O/T: Should a 9 year old have to get themselves ready
What is your opinion about expecting a 9 year old to get completely ready for school in the morning with no adult assistance?
Found out DH, who transports BD9 to school in the morning, doesn't help her AT ALL. As a result, no hair brushed, no teeth brushed, no breakfast. I think this is too much. He just sits there like a lump until it is time to leave, says it is completely her job to get ready. I think he could help her a bit, like aid with breakfast or even let her know what is available to eat. Opinions?
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Yes, I have explained to her
Yes, I have explained to her the importance of brushing her hair and teeth every morning and she is getting better about that. But she looks homeless when I pick her up from daycare in the evenings if she doesn't brush her hair :jawdrop:
My 8 year old daughter get's
My 8 year old daughter get's herself 95% ready. The 5% I do is put her hair in a pony tail. She even tries that but hasn't mastered smoothing her hair in to a neat pony. She takes her vitamins I set out and assists me each afternoon by putting out her uniform, packing her school bag and picking her lunch items. All I do is a cursory check in the mornings. This is to make sure no contraband is smuggled.
Your H is right.
Point taken. I don't expect
Point taken. I don't expect him to do FOR her, but do you say nothing to your daughter the entire time you are there and just walk out the door and expect her to be ready? I even give my 12 year old a heads up 15 minutes before we leave so she knows to wrap things up, eat breakfast if she hasn't, etc.
I helped her at age 7 to get
I helped her at age 7 to get a routine in place. By age 8 she was self sufficient. I check. I don't have to hag or follow her around.
Edited to add: I make her lunches when it's sandwiches. She packs the rest. I don't even prep her breakfast. Admittedly hers are fruit, yoghurt and muffin/ hot cross bun/ cereal/ breakfast bars.
They know what we teach them.
They know what we teach them.
It's our own BD!!! But he's
It's our own BD!!! But he's been the one with her in the mornings for the past three years, I try to emphasize what she needs to do and give her tools, but if DH isn't even monitoring or helping at all, how is she supposed to learn?
I totally get it because of
I totally get it because of the double standard had this been SD we are talking about he would have spoon fed her into her teens.
It would be great if he would step up and supervise before going out thedoor but we know that won't happen
I think the issue here is he
I think the issue here is he has not helped her learn how to do all these things (I leave an hour before them in the morning to get to work), he just expects her to do them in a vacuum. She has no list or anything like that and absolutely NO help from him. She and I spend time talking about what she needs to do in the morning, but I wish he could help her just a bit. Like remind her to brush her hair if she's about to walk out the door looking homeless. She can do that on the way to school.
DD turned 10 in December. I
DD turned 10 in December. I expect her to get herself ready for school without help, but she requires prompting, like brush your hair and eat breakfast. I used to make her breakfast, but I'm having to leave before her now, so DH makes sure she eats something before they hit the road.
It sounds like your DH is slacking.
Same ^^^ SD10 gets herself
Same ^^^
SD10 gets herself ready, kinda.
Her hair is usually not brushed, just pulled back, clothes dont match and she sometimes takes a LONG time to eat, but for the most part can watch the clock and get to the bus on time, but needs help reminding hair and teeth.
Yes, I think that's the
Yes, I think that's the thing. He's either still in bed or napping in a chair, there is nobody to even tell her it's almost time to leave. She does get her stuff together herself, get dressed, etc.
Yes, she is capable of doing
Yes, she is capable of doing all these things but they are not getting done, I am not there to monitor but DH is, he just chooses not to. I guess I will put together a checklist and tools for her, DH can't parent his way out of a paper bag.
She was doing better at this when she was 6 and I had to get her up really early in the morning and take her to daycare. :O
Yes, I think the challenge is
Yes, I think the challenge is DH hasn't taught her any of this and I am not home when she's getting ready, so... I will just have to train her in the evenings and expect her to take this on.
Try weekend trial runs for
Try weekend trial runs for practice.
Leave a small sign by bathroom mirror with reminders until she gets the routine.
Leave her with kid friendly breakfast food to self fix/eat with a kitchen note reminder. Example, cuties in fridge with milk, the muffins we made together Sunday evening are blah blah.
