disengaging is liberating and I'm loving every sec!!!
So I've disengaged for a few days now. And I just LOVE IT!!! I love not having any feelings towards SD9! No more trying to win her over, no more worrying if she'll ever love me in return, no more excepting her to appreciate me and everything I do for her because I'm done doing anything for that girl. She is no longer MY problem nor my concern. I don't know why I haven't disengaged sooner, Its like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders!
Since I've disengage I've had a lot to think about. I also purchased the Book STEPMONTSER. Freaking love it! I recommend it to any stepmother out there who feels alone when dealing with a "blended family"
Well I've come to the realization that I've never really loved SD9 and probably never well. I mean, She doesn't make it easy thats for sure. I do CARE for her but that will probably be the extent of it. I don't know if that makes me a bad person but Thats how I truly feel.
My fiancée and I had a discussion about having another child after we marry a few days ago. I was honest with him and told him that I will love MY child more, that I will defend MY child and If I had to choose it will always be MY daughter/son over SD9 any day. It's mother nature/instinct and its unavoidable. Just like I know he would probably choose his first born SD9. (I think he has a small case of guilty daddy syndrome.)He didn't like what I had said, he told me it was unacceptable, That I should love them both equally. Easy for him to say when he's father to both children!! His response didn't surprise me because he will not be a stepfather to neither child. He wouldn't and will never understand my predicament of being the mother of one child in our house hold. I think after our conversation he's probably not going to want to have any kids with me, I don't blame the poor guy. It is what it is. He should have thought things through before marrying someone he met at a bar and only known for a year. He should have thought of the consequences before having a child aka "accident" with someone who was not fit to be a mother in the first place and then divorcing her to go and find someone else to start over with when at the end of the day it will always go back to his First Mistake/accident. I Will love MY child but I will care for SD9 until she is grown. I will treat her well and help him with her if needed. He should be happy with just that instead of wanting/asking more. (You want more?! ask SD9's mother, she does have one you know!)And if he does feel very guilty then maybe he should, at the end he has no one to blame but himself.
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great post! why does anyone
great post! why does anyone think that a person could love someone else's child the same as their own???? I guess I can't understand that.
It's possible to love another
It's possible to love another persons child as their own. my step mom appears to hate me but I love her. I just wish she'd show a little love back. That's beside the point though. It is possible.
adoption is different to me.
adoption is different to me. You are making a conscious choice to be with that child and you wanted that child.
When you are in love with another person who comes with children and those children already have parents, then its just different IMHO.
yeah but their parents aren't
yeah but their parents aren't there interferring with your ability to take on a parenting role in adoption.
its clear that I cannot be involved in a parenting manner with my skids .BM throws a fit and SO hardly does it himself so there is no place for me to do it either.
if i can't parent or take a leading role with a child, i have no interest.
it is different in away that
it is different in away that with an adopted child you can be a parent..full throttle...stepkids on the other hand you have limitations...you really cant raise them they way you want them raised you have to put what bm or bd want ahead for how they need to be raised. i care for my stepkids but having to deal with bm is hard...sometimes you feel like the third wheel...i dont know thats me
INDEED I AGREE 100% Its very
INDEED I AGREE 100% Its very hard when you DO NOT choose the child and the child already has parents.
Adoption aka CHOOSING to love someone else's child when that child has no parents or the parents want nothing to do with the child. Which means you and your loved one will be the PARENTS to this one child and only you two, You both have all rights to this child. The Loving, caring, disciplining etc... You don't have someone intervening from the outside. Its YOUR family that YOU chose!
Stepmothers CHOOSE the MAN not the child/children that came along with him as a package deal. We learn to except them, We will care for them but we don't have to feel obligated to love them when they already have a mother, I mean there's no harm in trying. Everyone is different.
I myself can not come to the conclusion of loving someone else's child, someone that I did not choose to be my own, someone who already has a mother. (Especially when that mother intervenes with your skids relationship, Brain washing her to thinking that I'm the evil one, when its the other way around.)
SD9 has a mother and a friend in ME and nothing else. I'm not trying to replace no one. I know my place and my title "Friend" I like it, I like where I stand.
well said.
well said.
I completly agree with you
I completly agree with you foxymama. My husband and I have a bs and he has 2 sons from his previous marriage. We just argued last night because I don't love ss's like I love bs. No I don't. No I never will and no it's not fair to expect me to. The love you feel for your child can't ever be compaired to what you've ever felt before. Just as I know that the love that he feels for his first son is more than he feels for our child and certainly more than he feels for me. I don't like it but I don't throw it in his face everyday. For instance he is out with SS's boating today because they don't get to spend enough time togeather while our son is with a sitter (I'm at work.). I packed him a cooler and told him to have fun. I meanwhile was yelled at on my way out the door for work that he doesn't even want to bring his children around me because I don't love them...duh. But I do care for them, I'm just dis-engaged, protecting myself and my son.
