Anxiety coming back - vent
I need a good vent. SD is a clone of BM and now I have the anxiety I used to have with BM allll over again as SD is now acting exactly like her in my own home. Unfortunately DH is playing right into her hand and thinking I am the one at fault. I have also been crowned to have one of the worst BMs on this site so I am not surprised SD behaviour is being fine tuned to act exactly like her mother.
I am not the one at fault here and it's getting really hard to explain myself and justify my reactions. So I'm seeing a psychologist to help me navigate how to live with a toxic step child. DH is sticking up for his 10 yo and as a mother I understand but at the same time I discipline our children when I recognise bad behaviour. These kids never get disciplined so lord help me.
Example, SD is behaving in a way that will get a reaction out of me and she's figured out the best one- using DD4. Now BM has used this manipulative behaviour on both SS and especially SD so she's had a very good teacher. So SD plays with DD4, but plays with her so DD4 gets overly excited. Starts squealing, getting silly and eventually disruptive. Naturally my footsteps come to check on this situation as I hear furniture being slammed ect, then like a switch she says in a sweet high FAKE ASS voice, 'no DD we do not do that'. Resulting in DD4 to naturally cry and get upset and then there is SD sitting calm and quiet and appearing to act like she has done nothing wrong. It is so hard to explain to DH the games she is playing because that's only just one example.
Then at other times, I have no idea how DD4 gets upset so much with SD. She comes down stairs and says SD won't play with me as she is sorting out footy cards. I'm like wtf. Now, I don't expect Sd to play with DD all the time, I actually prefer her not to be around her at all! But, it's odd behaviour to sit in a room and sort out dated football cards when she hates the sport and not be doing something she likes like drawing or watching tv.. something normal. Then DD4 is upset and I just hate that she is, as she isn't normally like this! She is quite capable of colouring in herself but as soon as SD is around she is always crying or upset about things and I think lord help me why is she acting like this.
SS12 has no interest at all in playing with his baby siblings as DH allows him to be online gaming the whole time which also annoys me as his language isnt very appropriate sometimes.
They live like pigs, SS has massive attitude which I've disengaged with. I have grilled DH about their hygiene so much, to the point now they glare at me when I mention showers (I have completely given up on teeth) and god forbid I enforce showers and hygiene in my home. Seriously the clothes they come in stink as BM lives like a pig. They think it's normal. I have had so many heated discussions with DH about the state of his two kids when they come here. Especially SD!! Her sneaky behaviour is the worst and it's hard to prove without me looking like a wicked step mother which is exactly what she wants.
I try not to react, but she has put this fake personality in place where now she floats like a ghost and speaks politely and calmly to DH and avoids being in the same room as me and DH thinks it's my fault. Ugh. She asks me questions all the time even when her father is next to me! She asked me can she make a sandwich close to dinner time in this sweet ass voice and I stared at her because I found she threw out her sandwich from her lunchbox and I pulled it out of the bin to show DH. I know she saw it on the bench..
I honestly was shaking with anxiety on how to respond. I didn't reply and she asked me again and DH was watching tv and finally he spoke up and said no he's cooking dinner soon and she walked off. Did she do that to get a reaction from me? Is it coincidence? This is what I am going through with my anxiety.
While he's cooking I'm cleaning, washing, getting the two younger ones sorted so I'm tired as I sit down and at dinner SD gushes at DH saying 'thanks so much dad for dinner' feeling her eyes on me and it's just getting a bit full on for me now. So that's where I'm at. Thanks for reading. I know I need help, I know it's not my job to enforce them to clean, and I know I need to try and not react to SD and busy myself but I am also 13 weeks pregnant and my hormones aren't helping. I just wish DH can see how manipulating she is. He was blind to BM for years before he realised how toxic she is.
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Comments
Ick, I'm having flashbacks to
Ick, I'm having flashbacks to when SD14 was this age. She was just as manipulative, but hid it better back then and also excused more of the behavior when she was younger as "just a kid" and "brainwashed by BM". Low and behold she knew exactly what she was doing. Now that she's a teen, she doesn't even try to hide her true colors from DH. He has slowly seen that her personality is exactly like BM. Confrontational and only uses people if they are to her own advantage.
When DS4 was born (they share a bathroom) she claimed she was "cleaning" and "doing chores" to help out. No, she was in fact resentful that she had to share a bathroom and angrily took ALL of his stuff and hid it in a cabinet, She also took onesie outfits and put them under the sink. Very obvious that's NOT where something goes. And removing ALL bathroom products/baby stuff was sign to me how she really felt about him. I wasn't totally disengaged yet, so I DID call her out on it. I heard her hufing and puffing that his bath mat was drying on the side when she was getting ready to take a shower. I said "he is here whether you like it or not, and always will be while you are here too." Maybe it was a little harsh, but she needed a reality check at the time and DH was NOT at that point yet.