Set her an alarm to go off ten minutes before leave time as you take off to give her heads up time running out.
She can do this. You know she can. Just give her a bit of help getting it organized and down pat. It won't be long before the reminder notes can come down.
That's the thing, he won't
That's the thing, he won't supervise. When I brought this up with him he said, "She'd better be ready to walk out the door at 8 am." That's it. He doesn't intend to help her at all.
also agree.
also agree.
He takes out the trash, does
He takes out the trash, does that count? It's a difficult situation, he's on medication for a mental issue. He didn't used to be like this, it is definitely getting worse with time.
I understand. Part of me is
I understand. Part of me is probably afraid that if we divorce, he will get unsupervised access to the kids and then I cannot monitor or moderate.
BINGO! And that's a big
BINGO! And that's a big problem.
Yes, I think I will do the
Yes, I think I will do the list. I don't think she needs to be babied, I just think a bit of adult supervision (since he's sitting right there) is not out of line.
Yes, I guess I'm just
Yes, I guess I'm just frustrated because if I'd known this was the situation I could have dealt with it (working with BD9) long ago. She's been dealing with this in silence for quite some time, and I'm sure it's been frustrating for her (unnecessarily so).
BD9 and I discussed this last
BD9 and I discussed this last night and yes, she agreed she should wake up earlier so I can help her more in the short amount of time I can be there to help her. She is by no means unwilling, she just hasn't been helped by DH at ALL
We started implementing this
We started implementing this morning. I do almost everything around our house, I am not exaggerating, so finding out there's yet another way he is NOT sharing the load just chaps my as$
I guess my only option here,
I guess my only option here, since the adult can't be expected to step up, is to get BD9 to do so. It's just difficult because I'm not there in the morning to walk her through any of this stuff, I expected DH to do that but he is not, so...
I will try the checklist idea. She can be very responsible, she just needs direction.
BD12's school starts an hour
BD12's school starts an hour before BD9's, I take BD12 by school on my way to work. I would wake up at 4 am if needed to take care of my kids, it's just I don't want to wake HER up at that time. I'm going to have to teach/train her myself. I don't baby the kids, BD12 was getting up with her own alarm in kindergarten, but I taught her how to do that. I don't think BD9 should be expected to learn in a vacuum and I didn't realize how hands off he was with her in the morning until she said something to me last night.
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the child and their maturity level, but, IMHO, most 8-year-olds require some prompting and almost all require monitoring. My DS 8 is fairly responsible, but I have to tell him (mainly to keep him moving because we are on a tight morning schedule) to keep moving, brush his teeth, put on his shoes, etc. I ALSO have to tell my 14 year-old DS the same, and remind him even more, or he would miss the bus. On the other hand, I have a friend whose 4 year-old DD is EXTREMELY self-sufficient and responsible (this friend is constantly joking/telling stories about how this little girl is more of a mother to her infant than SHE is.) In fact, just last week, the 4 year old noticed the trash can was full, pulled it out, took it out to the trash can and got out a new bag and replaced it, all without being asked!! So, yes, I think if her 4 year-old is not already completely taking care of herself in the morning, she will be soon. In fact, I expect she'll soon be doing laundry, dishes, balancing the checkbook, etc! lol. Since she does this, should we consider it the norm? ha ha ha!
Yes, I still remind my 12
Yes, I still remind my 12 year old of the time because she's off in la la land most mornings. She's completely self-sufficient but being on time is not her forte.
Mornings are rough in our
Mornings are rough in our house. I start work from home at 5am, an hour before anyone else gets up. I have to continue to work through the chaos, so DH has to handle all 4 by himself. I took 2 weeks and got up at 4am so I take a break at 6 and could help DH establish a morning routine for the kids.
SD10 and SS9 have checklists in the mornings. We had lots of issues with mornings, but it only took about 2 weeks of DH reminding them to check off their lists in the mornings before they got it down. Now they get ready all by themselves but speed is an issue. We're still working on that. SD10 may find herself walking to school if she doesn't get it together soon.
