Coming in late.
I love SO's kids. One of the hardest things is that they were already old enough when I met them that they are working on independence. SO's daughter really warmed up to be this past summer. She is now ok cuddling with me, getting hugs and kisses good night, ect. SO's youngest is a preschooler who seemed to love me from moment on. So now both of them are comfortable with me being around but they don't need me.
SO's oldest is at that age where we're starting to let her do things on her own. I drop her off at the library for some event / class and she doesn't want me hovering. Understandable but I didn't get to do this stuff with her when she was younger. Now I'm being kicked out when I just want to see her happy and enjoy doing stuff. I want to watch her learn and create, she wants independence.
SO's little on is more clingy but as such we're trying to build him up. He falls down and he want's to stay on my lap for hours. After a quick check if he's fine, a hug, and MAYBE 5 minutes of undivided attention it's time for him to move on and go play but I don't want to let him go.
I know this stuff is hard for biological parents too. On top of it I'm not their mother. I never did get to hold them when they were babies and so on. I'm coming in late and as much as I want to hold them and keep them little as the good adult I have to help them grow.
I don't know how to explain this but I can't be the only one. SO and I talk about having a child at least 3+ years from now. I can't wait to get to do all this stuff with them that I didn't get to do with SO's kids. Till then I'm doing my best to balance wanting to be involved and waiting to help them grow which means hanging back and pushing them out of their comfort zones.
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You sound like a wonderful,
You sound like a wonderful, warm and nurturing person.
These are normal feelings even as a birth parent. Kids change and grow so fast and you are absolutely right, as parents it is our role to be supportive and help them grow. Keep doing what you're doing, sounds like you're doing a great job.
When I see pics of SS that I
When I see pics of SS that I took 4 years ago and look at him now i get that "just stay little" pang. They change so much so fast. He will be 13 in a few months, but he still will fight his sister off to sneak in a cuddle or two on occasion. Of course we have to remind him to tone it down a bit, because now before you know it you'll end up underneith him because he just doesn't realize how big he's gotten and just how much bigger he is than me now (I'm usually the one stuck under him somehow).
But yeah, it's a thing.
Best way I describe all this
Best way I describe all this to DH is that sometimes it just feels like I’ve somehow missed out on half my life. Lol. Idk how else to describe it, I love the Skids, and I’m a full time parent (when I’m not at work, lol) and sometimes I just sit there and think about how I missed SO much.
Way to be so caring and loving! I know sometimes that an sting a bit too.!
I do think you are a
I do think you are a kind-hearted person who wants what is best for your steps and your SO.
I want to offer a bit of advice, and another bitter pill you'll have to swallow: Make sure your SO gets to do these things with his kids. I'm not saying step back because you shouldn't be this engaged. I'm saying your SO is missing a lot of his kids' growing up, and while you want to savor it, too, make sure he gets first dibs.
I say this from experience. It breaks my heart when I ask DH about something with the boys when they were younger and DH doesn't have an answer. He doesn't know if the kids believed in Santa because BM kept the kids from him around the holidays and only gave him time when presents were involved for her and them.
My DH made some mistakes that are biting him now and hurt. He knows that he missed a lot and should have fought harder to be present in their lives (though to be fair, it has only been in the last 3-5 years in Anti-Canada where Dads were seen as parents and not just ATMs). Make sure that in your haste to love them and be a parental figure to then that you don't accidently push him away from his kids.
Please note that I'm not accusing you of doing that. However, the reason above is one of the reasons I have suggested you step back a bit and let him do some of this on his own. Sometimes less engagement is a healthy, proactive choice that supports a parent even when the kids and our partners are great and loving. I understand wanting kids and wanting to be a parent right now. I understand the pain. Just please keep in mind that even small, mundane parenting tasks that you cherish are also cherished by your SO, so let him do as many of those things as possible.
Again, I think your heart is in right place. I think you are a good person. I think you're trying your best. Just be mindful in your involvement.
SO does engage with his kids
SO does engage with his kids and has a positive relationship. I come in to find him napping in the living room and the kids asleep on top or next to him. He does story time with them, and they get a hug and kiss from both of us each night. We all go to the park together and he is quick to help them out in relation to sports and such. He's just as quick to make sure they are safe and helps take care of them fully besides just bringing home a pay check.
I do understand and appreciate the advice. I grew up with a father who was not involved even though he and my mom were together and we all lived together. I refuse to date someone like that.