Update to SS's Wii issue

Original post: http://www.steptalk.org/node/38215

So, last night, after I get home and dad is out of the room, out of the blue SS points out a pretty bad mark/bruise on his arm... the shape of BSs mouth. Crap. He said BS bit him. I'm like, 'When?'. He says "this morning". I'm like wait a minute, BS said you guys got into a fight and I asked both of you what happened and neither one mentioned anything physical!

Physical fighting is a big no-no. They both should have gotten in big trouble. They are told to keep their hands off each other. Anyways, as I'm getting the story, dad walks in and learns there was an altercation. Dad and I now get the whole story from both boys...

When SS said BS couldn't play the Wii (BSs game on SS's console that was turned into the 'Family' console), BS went and hid SS's iPod and then told SS he did it. SS came after BS and started punching him. BS, in what I would consider self defense since SS attacked first, bit SS, HARD. SS let go and the two separated.

What did dad do? Reiterated that the Wii is to be shared by all. That if SS wants to play the 'mine' game, then guess what, the tv is OURS. SS said then he would just go play on the tv in HIS room. Dad reminded him that that tv is also OURS. Further, what if BS wanted to watch a movie on the tv in THEIR shared room? Who then gets the tv? It is absolutely necessary to share. There was no reason for SS not to share the WIi console since he wasn't playing at the time and it was BS's game.

Dad instructed him that he does not dictate who and when can play the Wii. Period. It's OUR house.

That all said, earlier in the day when I posted my original blog, I went on ebay, found a good deal on a Wii and bid on it. The bid was about to end when I got home and I told DH what I was doing. He asked where I was going to get the money from. I said idk. I was about to be outbid and DH said, let it go. Don't get it. I was 19 minutes away from a new Wii! Dangit!

So, my attempt to resolve the situation and be able to give SS his Wii back was thwarted. I will continue to let DH know it's the right thing. I think he knows but he's stingy with money when he doesn't think it's necessary (yet just got a new $1300 bicycle!). I just don't think he's particulary bothered by the fact that HE took SS's Wii away and made it a family Wii even though he agreed it was wrong. I know... whatever.

As soon as we have extra money, I WILL get another family Wii and give SS his Wii back.

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You are trying hon ok. I told

You are trying hon ok. I told this story to my dh and he said that yep you should buy a new one so ss can have his back. I would do it for any kid that saved up his money and bought it himself. I just think that the tv in the room an be shared.

When my ss comes he shares a room with my son and they always hook up his xbox when he gets here they both play it and they share. The tv in their room is my sons but the xbox is ss's so they share them both!

You're right. I'll make sure

You're right. I'll make sure to tell BS to punch SS back instead of bite next time }:)

I would do this if my boys

I would do this if my boys fought like that and I have done this. Your ss hit your son and your bit him so your son already 'punished' ss so your son should he in trouble for biting instead of coming to you and telling you that ss hit him. In my house hold it doesn;t matter who did what but if they didn't come to me or dh but instead they retaliated with hitting or whatever they got in trouble. Now IF they do come to us with out hitting or anything back then the kid that hit will be trouble. So what I'm saying is that yes I think your son should be in trouble for biting. just the way I would handle it.

I'll be honest. I would be

I'll be honest. I would be LIVID if one of my kids had come home from their dad's with a black and blue bite mark. I would mad enough not to send them back and risk whatever happened in court. It would be different if we were talking about two or three year olds. But didn't you say the kids were five? Sorry, but a five year old is way, way, way too old to bite.

Actually, I just looked at

Actually, I just looked at the original post...are you saying that your 11 year old bit him?

In my opinion, they should

In my opinion, they should both be punished. I wouldn't tolerate fighting of any kind. It doesn't really matter who hit who first, they both fought. They should BOTH be taught that fighting doesn't solve anything. All you are teaching them is whoever comes to you first and says the other one started it, won't get in trouble. Then you will never know who told the truth. Now you have set the precedence. SS stepped up and admitted that he hit your BS first and now he is in trouble, but your BS is not. So now, he isn't going to be as truthful to you next time.

I read your last post as well. I didn't think that you were favoring your BS in that post, but I definitely think you are favoring him in this post. If you don't start treating them equally (i.e. punishment for fighting, wii, etc) then you aren't going to stand a chance at blending families and it is going to be a tough road ahead of you.

Agreed regardless of what

Agreed regardless of what they do with the wii, both children should be disciplined ESP her son for biting but she keeps defending her son and blaming her ss who her and her husband basically stole from and she refuses to try to see it from ss's side even though that doesn't give ss the right to misbehave. I sure hope ss has some adult in his corner somewhere, she's raising her ss to have resentments and rightfully so. But I think she comes here to vent about him even existing and she doesn't want advice. She takes responsibly for nothing and blames husband and skid while her and her kid are innocent or others caused them to act wrong

I agree with this. ^^^ I

I agree with this. ^^^ I thought the very same thing when reading this update.

since your biter is

since your biter is determined to get that wii no matter what, it doesn't make sense to punish ss further. and it was wrong to take his property from him. it teaches him that no matter what he works for, someone else can take it and he has no power.

wow, kind of like what bm does with the child support.

i think the issue should be.....since we don't agree....NOBODY plays wii until we get a family wii......it is the only FAIR solution.

you have to respect that he bought that with his own money. if it was your car and someone just took it...you'd be pissed.