I think you are right that the key is that she wasn't taught. The kids are capable, but they have to be taught. BS3 has his own (picture) checklist to get ready in the mornings that we have just started. Go Potty, Get Dressed, Brush Teeth, Brush Hair are his do-by-self chores. I'll put his clean clothes in a special basket for him the night before (or in the morning before DH wakes him ;)) He's about 30/70 on actually doing it since most of DH's energy gets spent on the older kids dawdling and DH finds it easier to just do it for BS3. Because of that on the one day a week I get him ready, it's a struggle for him to do his self-care chores.
Your BD9 is capable, but it seems like either your DH will need to step up or you will have to teach her yourself. What does your DH say about it?
He says he will not help, I
He says he will not help, I need to tell her to be ready to leave the house at 8 am. That is all. So of course I will have to take this over (training her) as well. So he can do more of nothing
Blegh! I'm sorry Elizabeth.
Blegh! I'm sorry Elizabeth. Then the best thing for your daughter is for you to take it on. Do you have an ipod/cd player where you could make her a playlist with reminders for where she should be and when? For example have 5 minutes of classical for getting dressed, then maybe the Hairbrush Song from Veggie Tales for Brushing her hair, then a two minute song for teeth brushing (something upbeat or related to teeth). Then have a different style of music for making her lunch/eating breakfast etc. And put a LOUD BLARING KLAXON at the ten minutes to departure time. Then play something that she likes for her final getting ready phase.
It'd be a personal get-ready-for-the-day soundtrack!
Hell at damn 16 years old, I
Hell at damn 16 years old, I had to be nagged by my mother before school to eat breakfast, drink my juice, take vitamin etc. Yes, I could dress myself and do my hair.. but the rest no.
I don't understand how your DH can look at his 8 year old daughter with snarly hair, not brushed teeth and NO breakfast and either a. be oblivious or b. just not care??
Is it THAT difficult for the man to simply say "Hey DD, did you brush your teeth?" "Hey DD, did you get some breakfast?"
My routine with BS6 is- he gets up, I ask him what he wants for breakfast and get it for him. I go upstairs to finish getting ready, when he is done eating he comes upstairs and I fix his hair, help him get dressed and tell him to brush his teeth. It's really not that difficult, he has never been late and has NEVER left the house without eating for pete's sake!!
I want to smack your DH, multiple times
At that age, so when I was 9
At that age, so when I was 9 and my sister was 7 we had to get up and get our own breakfast, have our stuff packed and walk to the bus stop on our own. We managed. Instead of asking him to change his expectations of her, which in my opinion are reasonable, you should be asking her why she's not getting herself ready properly. Maybe an earlier bedtime will help her be better rested to get it all done in the morning?
As I said above, he's never
As I said above, he's never taught her what to do, it's hard to hold someone to standards that were never explained to them. She will get up and get things together fine, if she has some guidance. I'm just going to handle it myself.
Is there any chance that by
Is there any chance that by actually getting her up when you get up, your husband might feel a little bit ashamed of his lack of effort and be stirred to actually do something? What if you just told him, without any additional commentary to make him feel defensive 'BD will be getting up with me now; she needs some basic supervision in the mornings." And then just leave it at that.
Otherwise, you have a lot of great suggestions here. I would make a little list, do some practice in the evenings and set a 10 minute warning alarm.
Also your husband sounds like a f*cktard.
I can try... But I already
I can try... But I already get her up in the morning before I leave, he doesn't even check on her, just rolls around at 8 pm and expects her to ready and waiting.
Then it's time for an honest
Then it's time for an honest conversation with DD.
"Listen kiddo, your Dad just isn't going to be any help you in the morning. I wish you could have a little bit of help but it's not going to happen. So you get to be super grown up and help me come up with a plan to make sure you get everything done! Look at what a little lady you are!!!"
Then reward when she does a good job.
If your husband absolutely refuses to be a dad then she's just going to have to start adjusting to that. She's not 5, she's 9. Make it into a fun thing for her to do.
I see where you are on this.
I see where you are on this. In fact, I did tell her that for every day I pick her up at daycare and her hair is not brushed or her teeth are not brushed, no television that night.
No, but I can always tell
No, but I can always tell when I pick her up at night that it was not brushed that morning. I say, "Did you brush your hair this morning?" "No mom." "I can tell!"
