Update and vent
Not much of an update, but in case anyone wondered SD (15) is still hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. Its been over a week now. She refuses to even talk to DH and doesn’t want to come home. She may be transferred to another facility that is less restrictive (and cheaper). I’m not sure when that will happen. I know money shouldn’t be the major concern but it is in the back of DH and my minds. This is so expensive and insurance isn’t covering everything.
This is the 3rd time SD has been hospitalized, but this is the longest and since it happened over Christmas, my parents and sister are way more aware of what happened and ask about how SD is doing. I really don’t know what to tell them. When people ask how someone is, I really don’t think they ever want to hear they aren’t doing well or not getting better. I wish SD could get some sort of medication that would fix everything, but so far the new meds they are trying hasn’t been a magic bullet. And I know everyone blames DH and thinks he’s a bad father.
Even on here a bunch of people commented that DH need to “step up as a parent”. But he spends so much of his time and energy parenting. Maybe not effectively – but he’s trying his best.
He is so frustrated that if SD would have done what she was told, we wouldn’t have to be dealing with this hospitalization. There’s been so many problems with SD and he’s been trying to step up and fix them. He’s an action oriented guy. He is incredibly organized and excels at project planning. For his job he builds detailed schedules for construction projects. He can micromanage every little detail.
For example - SD has insomnia and the doctor gave him a list of what needs to be done to help her sleep better. That’s perfect for DH. He builds the schedule. He has a list. He can fix the problem. But SD refused to cooperate. She won’t do what he tells her to do. She fought with him about everything. Then SD went back to the doctor and she’s still not sleeping and the doctor doesn’t hold her accountable, he acts like DH has failed as a dad to do everything on the list. It's his job as a dad to find some way to force SD to do things and he can't.
This is the problem DH has. Teachers and all the school staff he’s dealing with on a nearly daily basis expect a dad can just get their kid to do thing. Get her to do her homework. Stop her being disruptive in class. He spent so many hours every night trying to get her to do homework and study and trying to do things like whole sleep hygiene list, chores, basic necessities like brushing her teeth and bathing. The more he tried, the more she fought back.
Rewards, consequences, behavior charts, positive reinforcement. None of them have worked.
This is probably the best example of what we’ve been facing with SD. DH told SD to tie her shoe laces. Both of her sneakers were untied. She flat out refused. Several more times DH told her to tie her shoes or she will trip. She refused. He tried to tie her shoes for her, she physically pushed DH away.
I feel so sad for DH because he tries. He wants to be a good dad. He and SD don’t get along, but he wants the best for her and her not to end up like her mom. But she fights against him over every little thing. She won’t ever let him be right.
SD hates me. I’ve faced a lot of “You’re not my mom. You can't tell me what to do” from her. I’ve been forced to help out so things get done, but she won’t listen to me nor wants my help. DH has suggested that maybe she might respond better to me, but she’s been clear she doesn’t want me acting as a Replacement Mom.
Her mom is out of the picture and in & out of jail with drug problems. SD doesn’t have much extended family. DH’s mom lives in another state. She doesn’t have any maternal relatives involved in her life. She just has DH and me and she hates both of us.
I don't know how this situation is going to get better. I'm worried DH is throwing money away getting treatment for SD when it's not going to help or she continues to fight against DH by not getting better.
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Comments
It is not you and DH that SD
It is not you and DH that SD hates. It is her illness. It's hard to deal with...I know because I have been through it. And you all are not throwing money away....it's better than paying for her funeral.
I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but there's no telling. DH and I raised his daughter for 13 years. She is now living with her mother who is also a non-medicated bipolar....she and SD are two sick peas in a pod.
Thanks for the vote of
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
DH is worried SD goes back to her mom as soon as she turns 18 and throws her life away with drugs. SD is having so many side effects from her meds and whines about every little thing, so keeping her on the meds is going to be so difficult after 18.
That is what my SD did...no
That is what my SD did...no drugs involved, but she has thrown away a free college education and trashed our family.
All you can do is hold strong until she turns 18. It is very hard to do, but it can be done. Has your SD been diagnosed with anything yet? When they diagnosed my SD with bipolar, we went through about 6 rounds of med changes. The oldest drug in the book was the one that worked best for her (lithium). Look at the new medications and don't be afraid to speak with her doctors. You and DH know her better than anyone else, so you will be the ones to see if it's working or not. I was the med Nazi. I made her swallow in front of me, and made her lift her tongue and blocked bathroom access for about 6 months. Thought she was still taking the meds and found out later that she'd been flushing them on the advice of her therapist and her enabler boyfriend. Her bipolar flared and she was having conversations with her other self...I took that and ran with it to the psychologist. He initially did not want her back in his practice as a patient since she had been lying to him about the meds and other things, but he took her back because he was the only child psych in our area.
Stand strong. Get mad. Cry. Vent. It's a long road, but from the caring I see in your posts, you and DH will make it.
I'm so sorry that you are
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Unfortunately mental illness can all too often be like cancer. Curable most of the time - but not always.
Sometimes unfortunately there is not a "fix". My BFF and her DH (intact family) have a daughter who is bipolar. They literally have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars (which most people do not have) on treatment for her. Nothing has worked. There is no cure.
Yes, she has ODD.
Yes, she has ODD.
"It's his job as a dad to
"It's his job as a dad to find some way to force SD to do things and he can't. This is the problem DH has. Teachers and all the school staff he’s dealing with on a nearly daily basis expect a dad can just get their kid to do thing. Get her to do her homework. Stop her being disruptive in class. He spent so many hours every night trying to get her to do homework and study and trying to do things like whole sleep hygiene list, chores, basic necessities like brushing her teeth and bathing. The more he tried, the more she fought back."
