Perhaps this is a clarification.....
I thought maybe I should give a bit of my history.. As of yesterdays..mess.. A lot of posters come on and give a little preview of their relationship so others better understand.. This may be long, but if ur interested, go ahead 
I have known BF for a few years.. A little over a year ago BF and I started talking much more often.. We were both going thru a hard time. He was an amazing friend, and actually listened to me and was there for me.. Quite the gentlemen. I knew he and his BM were splitting.. He moved out and BM filed. He had known BM was cheating, with multiple ppl, but didn't want to leave his kids.. I helped him thru a lot of issues and gave advice. Bf and I began spending a lot of time together and becoming closer. A few months in, BF was confused from BMs drama and keeping the kids from him.. I ended up leaving BF, and we didn't talk for a week. After that, BF contacted me and asked to see me.. He told me he had been confused, missed his kids very much, and made a mistake. He did not want to be with BM, and he loved me, and wanted to be with me. After a few months of being back together, he introduced me to his children, which has been a blessing to me. I love them dearly. A couple months after, BF moved in, and the kids were so excited to have rooms at our home. The kids love being at our house, and never want to leave. I have no issues with them at all, they are wonderful children. BM continued her craziness all the way along, as she still does. For about a month or so, BM and I tried to be friends, that didn't work, which sucks, but I still love the kids with all my heart, and act appropriate towards their mother, for THEM. BM has a BF and he is at her house everyday, the kids adore him. BM goes behind my back (or tries to) and behind her BFs back, and tries to talk to my BF.. Flirt with him and so on. She degrades me nearly everyday and tries to stir drama (as sometimes she succeeds when me and BF are at the verge of craziness ourselves) I believe every couple in this situation has their fair share of bumps in the road. I also believe this is what makes me and my BF so strong.. We work thru it. I have stood strong by his side this whole time. Its not easy at times, no.. But I do it. I love him, and everything about him.. If that means he has an ex wife and kids, so be it.. Its a part of him. BF has stood my my side thru my major sugery and my many changes and emotions.. My loss of loved ones and challanges at work and much more. He is an amzing man. I haven't been this happy in a very long time. I feel as if a void I once had, is filled. And that void is filled by the love from my BF and his children. This is the life I want. And when you want something, you may have to fight sometimes to get it. I have no fear that BF will ever return to his ex.. Sure I get jealous feelings cause they had a past and 3 beautiful children. That's something I'm working on dealing with. And the fact I can now talk to BF about it, that's a great feeling.. Just want to clear the air on my situation for anyone confused.. No hard feelings.. I am very happily in love
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Blendedfam, I didn't add that
Blendedfam, I didn't add that after I left BF that night (and this is crucial lol) that when he left I called BM.. Yep, and said ask anything you want and I will tell you.. Maybe I was crazy but I was pissed lol.. And I didn't care at that point. Well BM actually opened up and told me A lot about their problems (I'm a good listener lol) well BM and I were actually talking via phone and texts that whole week me and BF were apart.. Long story, but BM was upset cause BF didn't want to stay at "their home" he stayed at his brothers the whole week, except the first night he was there(at BMs), he slept on the couch!!! Yep, didn't wanna sleep with BM.. He just wanted to see his kids.. She would tell me how mean he was to her, didn't wanna really see her.. So wow.. I'm thinking.. And after he came back and wanted ME, it took time, it wasn't an easy decision. The postive to me talking to BM that week, was she opened up to me and trusted me.. So then when she found out BF came back to me, she was livid.. And said they slept together every day that week LOL ok.. So at that point I cut off any and all communication with BM.. And she didn't try to talk to me up until a couple months ago. And believe me, my BF doesn't want her back. Yes I'm working on insecurites cause of his past "confusions" and who knows if they ever slept together, personally I don't wanna know. He lives with me, and brought his kids into my life, which he wouldn't NOT have done if he were staying with her. The divorce was supposed to be final already, we are now waiting on her bankruptcy to be done so it can be final.. BM wants BF back, he doesn't want her... Does that help clarify lol??
I'm an "overlapper" too!
I'm an "overlapper" too!
Where the time was sparse in between and lots of issues were brought into our own relationship. Even a moment in time where I think my husband was torn as to the direction he was going.
Makes it really hard and makes the struggle a different breed.
I feel your pain.
...lol..."overlapper". I like
...lol..."overlapper". I like that term.
I am one as well, along with him not being certain in the beginning if he should go back "for the kids" it is just a seed of mistrust that sometimes can grow out of control...like a weed. It sneaks up sometimes when I least expect it.
seed of mistrust that
seed of mistrust that sometimes can grow out of control...like a weed.
...seed of doubt for me.
I trust that he always loved me. He gets to have loved her too. It was me realizing that HIS choice EITHER way was hardly a reflection of me... or her.
I'm just really glad he picked me.
yes, definitely doubt. I
yes, definitely doubt. I changed that sentence 4 times because I couldn't find the right word..that's the word.