I kind of agree with this,
I kind of agree with this, although I wouldn't start right with punishment. No electronics in the morning, yes definitely if she's having trouble staying in motion and being ready on time.
But yeah, at 9 she should be able to brush her teeth and hair without any prompting. If you do a few practice runs and she's still just not getting it done, barring any other medical issues that might be affecting her attention or energy then yeah, she's playing you.
Well, it's been covered
Well, it's been covered already.
SD9, 10 in one week, gets herself up (loves her alarm clock), gets dressed and gets her stuff for school all packed and ready, and if she has karate she'll get that karate kit ready too.
DP does not supervise unless she's not upstairs ready to eat by about 15 min before they leave.
I leave first and I disengaged from the process, because:
* DP doesn't do anything but now, since I stopped, makes her an elaborate breakfast. There's no teaching her to make her own breakfast at all, not even toast.
* DP packs her lunch. There's no teaching her to do this, even though SD12 started doing her own lunch at age 10.
* He doesn't make sure she brushes her teeth (I suspect she doesn't in the mornings, but she does at night). Yes, she tends to have one or two cavities a year.
* He doesn't make sure her hair is orderly (she has curly hair, like mine funny enough, and it's not really brushable, but it can be made orderly with the comb).
* He doesn't make sure she's wearing clean clothes. She can wear the same socks for DAYS and shirt for DAYS even though they are filthy.
* There's no checking her fingernails, which are constantly caked with black dirt. It's gross.
To be fair NEITHER DP OR BM have taught either SD anything about keeping clean, bathing, taking care of themselves. I've never met two girls LESS interested in hygiene or their own bodies. SD10 won't even look at a "my body" book DP bought her. She asked me recently about pimples and I informed her what they are and how to prevent them (knowing SD12 was listening in the background, but I don't hold my breath either one will ever wash their face)...even though it's also in the damn book.
So I get your pain. And if it was my daughter I'd be alllllll over it.
I would suggest a checklist for her too, and ramifications, but that's already been said.
Good luck, I think she'll be fine with you.
i dont mean to sound ignorant
i dont mean to sound ignorant about this, liz, but you keep saying your dh hasnt taught her. i know i have not raised any kids of my own, so i may be biased. my question is, what is there to teach that's not already learned by the age of 4 or 5? and a large # of those abilities are not taught by instruction but simply by mimicking what's been seen. no one taught us how to brush our hair, we watched in the mirror while dad did it when we were toddlers. no one taught us how to make a bowl of cereal, we'd seen it done hundreds of times and could do it ourselves when we were tall enough to step on the stool.
i know you have issues with your dh, but i dont really have any second thoughts about his expectations from her. at 9, if she doesnt care to run a brush through her hair, that's kinda on her IMHO.
If you knew my DD9. She's a
If you knew my DD9. She's a great kid but practicality is not her strong suit. He's been the only one home with her in the mornings for several years now. I will get this fixed.
Yes, I agree. Show her the
Yes, I agree. Show her the specifics once or twice (hair can be tough if it's long), come up with a fun way to motivate, like a list. Give her the heads up that dad is incommunicado in the mornings and move on. 9 really is old enough to do this on her own.
So we started working on this
So we started working on this immediately when I picked her up from daycare yesterday. Two more things I want to point out:
1. Yesterday her dad never got up to take her to school. BD9 finally had to wake him up and ask if he was taking her.
2. Last time I was out of town for work, she was late to school two of the three days because he didn't get out of bed in time.
Elizabeth, this must be so
Elizabeth, this must be so frustrating for you.
At night before she goes to bed have her:
-Pick out her outfit for the next day.
-Pack up backpack and put it by the door.
-Have her pack her lunch for the next day.
In the morning have a list for her, I did this for the boys and had it framed on their dressers and they used a dry erase maker to cross items off in the morning. List items were limited to:
Wash face/brush teeth
Get dressed
comb hair
Make bed
Put lunch in backpack
Can you call her in the morning to make sure she's on task?
I know it's a pain but it may help her if she knows your checking up on her. I know you shouldn't have to but you've already established your DH is slacking off.
~BettyRay