Contacting S-Kids At The "Other House" How would you feel?
I have a SD that is 12 yrs old. She has had a cell phone at BM's house since she was 9 but we would not allow her to bring it to our home as we believed she was too young. Recently, however, we agreed that she was getting old enough to have one and agreed to allow her to start bringing it.
My issue is that BM contacts her constantly while she is with us. We have them two weeks on/two weeks off in the summer and BM has contacted SD every day. She sends SD photos of thing that she has bought them since they got to our house and asks her to share the photos with her younger sister (7 yrs). Texts her saying things like "I miss you like crazy" and "do you miss me", etc. Sends photos of the things the kids are "missing" by being at our house. Texts to tell SD when her half brother or sister have gotten in trouble, etc.
I am very upset by all the texting. We text SD very seldom when she is with BM because we believe that BM's time is her time to bond with the kids. Out of respect for BM we only check in periodically (maybe twice a week to say hi or congratulate her on her ball game). I feel like BM is making it hard for the kids to get settled in at our house. How would you feel/what would you do?
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IDK. This is tough for me.
IDK. This is tough for me. My dd is 13 and she is away at camp right now. I text her daily. I text her when she stays the night at a friends. Not repeatedly for hours mind you-but I certainly do check in with her. I just told her this morning that I missed her-she's been gone since Wednesday. I am not much on taking pics and sending them-I just dont do that in general-but I guess some people do.
Texting seems to be the main way kids communicate anymore. i dont think it is wrong for her to want to communicate with her daughter while she is in your home-I like to communicate with my dd no matter where she is. Perhaps what you can do is set rules/time limits,etc-No texting at the dinner table, no texting on family outings, no texting before 8am or after 8pm. There is a lot you can do to limit the amount of time she texts. Get her active and doing things and she will forget all about texting.
I think the difference here
I think the difference here is though... that when the kids are at the other parents house, they are with their PARENT. Not a friends parent or camp counselor. So if they are with their parent, there should be no need to check in with them, unless the other parent is completely stupid and can't properly care for their own child. And in her case, the BM is taunting them with what they are "missing out on" while they are at their other home. That IMO is PAS.
I would also text and check in while kids are at camp or friends houses... but not when they are at their dad's house.
We have the same issue with
We have the same issue with SD14. She texts 24/7...not just to her BM but even her friends. Its never ending and it's annoying.
The rule in our home is no cell phone at dinner. Period.
If we are doing family time or an activity as a family no cell phone.
If BM is using the cell phone to interfere with dads time then I would tell BM (not SD) that I consider it interference and if she does not stop with the intrusive texting then the rule of no cell phone period will return...but that SD will be informed that it is because BM is texting inappropriately. Your SD is old enough to understand. You can even say "How would your Bm like it if when you were with her we texted you about everything we do and everything your missing". SD will agree that she wouldnt like it and your case will be made. Make it clear that it's BM's choice and BM's actions that will be the deciding factor regarding the cell phone rule.
If BM persists no cell phone. Period. Unfortunate but necissary.
We have the same issue. BM
We have the same issue. BM has behaved as if SD who is 8 is going to be traumitized being away from her. Let me say first, they divorced when SD was 3 months old. My DH has always had her 3 days a week until we got married, now its every other weekend, BM choice. She bought her a cell phone before her summer visit began but we did not allow it to come here. She is just to young. BM through a fit in front of the child and yelled at my DH saying he would suffer the consiquences. She mails her EVERY day and calls every night. The calls are fine he calls her every night for good night also. My SD has been in counciling since she was 5. I just dont agree with this enabling.
Ss got his phone at a young
Ss got his phone at a young age too. When ss would stay 30 days in the summer with us (mostly me as dh works) it never bothered me if she called him or texted him nonstop all day. I figured if it were me, I'd probably call each night or text sometimes too. It did bother dh though. What DID bother us more though, was when bm texted ss things she bought him or what they did and what he missed 'because he was at his dad's.' communication is fine, but when you start trying to guilt your kid for being with the other parent, then that's wrong. I would address it. Or have dh address it to both bm (if tou think she'll be receptive) but at least to your sd. My ss is 13 and this doesn't happen anymore. But if it did I'd explain that bm knows when ss is going to be with dad and if he is missing anything then it isn't dad's fault because bm knew ahead of time when ss was going to be gone. Dh used to tell ss that he was sorry bm sent him a picture of the new motorcycle grandpa bought him but this was his time and ss was going to have to wait til he got home to ride it because that was he schedule/rules. (bm used to try to get ss to ask to come home early by taunting him with pics of gifts the bought him.) I would also limit phone usage. There's no reason a kid needs access to their phone ALL day. Make a rule as to when the phone can come on and when it needs to be turned off. Also, my dh 'hides' ss cell. Ss forgets about it sometimes so when he happens to put it on the counter, dh sneaks it away and 'puts it up so the kids don't get it' (our excuse anyway). He usually doesn't ask for it but if/when he does, dh gives him an excuse to why he had it then gives it to him. But that's usually after a day of dh hiding it.
