I am still completely torn on even communicating with the SD to explain things. Her bio mom didn't say boo-shit and I don't want to be as cold hearted as that. On the other hand, I'm not sure it would matter...or if I even care to do one more thing in a line of endless things for the SD.

I don't want to offer her an explanation out of guilt or even obligation. I may sound like a bitch here, but I don't feel guilty. I thought I would, honestly, but I don't.

No, I am thinking of doing this to kind of ensure that it never gets thrown in my face that I didn't try hard enough, stay long enough, love big enough, and in the end....walk away respectfully enough. Basically, it would shut the "D"H up, and it would quiet any horrible voice in my head at a later time from saying, "Wow! You didn't even say goodbye."

Arg. Stupid emotions and feelings.

Anyway, I've decided that *IF* I do this, it'll be in a letter. I have also decided that I have to say at least four things clearly. Those are:

1. It isn't all her fault.
2. She did not help the situation, and she has to want to work on herself to have a good life later on.
3. Her father and I disagreed over what was best, and we did that fighting because we cared so much about her future.
4. I am too confused and hurt and worried to handle the situation anymore.

I'm unsure if I'll say that number 4 is because I "ran out of patience" or because "it was all too much".

I guess I am stuck wondering how to walk the line and do the dance of "vague, yet to the point".

I also wonder why the hell I give a damn about closure for 2 people who didn't seem to give a damn about me. It infuriates me that I even care that the "D"H threw it in my face that I am leaving. I shouldn't care. I mean, isn't it just another ploy? Isn't just a way to make me feel like crap so I won't do this?

I mean this is putting him out BIG TIME. Yes, I know it also hurts him because he loves me in his own way...but really, I wonder what is bugging him more: that I refuse to stay and be a family, or that I am no longer a built-in ANYTHING for them.

It's INSANE, really. He actually thinks that his kid can do all that she has, and I should stay around because it's just a part of being a parent. Not only that, but I should stay and work more when nothing else has worked, and then work more on top of that because it's my job. AND TO TOP THAT OFF? I am supposed to believe it when he says I am her real parent and he would NEVER stand in my way of raising her, as long as what I decide doesn't get in the way of his fucking pride or his idea of what is right, or his stubborn bullshit stupidity when it comes to ignoring what is going on.

ARG THEY ARE JUST BROKEN AND I DIDN'T DO THE BREAKING!

They have all this emotional baggage AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T PACK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*long sigh*

Oops. Sorry. That came out of nowhere.

OK, OK. If you have any suggested sentences or points I can make in my letter, feel free to share them. I'd love that since I am too close to the situation to see correctly.

When I finally write it out (IF I do), I'll post it so you guys can give me a critique...if you don't mind.

Thanks again....you guys rock my socks.