Thankfully SD14 doesn't interact with DS4 now. I tell (mostly DH) if he is arguing with SD14 or if they are having a disagreement, then they need to do it away from DS14. She is so negative and I don't want him picking up her terrible attitude and how she speaks to her Dad.
Since your SK seems to be purposeful about her interactions with your bio, I would directly address it. If your bio is crying after she is playing with them (swoop in and say "let's go do ____ instead" "it seems like SK is upsetting you" "come with me instead" "let's go play in the living room" "oh we have to go run errands anyway" ) Hopefully she will get the hint. If DH tries to make it about you, shut it down. Tell him your job as a Mom is to protect your bio and that's exactly what you're doing.
I wouldn't let SD be alone
I wouldn't let SD be alone with my 4-year-old if she usually ended up crying. "DH, when they play alone together DD ends up crying. Idk what's going on but i think it's too stressful for both of them." If he won't take you seriously, hidden cameras in common spaces isn't a bad idea. "I'm worried about them when i hear crying. I can only help both of them if i know what happened."
Unless this
is really how floral feels she shouldn't say it. Otherwise it is simply an attempt to manipulate Dad into doing what she wants when what is needed is a hard conversation between two equal adults. Manipulating men - or anyone else - to get what you want from them is not healthy.
SD is tormenting her half sister because she is unhappy with blended life with the added plus of upsetting her SM and causing trouble in the marriage.
She doesn't get to do this. And if Dad is allowing it to happen because he doesn't want to address it with his SD then he is giving permission for her to continue. If this is the only situation where the 4 year old consistently falls apart then he needs to be reminded of this and asked how he can explain it.
At the very least, this dynamic has to change. SD can't be left alone with DD to be messed with. It doesn't matter if she wants to play with her older sister. She can't because it's not good for her. Her time has to be structured so this doesn't happen. It will take more work but there really is no other choice. And if SD tries to lure her away she needs to be told why she can't. If dad doesn't like it, too bad. The younger sister comes first because she is defenseless.
I agree that honesty and
I agree that honesty and straightforwardness are best. I guess i'm jaded because i was afraid that if OP were to be honest, her DH would get defensive, shut her down, and dig his heels in to defend SD more. I hope i'm wrong and that your way works. With a well-adjusted spouse, it should.
For me,
it wouldn't be worth it to butter up dad. I see red when I see or read about a child being abused. And this SD is abusing her younger sister.
This would be my line in the sand. I couldn't settle for a partial or only when daddy's around improvement. I would feel like I was a collaborator if I accepted the continuation of the abuse to any degree because it wasn't adequately dealt with. Probably because my ex was an abusive sob and I was always on high alert because he liked to get our kids upset. Made him feel powerful, just like his father who was also an abusive sob. A classic bully. I fought him tooth and nail and only stayed in the marriage because it was always worse if I wasn't there.
I agree stop the
SD abd DD playing around. It's only going to cause problems. Dont let them be alone. Put cameras in the play area 's. That record. SD is a lost cause. If SO puts SD above you. You have a problem with him. Don't fall for his crap that your the adult and should take his kid $hit. SO is setting the playing field. It's time to all understand. It's you or her.
'Either you are queen bee or DH can take SD and stay at motel 6. Having another failed marriage and more CS.
You're the adult. SD is the
You're the adult. SD is the kid. Call her out. You are not a guest in your own house. If you can't be in the same room when SD and DD are together, set up cameras you can watch on your phone and let SD know the cameras are there. Seize your power.
i would webcam the shit out
i would webcam the shit out of the entire home except for toilets. Then when SD does her usual mystery shit, have footage review with SD and daddy when you identify the infraction.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat. A 12yo has no business playing with a 4yo of that 12yo is not entirely trustworthy.
Bring the Cams. Make this kid's life a living hell of escalating abject misery. If daddy can't pull his head out of his own ass, introduct him to another divirce and another better part of 20yrs of CS. When the Skids age out from under the CO, make sure to put daddy in the poor house with a CS review when BM is no longer getting money out of the mix. DH will be making more, he will be paying more to you for your young children.
Me too!
Major flashbacks! Protect your bios at all costs!
Thanks
Thanks everyone it is so refreshing to hear I'm not crazy. Sometimes DH gaslights me and thinks it's me and she's this innocent 10 yo and I am a grown woman and needs to 'grow up'.
It's so frustrating for me when he says that considering our history with SD and SS growing up! Like helllo, this 'innocent' child gets rewarded for lying and saying bs about us since she could learn how to talk!!
Anyway I have a baby cam so I am going to install it upstairs so I can monitor the children playing on my phone. I won't even tell DH until something happens because he will try to shut it down.