The meaning of a last name.
So big announcement in that BM is getting remarried. I'll believe it when I see it being that this is the third engagement in five years. It could happen though.
She moved this guy in after dating for two months, so I suppose 4 months later them being engaged is right on track.
I went to have some beers and appetizers last night with my husband and I candidly asked him how he felt about it.
"I'm really just excited for I don't want her to have my last name anymore"
I, myself, never took either of my husband's last names because I've always kept my maiden name to match my oldest son. I just have an attachment to not having him be so alone in the world. (His biodad is absent in his life and my other son's last name is that of my EXH's) The name isn't what I pride myself on but just the sharing of it with my boy. Our agreement was that I would change my last name to my DH's when my son is older and out of school.
So I questioned his anger only because I couldn't grasp why it would matter. I struggled with it once but that was my own insecurities in my situation that drove that frustration. I've grown stronger in my own marriage and have since lost an annoyance with her being the former Mrs. DH.
It seems to bother my husband though. A lot. Perhaps it was the buzz of the beer, but he purged how much he respects the (unique)name of his father and of his family and that she lacks the honor to carry the name. He said that there is little he wants more in this life then for her to make the final sever to the farce that was their marriage. I sat and listened to him in his honest feelings.. letting him share without taking it personally or making it about me.
I couldn't help but find it ironic to soothe his anger for such a thing.
I've been so busy focusing on my own stuff to realize that by laying this all back in his own lap, just how much he is getting over it. Over all her nonsense. He's mourning the marriage and the woman that came before me, learning to deal with her in his own right. It's what I've wanted all along. I just was so busy trying to tell him what he should be feeling and doing rather than letting him process it all on his own. He needed to go thru it without concerning himself so much with me and all my insecurities. I had to allow him to stop having to make it so much about me. For it has nothing at all to do with me. I am merely the success that was lying on the other side of it all.
When all was said and done... he looked at his wife and made her promise to carry the cherished and honorable name whenever she was ready.
And she promised. 
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Comments
I'm a little confused here.
I'm a little confused here. Is this it?
You have two sons, different fathers. One has his dad's last name, and the other has your maiden name as his last name. You kept your maiden name so that your one son would have someone who shared a name with him.
That right?
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
Yes. I had my 14 year old
Yes. I had my 14 year old when I was pretty young.
Got married and had another boy who has HIS dad's last name. Never changed my name.
Got divorced and remarried.
Never wanted to change it, just because my little buddy feels left out most of the time when it comes to the family dynamic. It's important to me that he knows that he is always a part of me no matter what fella I bring into my life.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I think you've done a
I think you've done a wonderful thing by seeing the big picture here. To be able to step back and recognize things from your husband's point of view is such a valuable step in this whole process.
That was really beautiful
That was really beautiful Colorado Girl… thank you for sharing it!
My mom did exactly what you did as far as keeping my bio-dad’s last name so that it would match mine until I was safely tucked away in college. She never wanted anyone to question why my mom and I had different last names… she did it as a bond and a shield and it took many years for me to fully appreciate what a sacrifice that was. My dear step dad walked around for almost 10 years with a wife carrying her ex-husbands last name!!!
God bless you strong mothers… I’m gonna call mine right now and thank her for everything she’s done for me!!! (Oh, and she’s Mrs.StepDad these days and carries it proudly!)
And I know all too well about the emotions that arise from seeing your husbands name attached to an ex… every time I hear Mother Russia still call herself Mrs.DH or even see her name in writing I want to throw up… lucky I have my mom as a background to draw from… she’s carrying the last name of her children and so be it.
Still sucks though… I’m a jealous little moon sometimes!
I know it pisses us SM's off
I know it pisses us SM's off alot.....the BM having your husbands last name. But this shows me that it also affects the guys as well. I never thought of this............I wonder if DH hates the fact that she carries his last name? I've never asked. I always assumed it would be a pride thing, like "yeah, they are both mine" cave man kind of thing. Maybe not. Then again, I'm big on not asking questions I don't want the answer to! So maybe I just won't ask! LOL!
I'm glad you listened to him CG. You had to fight yourself back from making it something other than what it was. But you did it and you learned that your man wants to be your man, and wants you to be the only Mrs. CG's DH. That's got to feel good.