Exactly. They should both be

Exactly. They should both be punished for fighting. For those of you that would be livid if your kid came back from the other parents with a bite mark-you'd probably look pretty stupid when you found it that it was your child that started the physical altercation. Not saying that excuses the biting-but the ss punched first and to get all pissy at the other kid for biting him is not right. Both of them were wrong with the physical alteration. But as the above poster said-fighting over video games is super common amongst all kids. I just put the video games up if my kids fight over them.

That would make sense,

That would make sense, hismineandours...except that we are talking about a Wii that her stepson bought with his own money. It was his wii. They bought games for her bio son. And he didn't even have a Wii. I think her stepson should be encouraged to share. But not forced to share something he purchased.

And yes...I would be beyond LIVID if a freakin' 11 year old bit my child. That's not even normal. 11 year old kids don't bite for heavens sake. Hit? Wrestle? Punch? Smack? ....Of course. Three of my five are boys. I know boys fight. But 2 years old bite. Not middle school kids. Hell, I don't even know any kindergartners who bite.

I also re-read your original

I also re-read your original blog and you got mad because SS "retaliated" to your BS by not letting him play the Wii. Well, isn't BS biting SS in retaliation to SS hitting him? Retaliation is retaliation and if you are going to punish one child for it you HAVE to punish the other child.

I agree with Butter on this one, that you yourself are raising your SS with resentments. If I were you, I would take a step back and really look at what you are doing and saying. You said that you try to treat the boys as fairly as you can, yet you aren't. You are punishing your SS for one thing and are NOT punishing BS for doing the exact same thing.

SS was wrong in his actions and should be punished, but BS was wrong and should be punished as well.

Yep - I am raising SS with

Yep - I am raising SS with resentments. I am resentful because
- I see SS more than I see my BS.
- I rarely get alone time with my BS
- I don't do things with just my BS because I don't want alone time with SS. If I did that wouldn't be 'fair'.
- I have been expected to love this child as my own when I don't feel it.
- I have had to make up for what he is not getting emotionally from his own bio-parents
- I have had to make up for everything he's never had
- I have to completely be a mother to this child that I didn't know I would need to be because BM is basically non-existent except for the glorious EOW and dad is oblivious in his own little world most of the time
- I can't step in and have the same expectation of this child as I do my own because "he wasn't raised like that'
- I can't step in and have the same expectations of this child because dad doesn't agree with these expecations.
- I can't afford the things I used to do with my BS because I can't afford to do it for both boys.
- BM doesn't help whatsoever in the financial aspects of raising her son.
- I am expected to give up MY vacation time to watch SS when there is no school when my BS isn't home.

I didn't know I would feel like this. I didn't know how hard it would be to love another child I did not give birth to nor see bond with as a young child. I thought I would easily grow into the role. I thought I could do it. I'm failing I know. It breaks my heart that I can't do better. I want to. But I would also be happy if I didn't have to be a mother to this child.

Yeah, I know, others have it worse. Maybe my issues are petty. I should thank my lucky stars he's a pretty good kid... and all the things that he does... like lying, wasting food, school problems, giving me attitude, creating messes and arguing with me are all just 'normal kid stuff'... except that I didn't have to deal with these things at all with BS, or at least to the degree that I get from SS and maybe I'm just hypersenstive dealing with this shit from a child that is not my own.

I do understand where you are

I do understand where you are coming, but I don't thnk you realize that DH and BM are to blame (not SS) for most, if not all, of the problems you listed. I think your anger is misdirected towards SS when in all actuality these issues should be taken up with your DH and not your SS.

1.) It isn't your SS's fault that you see him more than you see your BS-that is beyond his control

2 and 3.) I think both you and your husband need to make time for both of yall to spend time with your kids alone-You and BS go to the par while DH and SS go to a game (or whatever)

4.) DH shouldn't put the unrealistic expectation on you that you should love SS as your own; seeing as your are NOT his mom.

5 and 6.) I don't know if you feel the need to make up for SS's bio-parents or if your DH expects you to do that, but reality is...it is not your job to pick up the slack for the bio-parents. The bio-parents should be fully responsible for the well being of their own child.

7.) DH needs to wake up out of his fantasy world and parent HIS child. Period.

8 and 9.) Again, the double-edged sword of stepparenting, DH cannot expect you to take over being SS's mom, but then reel you in when it comes to discipline/expectations.

10 and 11.) SS is not your financial responsiblity either.

12.) You are SS's babysitter. DH needs to figure out arrangements for his son while you are on vacation.

Please talk to your DH about these things or maybe even get into counselling. It sounds like your resentments toward your DH are being projected onto your SS and I am sure that is hurtful to him and can cause damaging effects. Also, you are being treated like a doormat. Once DH gets his act in line, I'm sure your attitude towards your SS will change seeing as everything you have listed above for your grievances towards your SS are really grievances towards your DH.

I don't think you are failing. Noone is perfect and everyone needs room for improvement. The key thing missing here is your DH as a parent and as a husband. How can you be expected to exceed at being a stepmom when your DH won't support you? This is his child-not yours. I don't mean any of this in a negative way, so please don't take it that way.

This is a really good post,

This is a really good post, FNW. ^^^

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Update to SS's Wii issue

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