I really feel for you. Like your name suggests dealing with a mentally ill person can be absolutely completely overwhelming. Outsiders who haven't had to deal with this will not understand why you just can't "force" her to do things like you can with the average teenager. It's hard to talk to others about it, and you run the risk of becoming isolated from the rest of the world. It's so hard to explain to others and it's easy to end up feeling ashamed that this is your reality.
Please know you are certainly not alone. Those of us who have mental illness in our family know how painful it is be around, and how impossible it can be to have a normal life when the person can't, or won't cooperate. Does it get better? I can only say in my case I have learned to accept the person(s) for who they are and accept that they suffer greatly as well and not take it personally.
I wish I had some great advice but unfortunately I don't. I do think it's a good thing that she is being dealt with by professionals. Something like this is not something that can be dealt with without professional help.
(((Hugs)))
One of my childhood BFFs had
One of my childhood BFFs had to be institutionalized several times and eventually his parents had him declared a ward of the State. This was a far less expensive option for them. He is now in his early 50s and is still a ward of the state and has regular Psych reviews with his state appointed Psych team. This allowed his parents to preserve their assets in order to provide for their own retirment, provide him with an improved quality of life, and preserve an estate for my friend and his younger brother and the younger brother's family.
It may be something for you and DH to consider in order to protect yourselves.
I would suggest that you contact an attorney to see what your options are.
I looked into whether putting
I looked into whether putting her in foster care was an option and was told DH would be required to pay essentially child support based on his income. So it would be expensive. The state doesn't want parents getting out of paying.
She has sensory processing
She has sensory processing disorder and that's probably been made worse since she's been having daily bouts of hives for over a year. They've switched meds and can't figure out what is causing the hives. She complains all the time about clothes being uncomfortable and it's been impossible to find school uniforms that she is comfortable in.
The meds are being switched around. I know they are trying a mood stabilizer to see if that helps.
The consequences of SD's actions are having a much bigger impact on DH than SD. He wants her to graduate from a normal high school and go to college. She says she doesn't care. It's too hard and too much work. He wants her to be able to get a job and be a productive member of society. She says she's fine being on welfare. She doesn't want to have a dead end stupid job. She has no ambitions. She knows she isn't smart enough to go to college so she thinks that means there is no future for her so her attitude is why bother?
There's been no consequences that get thru to her. She's being expelled from an alternative high school. She's lost all of her friends but doesn't care. She has no hobbies or interests. Everything is stupid to her. I can't remember the last time we had an enjoyable family experience with her. She whines and complains about everything - she's itchy, this hurts, this bothers her. There always something wrong with everything.
I don't have time to home school and DH needs to work. I know school is a problem and she is being bullied. DH doesn't want her in a special needs program but that's where she'll end up. She had the potential to be in regular classes but she has completely given up because she doesn't want to put forth the effort.
My SD-31 was adopted by
My SD-31 was adopted by SO/late wife at age 10 from foster care. Older brother already doing life for murder. Drug/alcohol/PTSD. She moved in with a loving, devout family who took her to counselors and doctors constantly. Late wife worried about consequences for behavior since child had been through so much; SO was excited, then disappointed and at a complete loss of how to parent this type of child (pleasant avoidance). SD ran off, prego at 15, gave SO baby at 16 since she didn't want to be a mother and SO raised SGD-13 til she was 8.
SD-31 is a convicted felon, violent assault of a police officer. She self-proclaims bipolar, depression, anxiety but needs her fix of pot every day. ARGH. Anyway, SD-31 was kicked out of 2 traditional high schools and 2 alternative high schools. She has her GED? (Perhaps). Abandoned 3 children through the years and is living in/out of her car. Prostitution is a word that SO hates, but I have no idea how you get money for cigarettes, pot, & roof/board after having only one job for 3 months at Subway in 4 years. Every list of "Jobs for Felons in NM" and "Safe Houses for Domestic Abuse," and "In=patient mental health/drug facilities" just falls on deaf ears at this time.
In my mind, SO and late wife sucked as parents to this child. Out of their "pay grade." They probably would have been great with SD's children (the grandkids). Social worker confided a year after adoption that she so hoped that their adoption of this girl saved the next generation. FFS.
What I mean to say is that battling mental illness, pervasive developmental delays and alphabet soup is exhausting for the family. You just can't joust against that particular dragon and feel like a hero.
I home schooled my son for 4th grade --- kid couldn't read, systematically promoted and punished. I would not want to home school this girl as you have described her. Perhaps if you could fold back time, quit your job, get your Masters in Psychology and Education you might have a chance.
I think that you and your DH are over your heads. "Out-of-your-paygrade." DH needs to let go of his fantasy and focus on the reality. Your SD has given up at 15 and that is so sad. In an alternative reality, she may have been able to live the life he depicts. SD-15 may need support through programs and homes long after you all are off into retirement. My SD-31 is smart enough to function but there is an essential "hitch-in-her-getta-long," and SO is learning to just let go.
DH may need some help releasing his fantasies/dreams/expectations for this daughter. I went through this myself, my kidlet, my only surviving egg, has delays, "troubles," and will perhaps never achieve the intellectual heights, educational successes that I expected. Passing grades and not winding up at the cop shop, is a good thing some years. SO has already told me that if I die, BS-15 will have food/shelter/essential kindness, but that he does not know how to support BS-15 in the manner that I do. Okay.
Best of luck to you.
Segued on the response to you
Segued on the response to you a bit, sorry.
Aside: SGD-13 was in psychiatric and then an extended program for 10 days this Fall. No matter how brilliant a program is, I just don't see how 10 days will fix much of anything. My opinion is more that biodad/SM are too lazy/broke to pay the Medicaid copay to fill her anxiety/depression/ADD meds. Okay, then we can launch into the 'medicating for behavior' speech. Sigh.