My DH actually understands
My DH actually understands that she wants to have the same last name as SS. He hates that she has it, but he gets it... and so do I. Even though I have a different last name than my daughters. My girls are close with their dad, so I am ok with it. If their dad was absent, I may have considered keeping the same last name as them.
Only thing that drives me nuts is when BM says we are "sisters" now that we have the same last name. Ugh. When I took her to have her dog put to sleep, I filled out the paper work because she was crying. Putting HER info on it, the girl watched me ask BM the dogs info (age, weight etc) then I paid, with my debit card. She must have noticed the same last names because she kept referring to BM as my sister. Oh well... such is life
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
BF is the same way, hates
BF is the same way, hates that she has his name but gets it too. I think he hates it more than he lets on though, he even asked a lawyer if there was anyway to enforce the fact that it's in the agreement that Wilda go back to her maiden name.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
In Cali you can. At the
In Cali you can. At the request of either party in the divorce, the judge will mandate a name change. DH never requested it though. That was one of the first things she said to him when he left (6 months after they married) "I am KEEPING your last name". Whatever. I am sure when she remarries her new hubby won't stand for it. NBD.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
No. This guy is just a
No. This guy is just a moron.
Perhaps it's all relative. Perhaps this all had to happen for BOTH of us to kickstart what we needed to do. I wasn't a picnic when this all began.
Once I was able to disengage from all that was them.. did I realize that I could use a little attention to myself. You know? I had to open my eyes too.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Such wisdom in your words
Such wisdom in your words CG. I am proud of you. Had this come about a few years back, this would have been a completely different blog.
Your little guy is a lucky boy to have a mom so in tune with his needs.
Love ya girl!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I have never changed my last
I have never changed my last name. Not in my first marriage, not in my second. Where I come from each person has two last names, ALWAYS...father's and mother's...period. Every document has both. Kids are used to having different last names. In US type docs, we are required to use only one last name, so in an intact family husband and kids have same last name, mom does not. Nobody cares. In blended families, there are even more last names...ie. DH's family husband has X last name, wife has Y last name, kid of both husband and wife has X last name, kids of wife only have Z last name...nobody cares...
When calling someone's home you refer to it as the "X family", ie. the husband's last name...however, individuals are called by their own last names...ie. I always called my grandfather X and my grandmother Y...still do...same with aunts...etc...
There is little confusion or identity mistakes because everyone has two last names...except again in US docs, etc...
Dr. forms say mom's TWO last names (both maiden), dad's TWO last names and kid's TWO last names, ie. dad's and mom's
But I did get angry when crazy witch had same last name as DH because she was remarried and I thought that was ridiculous...I did not want OUR son having the same last name as his ex-wife...
Are you hispanic? My best
Are you hispanic?
My best friend is Mexican and she explained that this is very common in hispanic cultures.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
I find that men seem to fall
I find that men seem to fall down on one side or the other when it comes to their feelings about their ex. Either they continue to feel unreasonably defensive and protective of them as the revered mother of their children, or they can't stand to believe they were ever attached to that person and resent everything about her having any attachment to their lives.
My DH falls down squarely on the side of wanting to wish his ex away like a bad mistake. He tried to force her to resume her maiden name upon their divorce but she refused because of SD (of course, has changed it since remarrying). In his family, all of the women that share his last name receive a special ring designed in their honor. He actually went out of his way to ensure that the ring was "returned" to him when they were divorcing because he couldnt' stand the idea of her having something so representative of his family name.
What he doesn't understand is that his ongoing hatred towards her is like another member of our family. It lives in our house and it makes me uncomfortable because she can never just go away. If he just stopped caring, THAT would be movement in the right direction.
It seems like almost
It seems like almost everyone has a different opinion about last names. My mom and dad got married when she was 18 and stayed together for 23 years. She will not go back to her maiden name because she says she had the married name for a longer portion of her life than her maiden name. Makes sense, although I disagree and think she should go back to her maiden name.
I have a friend who was married for 3 years (no children) and divorced and is keeping her ex-husband's name, even though she hates the very thought of him. I think that's odd...I would think she'd want to change it. She just had a baby with her current boyfriend and now that baby has her ex-husbands last name, which I think is even more odd. How her boyfriend must feel!
I think you did a wonderful job seeing the "big picture" as Thalia said. I can understand your husband's side of things and that he wants her ties to him to be completely severed. To me, it makes sense. But to some others it may not...
To each her own