WTH is going on..Need Advice
So myself and FDH haven't been around too many toddlers. I have been around more than him but I really need some "parenting" guidance. Well we both do. SO we get SD3 every weekend. She came over yesterday for an overnight so her mom could go to a concert. This was not a big deal. I have to work and he is already home with our bio. But we really need some help on how to deal with SD's behaviour. She is your typical toddler drama queen. She is one of those girls that cry and whine over everything. I mean everything. Example: Sometime we leave the door open to get a breeze, well one of her toys was outside. BS9months was crawling to the door so I closed it. She had a fit because one of her toys was stil outside. I mean a crying fit. I told her that she could go get it and she did, but getting to that point was unbelieveable.
So here are, I guess issues, that we are having trouble with. We are not sure how to handle:
1. When she says, "I don't want to be here. FTM or Daddy, you are mean an I want my mommy." This is after telling her to lets say, pick up her toys, she doens't listen and FDH puts her in time out. But this can also happen just out of the blue.
2. Just the attitude in general. Last night after I gave BS a bath, the two of us we playing in his room. He has a video monitor. FDH and SD were down in the living room whatching TV. She heard me in the monitor that was downstairs, picked it up and said, "FTMandSM Shutup." FDH put her in time out for saying shut up. Which is good, but this happens a lot. How do I deal with the "toddler attitude"? EVERY time she is here, she says how mean I am etc. I know she is 3 and I need to let it go, but for some reason it is difficult for me. I know BS will go through an attitude stage, but he is mine and I can discipline him how I want and it will be ocnsistant. With SD, I let FDH do majority of the discipline unless she is trying to stick her finger in the light socket. (which hasn't happened, but you get what I mean)
3. SD can be just plain mean to BS (her half brother). She kicked him in the face last weekend because he got to close to her toys....is that normal?
It just has been very hard lately. FDH and I are always on the brink of exploding because of her behaviour. We keep telling ourselves that it's just a stage. Apparently this has been happening at BM's house as well, which is why we think it is a phase. But getting through it has been anything but easy. Trying to get a three year old to comprehend anything is difficult.
Looking for insight and any advice would be helpful....
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Comments
Agreed! My BS was awful from
Agreed!
My BS was awful from like 2-early 5. Probably went on longer then needed because I didnt crack down like I should have. Seriously those were the worse years of my life, as sad as that sounds.
But they do grow out of it and there is hope, if you stay on it.
Once I cracked down on my son, it really didnt take that long for him to understand and change his behavior. I too had to change mine.
"She melted down because her
"She melted down because her toy was outside so you let her go out and get it. Do you see that you created the beast by doing that? What SHE learned from that was that if she melts down, she gets her way. What you should have done was told her that as soon as she STOPPED crying, she could go out and get it...and then walk away from her and ignore her."
Didn't realize it then but do now! Thanks for the advice! Passing this along to FDH. We both have a hard time ignoring, this is something we need to work on as a team.
Also.........Should we ignore
Also.........Should we ignore when she starts screaming at the top of her lungs...Example we put her in time out and then she will scream bloody murder....
echo as jojo,
echo as jojo, supernanny!!
this is exactly her method too, and it seems to work each and every episode. maybe ftm can pull up a few episodes on line to watch your suggestion 'in action'.
Good call!! Super nanny here
Good call!! Super nanny here I come!! Well after work!!
FHD isn't really into
FHD isn't really into spanking either, but he did it with her this past weekend. He felt horrible.
FDH and BM have actually been
FDH and BM have actually been communicating rather well lately! She was just on her 7 day vacay with BM and BM said she was horrible. SD spent most of her time in time out. So it is going on in both homes. Dealing with it all has been the hard part that we are learning.
I completely agree with Echo.
