The Talk

So my wife had a good talk with her therapist. She told her therapist that I was thinking of moving out and getting my own place...and that ironically we would probably get more alone time that way, because right my now my wife is just a built-in babysitter for SD21's 3 yr old son. Her therapist convinced her that it sounds like I am at the end of my rope, and it also seems like DW is too because she is so cranky and frustrated all the time. She agree that we need to sit SD21 down and tell her that by April 1st she is to be moved out. We also need to tell SD21 that the April 1st date is in stone, and it is not negotiable. My wife said well what if she hasn't saved up enough money? Therapist told her: "That's not your problem." ( Can you tell I like her therapist? )

Therapist said we have helped SD21 to the point where we honestly are doing more harm than good. We have been taking over a lot of the parenting duties when it comes to the grandkid, and that is allowing SD21 to be irresponsible and be just a part-time parent. (Of course I've said this to DW many times, but she didn't want to hear it coming from me). What's also been making the problem worse is that SD21 has now gotten back into the habit of not coming home straight from work. She would normally get home around 2am, but now has been coming home literally minutes before my DW has to leave for work at 6:45am. Their room is up on the 3rd floor of the house so normally we just assume she is home, but lately I've been going upstairs to check. There have been some mornings where if I didn't let my wife know that SD21 wasn't home and to text her, DW would've gone to work and the 3 yr old would have been left alone in our house all alone.

So my wife had a "mini-talk" with SD21 yesterday about how she needs to spend more time with her son, and how we have given her all the help we can, and now it's up to her to help herself. SD21 indicated she would be moving as soon as she could. On the one hand I'm glad that DW got firm with her and had a talk, but on the other her therapist EXPLICITLY stated that I need to be there as well when there is a talk. This is because I need to be included in these discussions. And quite frankly when it's just DW having the talk with her, SD21 doesn't seem to take her seriously. Also I feel like she and DW make little agreements between themselves behind my back. I told DW that we are going to sit SD21 down as soon as our company leaves this weekend and have a talk with her. DW doesn't think we should have the "Move Out" talk with SD21 since she already said she's moving out. I told her we do, because SD21 needs to know that Apr 1st is a DEFINITE deadline, and if she has no money she still is moving out. SD21 also needs to know that leaving her kid with us will NOT be an option this time, if she can't afford a place.

Also, she still owes rent money. Her rent is $250 a month. She only paid us $200 in November, and for Dec she has only paid $100, and that was after us having to ask her for it in the middle of the month. On Jan 1st she will owe us $400 and I plan on making it clear she at LEAST needs to pay the remainder of Dec and for all of January. We will have the talk with her this weekend. Wish me luck.

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"Therapist said we have

"Therapist said we have helped SD21 to the point where we honestly are doing more harm than good."

I completely understand. It is so hard not to help your *child* when you see they need help. But that really does keep them from growing up. My BS20 is living on his own. (Long story short: He moved out at 18 because he was using drugs and was abusive to me. Fast forward to Feb 2011 - BS admitted he was an addict and got help. He just moved out of the sober house and has his own apartment.) FDH helped me to stay strong and do the right thing by my son and he continues to do so today as my DH.

I just recently had the realization that my "helping" him was more about helping me than him. I wanted to do and give so he wouldn't be without but also because it caused me pain to see him be without. But I was holding him back from becoming a responsible adult.

It will be hard, believe me. But you and DW need to do this for SD. She will never grow if you don't.

I do believe that you and DW should both sit down with her just to make sure everyone is on the same page. No misunderstandings down the road.

Good luck!

"I wanted to do and give so

"I wanted to do and give so he wouldn't be without but also because it caused me pain to see him be without."

This is DW's biggest problem. SD21 happens to be the baby of the family, so we have helped her more than all the other three SKIDS combined. It took me only about 4-5 months to become fed up, and it has taken my wife 18 months to finally reach her boiling point.

Only reason we haven't had the talk beforehand is my wife said she wanted to wait until the holidays were over. To be honest I don't trust DW to talk to SD21 by herself because SD21 is so manipulative and my DW gives in too easy. DW will also conveniently leaves things out that should be discussed. I want there to be NO misunderstandings about what is to be expected.

Thing that really pisses me off is DW and I are both struggling financially. This past week we had to resort to using credit cards for gas money. All this while SD21 contributes NOTHING to our house. She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't buy any food for the house, and we pretty much take care of her kid at night. So we're struggling while walks around with $80-$100 pairs of jeans, $200+ Ugg boots, and always has her nails and hair done. Just pisses me off. Her $250 for rent doesn't even cover half of the utilities for our house.

That's exactly what I told

That's exactly what I told DW. We've been given the "I'm moving out" speech before, and she's still here. She needs to know with 100% certainty that she will no longer be living here after March, and she is not leaving her son for us to raise.

DW needs to realize that u

DW needs to realize that u both need to be there for the talk. It has to be a united front. I am a reforming typical give in BM. Even tho my SO has moved out he is still present when house rules, consequences, etc are laid out. For one he is my partner,and is my equal in the household. The kids no this and for the most part respect that.
The other reason is it holds me accountable to follow thru. I let my SO down a lot in the past by caving and it seriously underminded his position with the kids.
The only drawback that may happen is SD trying to guilt DW by saying she is only doing this because you are making her. My kids did it but only once as it was swiftly dealt with. I can understand how your DW is feeling but at 21 SD needs to grow up and mom isnt helping.

This is the problem I am

This is the problem I am facing. She knows all these rules/expectations are coming from me, because DW just let her do whatever the hell she wanted. Whether it was going out partying as a teenager, to letting SD21 have boyfriends sleep over while in high school.

My authority in the house definitely gets underminded by DW. I have made it EXPLICITLY clear that SD21 cannot have weed in the house. (SD has a medical marijuana card) She was keeping it in her car, but then when she sold the car, DW told SD21 behind my back that she could just keep it in the garage. Nothing I love more than coming home to my entryway smelling like weed. SD21 keeps trying to lay the guilt trip on us, but I'm at least glad that DW isn't falling for it anymore.

I do suspect that the closer it gets to April, DW will start to backtrack on her firm stance, and come up with reasons for SD21 to stay.

My Son had a baby 2 days

My Son had a baby 2 days after he turned 18. All 3 of them lived with us. After awhile though I had to kick them out of the house. One reason was he was into illegal stuff but the other was that I was doing all the house/yard work, pretty much took care of the kid and paid all the bills.

It has been 5years since I did that, but now they understand and thank me for making them grow up and get their act together. There was a period of 2 months that I wasn't allowed to see the Grandkid but it's all good now.

That is the one point that your SD may throw at her Mom....kick me out and you'll never see your Grandchild. That is very tough on us Nana's but it is the right decision in the long run.

Make sure you are included in

Make sure you are included in the "talk" and that SD knows the date and to make sure everything is on the table. My DH would also pull that stunt of promising to talk to SD about issues, but would conveniently never get around to it, so they were never resolved.

My SD didn't lift one finger to do any house work, paid a pittance in rent (until I made DH more than double it), and used to go shopping every week. But DH was happy as can be to have her living here w/us at 27, she made my life a living hell.

Good luck.

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