Thank you. I hope now you
Thank you. I hope now you both can see why I may have some insecurities.. I have been thru a lot with BF, and maybe sometimes in the back of my mind I worry he will go back to her. All my friends who know everything (positives and negatives) say I'm crazy for thinking that... And there is really no signs he wants to be with her. He showers me with love everyday.. Its just that stupid insecurity I have, so yes maybe that's my downfall.. I've also been hurt a lot by people once I open my heart.. I know he loves me, and does so much for me.. And I just have to work on "trust" and its odd cause I know we wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole... But the creepy thoughts still cross my mind every now and again.. And maybe its because BM tries sooo hard to get his attention, that's what drives me nuts lol
My best advice is to work on
My best advice is to work on you. Do that which will make you feel pretty, feel lovable (not to be confused with feeling loved cause that's up to others)... learn to trust by tackling it as your issue... and stop fretting over some dumb lady.
Big hugs.
CGirl, how do I work on this
CGirl, how do I work on this issue? This is something that eats at me... "Why do I let BM get to me?" My BF has no desire to be with her, I know that, BM knows that... So why do I let her games get to me? I try so friggin hard not too... I try to "let it roll of my back" but most times I can't. I think I try so hard to have BF stand up for himself, cause he won't.. BFs family, mainly his parents and brother can't stand the fact that he "let's BM walk all over him" and he doesn't stand up for himself.. And cause I love him, I want to do that.. CG, I am happy, I just need to know how I can start learning to deal with BM and let her not bother me and get under my skin...
Why can't you stand that she
Why can't you stand that she "walks all over him"?
Really and truly?
Maybe I shouldn't comment on
Maybe I shouldn't comment on this because I can't really relate since I have no BM issues (thank GOD - 'cause I definitely have others!), but I just wanted to say that I do think it is great the lengths that some of you who have BM issues have gone to to extend the olive branch!
According to my H and my observations, my SDs BMs aren't very good mothers, so seeing as I pride myself on being a good mother we could probably never be friends, but other than that I have no reason to dislike them or feel insecure around them, but I can see where I might if I were in your situations.
Haha, no it not that I can't
Haha, no it not that I can't walk all over him.. That is not my desire. CG it bothers me so much, cause I see how much it bothers BF.. I see the anger he has for BM, the pain he feels when we are dropping the kids off at BMs and when we pull away he looks at me and says it hurts to leave them there with her.. This breaks my heart. I love him, and I don't want him hurting... And when BM maniuplates him and gives him guilt trips to get what she wants, it urks me so bad.. When BF is hurting, I'm hurting.. And he says daily how happy I make him.. And that makes me happy
But he is a good man, and no matter how vile that woman is too him, its not in his heart to treat her badly in return. And you think the vicious woman would see that and not treat him like a pile of crap... I mean, her kids are young, and they already see what she is like...
Well my sweet friend... you
Well my sweet friend... you are what we call an enabler.
(And a little bit codependent... don't freak out, we are all codependent in our own ways)
Your BF needs to figure out his own dance with the devil and you need to be not so attached to his feelings.
You are sharing in his frustration and his load has now become bearable. He won't ever change with a bearable load... well, because it's bearable. It must become unbearable before he will put a stop to what she brings to the table.
My husband is in a very complex relationship with his ex. It's one that is built on each trying to manipulate the other to get the outcome that each wants.
Instead of "enabling" the frustration he feels by helping him put out all the fires she starts, I handed over my bucket of water and called uncle. I validate the frustration "wow she IS a bitch" and ask him "well, what are you going to do about it?"
He's a terribly smart man and boy was I silly to ever think that he couldn't handle his own shit without me yapping in his ear.
He's the one that made a decision to procreate with a very difficult person. I can't change that and I'm not going to be pissed off over something that I have not a chance of controlling.
It sometimes takes an act of defiance in order to induce change.
I get a right not to deal with a crazy person, I'm also allowed to tell him to handle his own shit because it's too hard for me. It was my own thoughts of believing that if I STOPPED doing all those things for him, he would stop loving me... that fed my resentment.
I needed to have faith in my marriage. I needed to have faith in my husband. I needed to have faith that I was worth fighting for. I needed to let go of whatever the outcome was and start living my life based on meeting my own needs rather than trying to mold the world around me and all the people in it to fit my needs.
It was all the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I've lead quite the life.
There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires. ~ Nelson Mandela
"It sometimes takes an act of
"It sometimes takes an act of defiance in order to induce change."
I'm a bit confused on this one...lol. But what you said makes a lot of sence!! Thank you.. I'm trying to work on it.. Bit by bit a little each day.. I will let u know how it works.. Thanks CG
"It sometimes takes an act of
"It sometimes takes an act of defiance in order to induce change."
You're dealing with all of this the only way you know how. The reason I say an "act of defiance" is because you have to openly go against not only what you are used to doing, but what is expected of you.
Your BF wants you to take on this burden FOR him. He wants you to be there for him so he can deal with her. You are not helping him, you are hindering him.
That is not your burden to bear.
My act of defiance was not conforming to what my husband expected me to be (i.e. his sounding board and the grand enabler of his victimhood). I simply couldn't be who he wanted without a complete sacrafice of myself.. and that he was wrong in expecting me to .. and I was wrong for ever letting him think that it was OK to expect it of me...
....and and it took me realizing that in order to change my outlook.
Make sense?