I completely agree with Echo. The only other thing I would add, is when she says "I would rather be at mommy's" don't take it personally. Children don't realize that what they say is hurtful, they just tell the truth. And it probably doesn't mean she always would rather be at mommy's, just at that particular moment when she knows she's in trouble. Just say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, we love having you here" and kindly let her know that saying those things isn't going to help her situation. We went through this phase with SD6 as well, and if you are consistent with what you will not put up with, they catch on rather quickly. Even if the rules are different at mommy's, they still learn what won't be accepted at your house. Just breathe! Lol
"I'm sorry you feel that way,
"I'm sorry you feel that way, we love having you here"---Going to use this!
And the breathing!! I keep telling myself in my head.."It's a phase, she is 3. It's a phase, she is 3."
Between the ages of 2 and 5
Between the ages of 2 and 5 my BS16 was horrid. Like, so freaking awful that I was considering giving him to his father because I was at the verge of a nervous breakdown. He was...well, there are no words.
Stay on the course, time outs per Echo's suggestions.
It is sooo good so see that
It is sooo good so see that this isn't just us having trouble with this...It has been really difficult...we are trying to work through it. Now I'm terrified of BS getting to this stage, it may kill me and FDH.
What Echo said, BUT in
What Echo said, BUT in addition to that, you need to reward her for her good behaviors as well. I feel that rewards are just as important as punishment at this age.
My BS is 4.5 so I have been through the terrible 3's, however, he never did things like your SD is doing, but every kid is different I guess. BS4 still has a "moment" here and there, as a matter of fact, he got sent to his room last night. Consistency is the key.
This is fantastic! Thank
This is fantastic! Thank you!! I never thought of her hearing the tone in my voice for my BS. I am 1000% positive there is jealousy with the baby. She has TWO babies to deal with, one at our house and a 4 month old at her moms. So i agree she is trying to get attention, whether it be bad or good. FDH tries to do things with just the two of them to enforce that he still loves her all the same.
Maybe you got lucky!! LOL!!
Maybe you got lucky!! LOL!!
SS4 is such an amazingly good
SS4 is such an amazingly good kid. But he's gotten that way from time outs lol!
We always explain to him why he was put in time out, then say "ok give me a hug now ((hug)) right lets go play nicely"
But the one thing I noticed (he's VERY clever) when I was doing time outs, was when I said "you were put in time out because (fill in blank) do you understand?" He was nodding and saying yes and reaching for a hug, *before* I was even finished explaining to him why he was there lol! He wasn't really listening, clever sneaky lil boy!
So once I noticed that, we kinda modified it slightly by saying "you were put in time out because (fill in blank) ..now can you tell me why you were put in time out?" Then and only then did it concrete in his mind not to do it again, because all he cared about at the time was getting out of time out.
Oh and *definately* big up the good behaviour. Each and *every* time SS says please or thankyou or says excuse me when he burps or whatever, we say what a lovely polite he is. No matter how small the "good" thing he's doing is, we big him up on it.
This is too funny!!! Trying
This is too funny!!! Trying not to laugh too loud at work!!
I know right!! 2 wasn't bad
I know right!! 2 wasn't bad at all. Being 3 must be a tough gig...lol!
With my eldest, 2 and 3
With my eldest, 2 and 3 weren't bad - but 4 was a freaking NIGHTMARE. *sigh* 5 is sooooooo much easier.
Since you mentioned both you and BM have infants, I wanted to pass along some advice from my pediatrician which seemed to work wonders for us. Every now and then, explicitly tell the baby they have to wait because you're doing something for SD. The baby doesn't have to care - they don't even have to be awake!
So after I had my twins, my BS(then)3 would often ask me to play with him. I would say, "Sure BS, let's play! Babies, you'll have to wait for a few minutes, I'm going to play with BS!" Sometimes the babies were sleeping - I still said it. The babies certainly didn't care, but it cut WAY back on any sibling jealousy.
Basically, you don't have to have some big love-fest (which I feel sets up a bad dynamic later). You just have to make the perceived balance the same. Sometimes the baby waits for SD, and sometimes she waits for the baby. (Even if the baby doesn't need you at all at the moment!)