Do those words fit with the tune of the original happy b_day song? *shrug*

Well, to start with the good stuff....late on the 27th (my bday is actually the 28th), my ExH and boys went shopping for me. I got some DVD's, some Twizzler's (Mmmmm....), and an oscillating fan (which in Texas during summer is so, so good to have. In fact, everyone needs 2 per room, lol). OH, they also got me a card which read something about a fairy which spreads aging dust...then you open it and there are a bunch of sound effects...essentially she was zapped by on those bug lights? I thought it was cute.

Plus, it was thoughtful. I needed that. It's nice to feel that I matter. It's wonderful to feel loved...and even nicer to be shown I am. Ya know? G*d bless my kiddos and my ex.

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This has been a trying, scary, painful, exhausting, ridiculous, esteem-wrecking, confusing, and awful couple of months. Have any of you read the blogs I wrote years ago? I was emptyrisks and I'm sure it's all in the archives. I can't rehash it, I'm sorry. I'm too tired to write it...and I can imagine everyone being too tired to read what they may already know.

SINCE THOSE BLOGS:

DH and I separated only a few months after we married. First, my sons and I stayed in our house while DH and SD moved into a 2 br apt. Then, 6 months later, my sons and I traded placed with DH and SD. But then of course, DH and SD were still over every day. SD went to school in that district, she came to my place after school, then DH gets off work and they eat with me and my sons, yadda yadda.

But SD didn't change her tune, though addresses had changed. She was disrespectful, spiteful, angry, vindictive (over what, I have no idea). She was needy, rude, pushy, hateful, whiny, etc. I don't recall what happened exactly, but one day I snapped.

I told her dad the hardest thing I'd ever had to say: I love you. I love SD. But I don't love either of you eough to have my sons see me treated so badly. And you, DH, don't love me enough to make her stop. So, get out of my house. Get out of my life. Make your own f**king meals. Feed your own kid. You pick her up after school. You do it ALL. You, darling, can deal with all this bulls**t on your own, because it all belongs to YOU.

I cried for weeks. He did, too. He stayed away as they were a "packaged" deal. I missed him.
It wasn't even 2 months later that he somehow bargained within himself (and then with me) that we could still be "we"...it might just have to be on separate terms from SD.

Not sure how I felt deep inside. But honestly...I'd felt so alone without him. Lost, even. We'd been best friends LONG before lovers, an item, or wedded. I didn't fully like it, mind you...but if he was OK, I guess I could make me feel OK? I dunno. It seemed he was finally at a place where he needed me...just me...even without anything else, I was important enough to make room for...or something.

*sigh*

I didn't see her for a year. Maybe just over that. G*d help me...I must admit it was bliss. But I knew...KNEW....it wouldn't always be that way. You know...a life iwthout her? But that was OK, too. I'd been reading a lot of stuff about living in the now...not dwelling...not condeming...I meditated daily. I prayed. I found space and time for myself while being a mom and my DH'S "lover", as weird as that sounds. The stress, or at least 90% of it? GONE.

If my life and the life of my sons might be merged with hers again...at least I'd be ready. Tey'd be ready. I/they would be more at ease. I/they would be more steady on my/our feet. I'd/they'd feel less victimized and more assertive and just....chilled the hell out. It felt nice. Confidence felt way, way cool.

When we all ended up in our home together again (more out of financial need and our apt. had broken AC in Texas!!!!)....that "chill out" continued....from August 08 until March 09....it was mostly OK. But that OK was, admittedly (even by DH) due to me and my new ideaology, and the fact that my kids felt it, too. We were like the effing FONZ. No lie.

I knew moving back in that a new wrinkle had been added, mind you. SD and BM (who disappeared when she was SD was only 5), had somehow developed a relationship of sorts.

But you know what? BM would only have her a night every other weekend. BM has NEW kids and a NEW husband (her new hubby loathes SD, btw). Somehow SD didn't quite fit, but they made it work 2 times a month.

What did I care? It was a break for DH and I. No biggie. I wasn't mad at BM or SD or DH. I was riding the wave of the FONZ.

But then we were back here. Suddenly SD "hates" going over to BM's house. "Just can't do it!!!! Just can't go!!!!!!!!!!!!" yadda yadda yadda.

We say she doesn't have to, assuming it must be really bad. So she doesn't go. *shrug* I was still cool, so were my boys.

Then came the night in March. It was the 12th...DH and my anniversary.
We came home from being at dinner to find everything wrong.

SD wasn't allowed a social netowrking account, for one, due to some phone sex (YEAH YOU HEARD IT!) and giving out addresses on networking sites.

BUT SHE HAD ONE, AND THE PAGE WAS OPEN ON DH'S LAPTOP. It was facebook. And the open page was her inbox...with messages back and forth with BM.
SD says to BM: "They will never keep us apart!!!!! Our love is too strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (yeah, throw up over the cheesiness~ I almost did)
BM to SD: "You are my baby! We will overcome this and her!"
SD to BM: "You gave me LIFE, not her. YOU are my mom. We will work this out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTf, folks?

And things have gone terribly ever since. I lost my happy thoughts. My sons tumbled after.
Yaddayaddayadda.

I didn't keep them apart. I didn't say she shouldn't go over. I didn't say she should. I supported. I tried. I love her dad. My kids were being more than fair, more than patient. But with some people you can't win.

More stuff has insued (I'll write later), which led to this terrible birthday evening in which I was yelled at by DH about this being his house and we are so disrespectful to him and his daughter and blah blah she is such a victim blah blah.

My kids want to move out yesterday.
I don't blame them.

But I kinda hoped for a good b-day.
I hoped that this weekend (my youngest son's b-day) would be fun.
I have no place to go, and no money saved up.
I'm just...screwed.

So here's to being a step-parent! I'm on beer 4. No sleep in sight.

Will you guys send a prayer for me and my boys? Long or short...I don't care. Pray I can support them without anyone's help, and pray for our mental health. I'd surely appreciate it. Thanks for listening.