To be very honest, if you are okay with not having a child of your own with him, I recommend not doing so. I wouldn't give up my son for anything in the world but I wanted another child, until now. I suddendly understand that it would just be too difficult to navigate this blended family thing with yet another child that I have to love enough to compensate for the complete favortism (guilt) expressed by my DH. My son is too young to recegoinze it yet, but that innocence will be gone soon and I can only hope that DH will change with time as he will so that I don't have to change the situation. I would hate to have to divorce so that my son can receive the same amount of guilt fueled attention from his father.
I think the KEY to loving
I think the KEY to loving another child as your own is 100% involvement in ALL processes, financial, discipline, boundaries, structure, etc.
With most adoptions, the adult is involved in all processes as stated earlier.
What is being asked of MOST stepmoms (ncp in particular) is that they see a child on an infrequent basis, provide support financially, be expected to care for said child while in her presence BUT butt out when it comes to any decision making process (boundaries, rules, discipline etc). And then being asked by biodad who purposely keeps you out of the decision portion so as not to offend the BM to LOVE this child as your own. And the resulting disrespect from said child b/c they KNOW you are not a "real parental authority" just compounds the problem.
Sprinkle in some "adult spousal status" which is bequethed upon the child via the bioparents and you have a disaster! How many posts have we read where biodad allows SD/SS to take SM's possessions without asking and never return them? How would THIS promote LOVE between SM and skid??
It's like being asked to drive a car without brakes or steering. How comfortable CAN you feel doing that? You can never get comfortable with it and thus you can never LOVE it.
^^^indeed^^^ Fiancée wants me
^^^indeed^^^ Fiancée wants me to love on his daughter, to spend my time, effort and cash on his princess but when it comes to discipline, boundaries, rules. I'm out of the picture he rather do it on his own even if he does a shitting job. So shitting that SD9 talks to him like he's the 9 year old and she's the adult!
Its hard to love someone when they don't or even try to love you back. Its hard to love a child when you are sometimes at war with your significant other because of it! A child suppose to bring a family together not separate it!
At the end I think I'll be fine. I will have MY child with my fiancée (after all he is a wonderful man and father even if he needs work with the discipling part, no parent is perfect.) whether he's in or out, Whether he likes it or not. whether he had a say in it or not, He will have no choice but to deal just like I did! I didn't have a say on his daughter I just dealt with it!
Great post,
Great post, foxymama87!!
Isn't disengaging GRAND??? I must say myself...GOTTA LOVE IT! Much better life than the one I led before I learned about disengaging here on StepTalk.
I used to REALLY CARE about what skids thought about me....NOT ANYMORE!
I used to REALLY PUT IN A TON OF EFFORT to help skids study, get good grades...NOT ANYMORE!
I used to get into FIGHTS WITH SO about skids and how he spoils them...NOT ANYMORE (and now SO has been upgraded to FDH/fiancee!)
I used to let BM's actions/manipulations/games AFFECT ME...NOT ANYMORE!
I used to get all STRESSED OUT over so many things that occur on a DAILY BASIS involving skids/BM...NOT ANYMORE!!
:::Milomom with her hands in her pockets whistling through life:::
For me personally, the BEST part of disengaging is that it FORCES FDH to actually PARENT HIS OWN KIDS and HANDLE HIS OWN CRAP THAT BM CAUSES!! The result: FDH SEES WITH HIS OWN EYES EXACTLY WHO SKIDS & BM ARE and it forces him to accept the reality of his situation. I learned that although I was trying to HELP FDH (i.e. babysitting skids, doing homework/studying/encouraging A's, doing their laundry, cleaning up after them), I really wasn't helping HIM at all...I was ENABLING HIM to bury his head in the sand (ostrich status) when problems arose and it always seemed like everyone vs. Milomom!
Disengaging has also tremendously cut down on the BM drama. BM would always be so busy PAing the skids against us (especially me) when I was more involved. No matter what I did, I was wrong. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't. I quickly learned that, when it came to anything involving BM, NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. You have NO IDEA how many good things I did for fskids that quickly got flipped around by BM that made me look like an EVIL person. No more.
NOT MY KIDS, NOT MY PROBLEM.
Hey Milomom- How do you deal
Hey Milomom-
How do you deal with the spoiling. Just ignore it???
I've removed myself from any shopping/mall outings. I don't want to see it.
I still get kinda pissed when I see a shopping bag in SD's room or a package come in the mail for something SO bought SS
I, too, am a happy
I, too, am a happy disengager! It's been almost a year now, and my life is sooooooo much better! I no longer worry about SD25 and SS26's crap-ass lives. They are not my children and they are beyond repair. I no longer feel forced to fake any feelings for these beings that are not mine and are the ultimate example of what you never want you own children to become. Disengaging has forced DH to LOOK at his adult kids with his eyes wide open. He has a long way to go, but at least there's a crack in the force field around his kids. Ironically, through the years DH had dated some women, all of whom left him BECAUSE OF HIS KIDS.
Even though I can't stand my skids, I really do believe that, in the right circumstance, skids CAN be loved like a bio child. Those circumstances would involve the bioparent allowing the step parent to be a TRUE parent to their child. Not only in the financial, moral, and housekeeper sense of the word, but also as a true partner to their parent in every sense of the word. Parental decisions would be made together and the child would feel like he/she belonged to a real family.