How much help do you give your college-aged kid?
DH and BM went back to court when SD was 15, and both were ordered to pay 1/3 of SD's college costs up until she turns 21. DH has been doing this and more faithfully ever since, but SD20 totally takes advantage of it in my opinion. For example, she buys books at full price rather than used, then DH feels sorry for her and pays his 1/3 plus her 1/3. There were two books alone this semester at $225 a pop! Or she decided to take summer school classes and HAD to live in the dorms to do that, despite her college being in the same town as both BM and BM's mom. Cost to live in the dorms was $1000. DH paid $500.
So now I have said it is time for SD20 to get more responsible, and part of that involves moving out of the dorms and getting her own place. But DH will not put any terms on this, so I am afraid SD will end up in a luxury apartment alone (she has a hard time getting along with others), and DH will feel he HAS to help her pay for it. When I moved out of the dorms, it was so I could find cheaper acommodation, and I paid for it myself.
How much "help" do you give your college-aged kid? I think he is not doing her (or us) any favors by continuing to baby her. He thinks he has to give her as much help as possible while she is in college. We cannot seem to reach a middle ground. I'd like to know how much others do and, if they do a lot, how they justify it. Thank you!
P.S. When I brought up the fact that the court order ends at 21, he indicated he plans to continue to pay until she graduates. When I asked when that would be, he didn't know. I'm pretty sure SD20 is on the five year plus plan, and DH has no clue.
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SD has lived in this town
SD has lived in this town since she was 15, it has many low-cost areas that are not dangerous. I am afraid she will move into a luxury building because she has set up the expectation that she NEEDS more than everyone else. DH will feel sorry for her and pay whatever, she knows that. I think college is the time where children grow from being dependent on mom and dad (during high school) to being independent (by the time they graduate). An apartment is a good step on the way to this independence. Her dorms are quite expensive, I am sure moving out will save money in the end. All our money is joint, and most of the money going toward SD's college was saved by DH and myself jointly. We have been married since SD was 8, and DH lost his well-paying job when she was 8 and I have been the primary breadwinner ever since. I think I have some say in how OUR money is spent. I also have encouraged him to discuss this with her, but he never wants to rock the boat. He has NO idea when she might be looking at potential graduation.
My DD went away to college
My DD went away to college for tow years, (other two were done at home) and I paid her cell phone and car insurance. She paid EVERYTHING else.
My DS lives at home while in college now. I pay his cell bill and 1/2 of his insurance and that is it. (except for food and stuff at home).
If I was REALLY rich, I would help a little more. I could help more now, but I am not going to stress my budget or make my retirement less, when it is to easy for them to take out loans and pay their own way.
Keepitsimplestupid, that's
Keepitsimplestupid, that's the problem. You and I know SD20 can get the books way cheaper, but that would involve work on her part. It's much easier to just walk into the bookstore, order them and have daddy and mommy pay. Her self-worth is absolutely wrapped up in how much people spend on her. She has no common sense to see that if less is spent on books, more is available to spend elsewhere.
None of ours are close to
None of ours are close to college, but I can tell you what my parents did. I lived at home for 1.5 yrs, in the dorm for 1 semester, in apartments for two years, bought a house my last year. I took out student loans for tuition, books, and expenses (borrowed too much and could kick myself now). I worked 2 part time jobs at one point, then a full time job later on. I paid for rent, bills, groceries, and gas. If I came up a little short, my parents would help me, but I ALWAYS paid them back. They did help with the house until I graduated. Wish I hadn't bought it, though. I lost it when the recession hit. No matter what, I learned to be incredibly independent, and I learned a lot of good and some very hard lessons. I wouldn't have it any other way, though. My parents raised me from day one to be independent. They have always been there to help me when needed, but only because I worked my a$$ off and did my best to make it work without their help. If I am asking for help, they know it must be tight. BTW, I took 18-19 hours of classes almost every semester on top of working, and graduated with a 3.5 GPA. I'm telling you that to show that college kids can work, go to class, and still make good grades. It is the partying that goes away, which is a good thing. Oh, and I was an only child. My parents could have paid for most everything with my college expenses, but what would I have learned? Not a damn thing.
As for your SD, DH should let her know that he will only pay 1/3 of expenses at the cheapest available price. Meaning, the price of a USED book, unless there are only new books available. Only pay 1/3 of a low cost apartment (one that is safe), and she must get a roommate, which lowers the 1/3 even more. She must work at least part time. Anything beyond books, tuition, and rent should be on her unless CO says otherwise. I would flip if my DH tried this with skids. I wouldn't do this with my own son. He is not doing her any favors. Plus, what happens when she is on her own and can't manage her money because her dad allowed her to live the high life without paying for it? Will he bail her out then, too?
yes
yes