My partner went up to spend the day with his kids on Father's Day. I tagged along, because I wanted to hang out with him in the car (it's about 5 hours in car all told) and I also wanted to see an art exhibition near where his kids live. The plan was to get kids, hang out with them a bit, go to lunch and then I'd go to the exhibition on my own and then we'd meet up after. 

When we arrive, I saw my OSS and for the first time (ever?) he doesn't look happy to see me. Hmmm... we get on well, so I'm not sure what's going down. BM is FROSTY and says the kids need to be back over an hour before the agreed time. Errrr...no - why? Apparently OSS needs to pack for a residential week away which leaves the next morning. 

BM doesn't even speak to me. Fine. But the mood is weird. They give my partner his father's day gifts (she never normally arranges this at all and so I had gone to get father's day cards with them, but oh well.) She says "Do you have something to tell your father?" He says "no" and she gives him a hard stare and then says "It's up to you..." 

We find out that the reason he hasn't yet packed is that she's taken them out in the morning and OSS is due to cook dinner for all of them that night (he is 12) so that won't leave him time to pack. It's not my call to say what her kids' chores are at her house, but she's not allowed to make him ask for less time with his dad in order to do something he could have done at other times. I personally do not agree that a 12 yr old should be responsible for making dinner, but on the other hand I do not give my BS11 enough chores. 

OSS is in a mood all day. To be fair to him, he's well behaved, a good kid, and other than needling YSS more than he should have and just generally being a bit sad, he didn't cause any real problems. My SO and I both had to call him on it a few times, but he didn't kick back when reminded he shouldn't be harassing his brother. I go to my show, they hang out the three of them and we head back to BM's. On the way back to the car, I tell my SO to go ahead with OSS and I'll hang out with YSS so they can talk. It's revealed that OSS has something he wants to tell his dad in private in his room at his mother's. OK, so I wait in the car. 

OSS hands dad a note which says that he's sad because he doesn't have a father in his life most of the time. The note is written in very formal language and also says "my emotions are tearing my family apart". Eh? What 12 yr old boy has the self-awareness to say that even if true? (And I don't think it is). 

The proposal is that his dad call him twice a week. Cool The other proposal is that my SO goes up to their home town on NOT his weekends and spends the day and evening at BM's house - but that she will go elsewhere - as part of the problem has always been that he doesnt have anywhere to take them especially when the weather is not good. This is England, so that's not an uncommon occurrence. It's also hell of a long way (five hours at least round trip) and right now our non-kid weekends are taken up with preparing my house for sale so we can all move in to one place in the city where we live. The other issue is that this time would be OSS time only. This means that he'd get even less time with YSS overall. BM is 'favouriting' YSS (9) right now - which isn't healthy for OSS or YSS. 

This just happens to be after he's told BM that she cannot schedule activities on his weekends regularly because he needs the whole weekend with them at his home. I'm certain she's not going to allow these one day visits without wanting a day from his weekend time - it's basically a big manipulation to get what she wants. 

BM was very emotionally abusive during their marriage and from what I've seen and from what SO has said and things I've picked up from the kids - she is now to the kids, too. She seems to use them for emotional support in a way that's beyond their years (esp OSS).  She demands that OSS brings her cups of tea in bed at the weekend, going up two flights of stairs. When he asked one time why YSS didn't have to bring them, she threw a massive fit and then threw not one but two cups of hot tea across the room when he relented and brought her the tea. 

SO feels guilty he's left them in this situation, but at the time he felt he didn't want to uproot them to a new city and away from their friends, and there's basically no way that he can gain legal custody of them now (I know this is true because the same is true for me and my BS - even though my ex has major problems and is emotionally abusive, too - at least I have my son more time with me than with ex though.)  He feels certain that the wording of this note is not what OSS would have come up with himself as it felt 'too articulate' and asked if I agreed. I had to say I've only known OSS for a year and he is a very articulate kid, and though it didn't sound like him but I can't say for sure. I don't think he has the emotional intelligence to believe that his 'emotions are tearing my family apart' - I do believe at least that bit has come straight from BM. 

I really don't know what can be done. And I'm not sure what's the best way to support my SO through this. He wants me to talk to OSS. I don't mind doing this - and I want to be an extra adult resource for both SSs, but I don't want to put OSS into a position where has to choose me over his mother - I can only imagine how badly that would blow back on him. Basically the plan is to make sure he can move down to live with us at some point - e.g. last two years of school.