I don't see this as a
I don't see this as a problem. I, too, text and call my daughters while they are at their dad's for the summer. He texts and calls them daily when they are with me. We, as parents, have already created a division in their lives. Why would we want or expect our children to interact with only the parent that currently has visitation? If her parents were still married, she would interact with both of them on a daily basis (most likely) and that is healthy.
It wouldn't bother me at all.
It wouldn't bother me at all. Who am I to tell a mom when she can talk to her children? As long as they aren't tying up my phone (house or cell), I say call/text all you want.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between talking to your children in a "I'm glad your doing well/having fun, I miss you and will see you soon" capacity and going out of your way to interfere with the parent whom they are with's time.
Calling and telling them what they are missing out on, gifts they could have if only they would not dare go to that other parents house, acting like you cant breathe your next breath without them and you are just so miserable that they arent there with you.
These tactics are alienating, manipulative, and disturbing. When this is the case then boundries and limitation on availability of calls and texts are necissary.
The kid is 12. There is no
The kid is 12. There is no reason for her mom to call her EVERY DAY. This split custody thing isn't new, and it's not a 12 year old girl's responsibility to emotionally prop up an adult, especially her own mother.
I'd go ahead and put the cell phone up and let BM know what is a good time to call maybe twice a week. Any other time that she called, I'd let it go to voicemail, and let the texts go unanswered, except one text to let her know-SD is participating in a family activity-talk to ya later! and that would be it.
SS13 has a cell phone and his mom is allowed to text him on it because we're custodial, and honestly, she isn't disruptive with it. In fact, she often blows him off when he texts her. Sad.
BM2 wanted us to get a cell for SD8, but for one she's way to young, and also we knew BM2 would be disruptive and inappropriate with it, so it's not happening. I'll consider it in middle school, but even then, there will be a lot of restrictions on the constant mommy umbilical. If she wanted to be a mom, she could have had custody, but since I'm raising the kid full time, I don't need her daily influence messing up the little good the kid has going for her. And actually, when BM2 DOES call, SD doesn't really want to talk. She hates using the phone and would rather just see ya when she sees ya. She doesn't miss her mom when she's here. She sees her 3 weekends a month.
How come there is no reason
How come there is no reason for a 12 year old girl to talk to her mom every day? I talk to my dd every day-by phone, text, or in person. That's actually how it was designed-kids have two parents that they see daily. I think it is sorta a burden when they are younger to have to assit them with the phone, etc-but when they get to be adolescents I dont really think it is right to tell them they are not ALLOWED to speak to a parent (unless there is abuse). I also think we are way too sensitive sometimes about the normal things bms do. Lots of us bms tell our kids we miss them when they are aware for even a day. Heck, I'm not gonna lie sometimes I miss my kids when I am work during the day and when i do i will text them or call. I cant imagine my dh or god bless my exdh's wifey telling me I cant talk to my own kids and that it is wrong and I am trying to guilt them by saying I miss them. One time when my dd was gone i sent her a picture of some kitten we got. I wasnt trying to make her feel bad-actually I see my child as part of my daily life and I was sharing something about our daily life while she was a way.
Now if she is texting and saying what a vile bitch yor are or devising ways to murder you and your family while you sleep-then yes, I could certainly understand where that would be inappropriate communication. But not-I love you bunches, miss you a whole lot, and we got a new toy and ate at Olive Garden today. That's just day to day life stuff. And if your sd was really traumatized by this texting she is certainly old enough to either let bm know herself, or just not respond back.
Thanks for the input,
Thanks for the input, everyone. I feel the same way most of you do. I dont mind her contacting SD at all and would not be bothered in the least if I felt the interaction was appropriate. Unfortunately, I feel as though she isnt allowing the kids to settle in with their father without having the daily worry of what they are missing out on in the other house. And the "do you miss me texts"...Jesus, who is he adult here?