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Shared Friends..........How Do You Feel?

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 10:26am

I'm not sure if I am overreacting or if I have a valid problem. I'm curious to know if anybody shares any friends or acquainances with the biomom? Since biomom lives so close to us, stepson friend base is pretty much the same at both houses.

My husband and I are very uncomfortable with stepson's friends from our neighborhood going over to biomom's house. It just feels like an invasion of our privacy. I feel like I wouldn't be able to talk openly to any of our friends, neighbors or acquaintances that associated with biomom. You know, kind of like they would be discussing us or if we got something new or whatever. Or biomom could pump them for info.

This has come up because biomom invited one of stepson's friends to her house for his birthday party that she had, that had already come to the party at our house. Now it seems like this friend's mother is buddying up with biomom. This woman's son is on stepson's soccer team. At the game yesterday I was really getting uncomfortable. The woman was sitting by me and another soccer mom, but talking to and tending to biomom's 2 year old (the one that has her ex-boyfriend as a father, not my husband).

I don't want to seem mean or petty but now I feel really funny about this woman. I mean with all that I know about biomom, what she has done and how she is, I just don't know how I should react to this woman. I know that I have talked to this woman about some things that I might not want biomom to know. Not recently but years ago. Now I feel like she is going to tell biomom everything that I have said. So should I adopt the attitude that you can't trust anyone? I would really hate to do that.

The only reason that I can think of that this is happening is because this woman has just recently been divorced and she may feel somewhat of a bond with biomom now. I don't know. Maybe she thinks that we are supporting her ex-husband because my husband has custody and she feels threatened. Maybe I am just grasping at straws.

I just feel like biomom is trying to horn in on our life again and using stepson and his friends as the leverage. I wish that biomom could just find her own friends!!!

Dawn

Comments

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 11:31am

We share acquaintances…not friends…my husband’s best friend from childhood’s wife is friendly with the 6 year old’s mom…that is how they met. I say friendly b/c I think that the wife has since figured out how much of a nut job she is (mind you it was the friends’ wife who called my husband and told him Mom B was having the baby b/c Mom B checked into the hospital under an assumed name b/c her WACKO MOTHER told her that if my husband had anything to do with the baby, she would put her out of the house…mind you Mom B was 33 years old at the time!!!) I digress….so yeah, they are still associates (Mom B and best friend’s wife) and my husband is of course still friends with his best friend…we socialize as couples sometimes…I’m okay with it b/c they know the deal with her…don’t sweat it…she will eventually show her spots and the kids’ moms will know the truth about what kind of person she is! Regarding her sharing information…all it will do is piss biomom off more and more to find out little pieces of your life “oh they went on vacation to XYZ…they just got a new XYZ…” no one in their right mind wants to keep hearing that so if she tries to get info from them it serves her right!

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 11:49am

I do not think that I could be friends with my husbands friends he had with his ex wife.. I would feel very awkward. I mean c'mon we are all human and talk about people.. SO I would just feel like they would be sitting there talking about me. Its hard enough going into his family after there 20 year relationship. And that was hard enough but I finally told them all what I think.. Except for his mom who has pictures of her up still. I don't like that but its not my house.
I know I feel uncomfrotable just when the SD says stuff like oh you remember so and so well me and mom rean into her or them.. I can't stand it.
SO no-way are you being petty. Noone likes there laundry dished and epecially not to the ex.
Does your husband understanad your feelings?
Besides that you are right you will never be able to trust her. Put yourself in her shoes and really think about what you would do.. YOu may never intentionally say anything but you could possibly..
I would just be civil and nice but very distant and when or if she ever ask why the sudden distance I would be very straight forward..

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 12:44pm

I'm not sure if my husband understands my feelings or not. He thinks that I over react a lot.
I think that he kind of understands but feels that people have to make their own decisions and we can't do anything about it.
To me, however, it feels like my privacy is being violated.
I don't want to make enemies or validate anything bad that biomom is most likely saying about me by being too distant. I don't know but I will definately choose my words very carefully when talking to this woman from now on (which in not fun).

Dawn

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 4:00pm

I wouldn't worry too much about how others may interpret your behaviour or what they may think. You know how you are feeling and if your gut instinct is saying something doesn't feel right...pay attention to that.

SMIT's picture

Submitted by SMIT on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 12:47pm

Hmmm... do you KNOW you can trust this woman who's becoming a friend of both yours and biomom's? I usually feel like, "You can never have too many friends" but this is clearly making you uncomfortable. And I totally understand not wanting anything you tell someone IN CONFIDENCE getting back to biomom.

If it were me, I guess I'd consider my history with the mother of SS's friend... how long have we been friends? Have we been through a lot together and helped each other out through thick and thin? Or is this just some chick I barely know? What does my gut tell me?

So, I wish you the best of luck. I guess stay friendly, but not TOO open!

Allyceson's picture

Submitted by Allyceson on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 1:39pm

One of the reasons my husband and I moved out of state was to put as much distance between us as possible. The situation you're describing is one that I dreaded if we stayed. Some people are made for manipulating others and the ex in our situation was one. She's always the victim and you can never be sure what she's said to other's and how much of it they believe. It's sad, but so many people seem to want to believe whatever negative things they are told about others. I would keep information sharing limited to people you know you can trust and brush up on small talk with aquaintances.

ACopsWife's picture

Submitted by ACopsWife on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 2:42pm

If they were GOOD friends before you came into the picture, you probably cant trust her. My DH's ex and I have no mutual friends. She doesnt have many friends, and the ones she has, Id never be friends with anyway. Not even, if i hadnt married my husband. If by chance, i do speak to someone who likes her, i never tell my personal business to them. If someone wants to talk about someone else then they will, no amount of niceness will change that!! I'd probably just be nice, but never offer any information, or give it. Its a hard situation to be in, good luck Smile

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 2:45pm

My ss biomom is extremely dysfunctional, and part psycho. Now my dh is a twin to his sister, which before we got married, she and I were close. Then she experienced a divorce, became a bitter single mother, and when we were getting married, dh sister did and said some unmendable things to me before, during and after our wedding.

A couple years go by, I'm still very distant from dh sister, but now she is best friends with my dh ex psychotic girlfriend!!! My dh and I have shared a lot of the miserable moments with the sister describing the dumb things the ex does and says, and she use to just hate the ex..but now a sudden change of hearts they are now best friends.

The sister tells everyone that dh's ex gf is family to her. Hows that for some dysfunction? Dh's sister will go out of her way, miss work even, to do inappropriate favors for the ex gf, but if we ask for a favor (which is really rare) suddenly we owe her big time. My poor ss just is surrounded by such dysfunction, I just don't see how he has any hope for not being the wt he is surrounded by.

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Mon, 08/21/2006 - 8:02pm

I wouldn't talk to biomom's friends about your personal problems at all. You'll never know what info will be shared to others. It's safer that way. It might feel uncomforable if you've already shared some info to them. Otherwise, I think frienship with those people are okay without having to share your personal info to them and just keep conversation w/general topics.

I too feel uncomfortable that ex wife talks to my parents in law when she goes and drops off & pick up stepson from their house after watching them. My parents in law are nice to her and whatevers.
-happy mom