My Aspiration to be a Surfer
Right aspiration is what develops in the mind once we understand that freedom of choice is possible. Life is going to unfold however it does: pleasant or unpleasant, disappointing or thrilling, expected or unexpected, all of the above! What a relief it would be to know that whatever wave comes along, we can ride it out with grace. If we got really good at it, we could be like surfers, delighting especially in the most complicated waves.
What Right Aspiration translates to in terms of daily action is the resolve to behave in a way that stretches the limitis of conditioned response. If I want to build big biceps, I need to use every opportunity to practice lifting weights. If I want to live in a way that is loving and generous and fearless, then I need to practice overcoming any tendency to be angry or greedy or confused. Life is a terrific gym. Every situation is an opportunity to practice. In formal Buddhist language, this is called the cultivation of nonhatred, nongreed, and nondelusion.
Sylvia Boorstein, It's Easier Than You Think
My husband's exwife is mentally disordered, more than likely manic right now and unequivocally set in her mind that my husband is not worthy of any sort of human decency. She's taken to old habits of manipulating situations to try and get what she wants along with the more petty behaviors like filling out school paperwork and putting her new husband's name in the "Father" column. My husband's responses aren't that much better by the way. He fills out his own paperwork and will very firmly circle and underline the portion that says he is divorced from the mother of his children.
I feel the storm coming. The wave if you will.
I'm practicing my breathing and even better my avoidance.
I'm letting go of outcomes and trying to focus on the kiddos which are being maddeningly thrown into the middle. The two parents can't seem to speak to each other, so as a one time deal, I mediated one morning and it calmed the storm only but a day. So now communication is going thru a 12 and 10 year old for my husband refuses to answer his phone otherwise.
I keep practicing a certain mantra that suggests that I have no control over what is going on... and whatever will be will be.
I also know that this is all some sort of necessary step in the process of things, that we all have our roles. That it all has purpose.
My own anger and own expectations have me all flustered and judgemental. And it's really pissing me off. Grace is not what I feel in this moment.
I'm afraid of what will happen. I'm afraid of someone else's hurt of someone else's actions. My fear has me all triggered up so that whenever my phone rings I'm literally praying that it will be a kind Solicitor trying to sell me something to make my life better. It's funny how that would have annoyed me two weeks ago.
I have therapy tonight. Thank goodness.
~Colorado Girl
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Comments
Thanks OldDart. Good advice.
Thanks OldDart.
Good advice.
I have charted this moodswing/storm. It starts amping up right around when school starts. Even pyschologically I can guage it... when the pit in my stomach starts accummulating mass.
She's comorbid, bipolar with a side dish of Borderline Personality Disorder. So she's a little less predictable since her emotional dysregualtion can rapidly change...along with stunted coping skills due to her hypervigilance. She's impulsive and just down right childlike when she gets like this.
I could go on and on.
Acceptance is key. It is the end all of everything, acceptance. I'm not "practicing" it very well.
Just remember, you can't fix
Just remember, you can't fix it. You can't moderate it. You can't permanently influence it. So when that old codependent demon peeks out, slam the door shut.
You're so right.
She's diagnosed with both.
She's diagnosed with both. She fits all 9 of the DSM IV criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder.
Hypervigilance is also a symptom of PTSD and isn't necessarily a red flag... I'm dx'd with PTSD and after a session of EMDR therapy become extremely hypervigilant. My "on guard" and inability to trust comes from different sources.
Just sayin'.
Also in my research, and opinion, I think BPD is a complex version of PTSD. She is rigid and her coping skills suck for the most part. She is emotionally stunted (immature) making her prone to fits... along with swinging moments of splitting individuals as "good" or "bad". My hubby is "bad" right now is all.
It's what brings ME back to ME.
I'm just trying to learn to ride the waves. Practice Acceptance of her in all her disasterous glory and lend her the compassion she deserves. All while paying attention to taking care of myself and not triggering my own need to cope effectively where sometimes I don't so well.
I don't want to waste too much of my days trying to make sense of it all, I want to slow down and listen to the crashing of the waves dagnabit... instead of trying to control the crash...
((((((OD)))))) I appreciate
((((((OD))))))
I appreciate your feedback.
There is a perfect balance between knowledge and compassion... too much knowledge and not enough compassion... and you walk around knowing a lot without truly feeling. In contrast, with too much compassion and not enough knowledge... and you are a good hearted fool.
I'm just simply trying to find that perfect balance for I've been both.
I absolutely love that image,
I absolutely love that image, ColoradoGirl!
I also meditate daily. Sometimes those mediation are more like prayers. Sometimes they are simply exercises to calm my mind. But either way, that meditation time is the most important part of my day.
I don't meditate but I am
I don't meditate but I am trying to practice mindfulness. Slow down and pay attention to what is happening in the right now.
Thanks for sharing.
I'm a "mom" to five also by the way.
"mindfulness" is so
"mindfulness" is so hard.....mostly because our minds-are-too-full.
So much business going on all around us. It's really hard to slow down and focus.
One image I use is a machine. Gears and belts are spinning all around. I try to be the center of that machine. Very still while everything else is spinning all around.
One good exercise to practice focus is to sit outdoors and find a tree with leaves to focus on. Use your eyes to slowly and deliberately trace the outline of one leave at a time. It's killer hard to do, but great for your focus!