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More a mom than their mom

eforest2000's picture

Submitted by eforest2000 on Thu, 09/26/2013 - 9:26pm

Sometimes I feel like that. The skids BM usually cancels last minute. Yesterday she was working late, today again- working late. For some reason, she never figures out whether she is working late until about 2 minutes prior to when she is supposed to get the kids (ie right before school's out).

Now I often work 12+ hour days and this is not an excuse to not take care of your kids. If she is indeed working late, in theory the kids would go to her empty house, she'd come home and take care of them when shes done at work. She works a job that does not go super late. Instead the kids come to our empty house (well, we do have dogs, but you get the point) and we come home when we're done with work ( and I ACTUALLY work late sometimes past 10 pm) and whomever gets home first helps with dinner, homework, etc. Its not easy- everythings super hectic.

When I get home before 8, I tutor SD10 because she got behind in school during the ugly divorce and the ensuing conflict) and make sure she's all set in terms of school supplies (the other day she needed a poster board, I ordered a bunch of books for her because there are virtually no books in our house), and that she is done with her homework. I also work with her on the basics (ie times tables) and whatnot as she is behind. SD12 usually doesn't request help, but sometimes wants me to read over her homework.

Its hard that I'm NOT the mother and no matter what I do, or what she does, I will never be the biological mom. I will not be the one the teacher calls. I feel a little weird around the real moms in our community too. I feel like I don't fit in with them and have trouble telling them apart. They are all fit, they all seem to have tastefully dyed blond hair, and they are all very well dressed. And they all seem like they are best friends.

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I.Just.Live.Here's picture

Submitted by I.Just.Live.Here on Thu, 09/26/2013 - 9:48pm

Oh, I know that feeling! My favorite is the looks they give you when they find out that you're 'just the stepmom'. I stopped telling them. If something comes up where I HAVE to tell them, then I do but I make it very clear that I am the one they talk to, not BM. It also helps that BM is 2500 miles away and has an ever changing phone number. We actually just established care at the pediatrician and the only reason I mentioned it was because they needed past family medical history for SS4, I just told her that BM wasn't in the picture and she wasn't likely to offer up any information any time soon.

Onewillfullstepmom's picture

Submitted by Onewillfullstepmom on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 2:40pm

I hear ya!

I have been with my SD4 since she was born. BM works graveyards and my DH works really long hours, like 70 hour work weeks. I work as a lot as well, but when BM is too tired or needs a BF day, SD4 is with me. Going through the terrible 2 phase with a child thatisn't yours and none of the parents are around to help is STRESSFUL!!! She eventually started going to daycare a few times a week, where the teachers would ask me any number of questions about which one of us was BM, and how they couldn't keep us straight (even though, thank God we look nothing alike) whenever I would tell them I am stepmommy, there would be this look... of....I don't k now how to explain it, but there was judgment. I am the one who has been trying to teach her discipline, and numbers and such. I was the one making sure she had clothes that fit, that she was clean and in bed by a certain time, that she actually ate her food, and for a very long time, she only wanted BM. It is hurtful that any time something happens in their lives BM gets the call, any times she does anything well, BM gets the credit.

It's hard, but it gets easier, I can even laugh it off now most of the time, when I day care asks "which one are you?" and then asks me questions about BM's appearance... Hang in there!