trudging through this part of our life that will hopefully one day be a distant memory...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Validation
Still reading my BPD book, trying to finish before SD returns from her now half summer long extravaganza.
I have been in a stellar mood, and am determined to keep it upon her return into the house.
I was just thinking today as I tidied up the kitchen...
I have had six weeks of not having to put a lock on the pantry at night...
Of leaving the 1/4 full sugar jar, 1/2 filled salt shaker out...
and they are still 1/4 and 1/2 full respectively.
And I ain't gonna do it anymore.
If she over eats, she will face the natural consequences. I will continue to suggest healthy eating habits and take away privileges for food found in bedrooms for all the kids.
I am letting go of trying to save my SD from her BM and herself. I am learning that I cannot do it for them anyway. I can only control how I choose to react and feel with their influence in my life.
And I am CHOOSING to live for NOW. Not someday, not when SD's gone, not when BM disappears for good.
RIGHT FRIGGIN' NOW
Emphatic enough you think?
In all my reading the number one thing I'm coming away with is reflective listening and validation.
You don't have to agree with an opinion as the "right" one.
But in order to have healthy relationships you do need to allow your loved one their opinion.
The most loving thing you can do actually...
is tell them their feelings are valid.
I had to read a book for this?
Unfortunately, yes.
SD's shrink's been hinting at it for almost 2 years.
Like you CG, I have to learn the hard way to completely understand.
I think we all need some validation, more than we like to think we do.
And I think you have completely hit on what is so sacred about this cyber space.
I hear you all...I understand you all even if I haven't had the exact same experience as you...
I empathize with you all...
and you and your amazing, deep, profound, sincere, insecure, bitchy, angry, elated, epiphany producing feelings/opinions...
are all valid to me.
Love to all my "Step SISTA's!"
Z
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
PS...In answer to your blog titled question
Do you make me happy CG????
Oh yeah baby!
Every time I read your post or reply to someone else's.
You are an amazingly insightful friend.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I think
I'm gonna hafta get that book Sita. Sounds like you are making great progress with it, good for you!
Much love xoxoxo
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Stop Walking on Eggshells
This book is good because it validates your feelings dealing with others who bait, argue, rage at you.
It also gently tells the reader that though we don't necessarily CAUSE the other person's behavior (their coping mechanisms do- like Black/White thinking, or projecting their ill feeling to you so you can feel them for them so they can feel better, or expecting you to fill their void up for them.) But we all can contribute by continuing to help trigger those outbursts by our reactions ("positive" reinforcement of the behavior.)
I think, like taking the mediation classes I'm looking into, that reading these kinds of books on how to better relate to people around you are useful in any situation.
The other one, STOP Negotiating with your Teens, I recommend to parents of any aged child. I am using some of the techniques on Anna who's only 2.
They both really are guide books for relating to anyone in your life who doesn't respect your personal limits. Oh- THAT's a biggie in the books too that all of us here could use help with. Establishing and following through on our own personal limits.
I would say 99 percent of our woes come from not doing that one thing for ourselves.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
You are right Zen
I can't figure out if I should call you Zen or Sita; anyway I digress. I agree, I do feel better now that I have given my limits some priority, maybe only to me but that's ok. I feel like I have taken back my power instead of giving it to everyone else. Does that make sense?
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Call me either I will answer. Just don't call me
Late to SW's cabin for the wine, chocolate, estrogen fest! Have we succeeded in our evil plot to lure you away from your family that weekend yet????
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I would feel horrible
It's my Bsons 18th birthday. He is my sweet baby boy that never asks for anything EVER and I really wanted to make a big deal about his 18th. My BD graduated this year, we had a huge party for her and we have parties every year for SD so I would feel terrible if I didn't do something big for his day. I am so bummed that I can't come but I would feel like a horrible mother if I did go.
If something changes, or he decides he wants something different, I will be on my way in a flash! Oh and you guys should try some of that new sweet tea vodka, it is da bomb! I'll bring a bottle if I come.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
one thing I have learned
about the way men and women think ( I have two grown boys) is that we will NEVER think alike (surprise!)
Women in general are emotional thinkers/feelers
Men tend to think in more "rational terms" or robotic, not to say they dont'feel' but not to the degree women feel.
I try to think about that in my relationship with FH and his kids.
add two more boys to mine. I sit back and think if I were a guy what would I think about this or how would I react.
mostly I have learned to write things down that I would like done or things I need. if they see- they will do- better that then whining and complaining (me) -
CG you are a terrific person, I look forward to a growing relationship with all my step "sistas" (stolen from zen!!)
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."