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The Dreaded Learners Permit

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 8:10pm

Ok- Poll.

I have a SSstb16. He is unmotivated, does very poorly in school, and has trouble following through on responsibilities.

I say no learners permit until he can meet his primary obligations as a teen- pass school without having your hand held.

DH feels asking him to make good grades (we're talking nothing less than C's are acceptable, we're not asking for perfection)is too "pie in the sky" and he will feel like he can never achieve it, so we should let him have his learners now and then dangle the actual license as incentive.

I think DH just wants to give his son things because he likes to make him feel better. I admit the kid has issues, but I don't see how doing him favors and handing him what he should earn helps him in life.

Apparently many of DH's coworkers agree that the learners permit is no big deal and not something that needs to be "earned", and the extra time practicing driving would be wise. I feel it is a privilege, not a right.

Thoughts?

Comments

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 8:15pm

Is he disabled mentally? Because it doesn't take much to make a C unless one is mentally impaired.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 9:00pm

the learner's permit is one thing... but if that kid can't get decent grades the car insurance will kill you. Most insurance companies will charge more for insurance (as if they don't already charge an arm and a leg for a 16-year-old... and a 16 yo BOY at that) if the kid doesn't have a B average.

My DH inquired about car insurance for his kid - insurance for the kid to drive an old hoopty car was $300 more per year than the premium DH and I pay COMBINED per year(and both of our vehicles are less than 2 years old).

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 9:14pm

I call bull s***, it is a privilege and the heck with any idiot who claims otherwise. I was allowed to get a permit one of two ways. Get C's and above or get a job on the side and pay my way bc there was no free ride. Kids are spoiled now days and they are given no reason to try anymore...Hmmm wonder why earning C's in school is so hard and unfair.. :? lol

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 9:16pm

My SS has been diagnosed as ADHD, but I believe is more aligned with Asbergers or high functioning autism. He is very intellectually smart, but can barely communicate clearly. He tests high but can't remember to do homework, or can't turn it in when he does do it. Even with LOTS of parental guidance and constant reminding, he can't do it. He stutters, gets nervous and literally can't speak at all, is not capable of expressing a thought based on emotion, and has little empathy or impulse control. He gets into rages when he doesn't get his way. He is very socially awkward and has no real friends in school or out, just a bunch of "friends" on the internet he has never met. He still wets the bed, frequently.

I just don't see this as a kid who is ready to realize that getting behind the wheel is serious stuff, and that it isn't a game and he could kill himself or other people. This kid can't even get himself up and off to school... and DH wants to get him DRIVING?

I feel like DH is more wrapped up in wanting to stick his head in the sand and pretend his precious is normal, and that this is more about DH feeling like the SKid has met his "benchmark" than him feeling the kid is ready.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 9:21pm

I let my "normal" Skid drive once illegally with me, he didn't realize that you had to turn the wheel to turn the truck.. Biggrin Glad it was no where near other vehicles.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/07/2013 - 6:31am

I knew a teenager with Asbergers. He was socially inept but he made straight A's and ran track. Played the guitar. Loved running. But his dad was fairly strict (also very loving) and always stayed on top of him, also helping him with his social skills.

My SS16 forgets homework a lot, he forgets stuff that' he's not interested in. but SO stays on top if him. When Ss16 lived with BM he was making terrible grades and getting into fights. Now that he's living with SO full time, he's making mostly A's. Socially this kid is beyond awkward and he has motivational problems. He's not motivated at all to learn to drive, too much effort. And he's also not physically coordinated.

So...tell me again, what's your DH's excuse?

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 9:21pm

I agree, Starla. The SKids ARE spoiled, as are most kids today. None of his kids have gone to college or gotten out on their own yet. Oldest is 24. At 24 DH was married and raising two kids.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 9:52pm

Does DH have a lot of extra money he just doesn't know what to do with? Cause there's no way I'd put a kid with impulse control issues who has rages behind the wheel. Is this kid going to be able to deal with other drivers? Cause no one on the road is going to realize its precious behind the wheel and suddenly be extra polite. I don't know where you live, but in most places kid is going to have to deal with people not paying attention, cutting him off, lost drivers, other inexperienced drivers and wild animals like deer. Is kid going to have a bout of road rage temper tantrum and slam the car into someone? Or break job them? Is DH prepared to pay for the lawyers and civil suits?

And yea,the insurance cost is going to be Huge. Especially if he has a tantrum on the road.... Or when he gets pulled over by a cop for speeding and cop doesn't give him his way... Ugh. Good luck with that...

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 10:07pm

I don't think he's ready PERIOD. Last year at the end of the school year we were late for the bus by a few minutes, so I said No Prob! We'll catch up with it in a few stops! We made it two more stops and the kid COULD NOT tell me where his bus went next.

He doesn't even understand how to get from home to school and back again.

sterlingsilver's picture

Submitted by sterlingsilver on Wed, 08/07/2013 - 8:22am

My son has Aspergers but he does not have the tantrums or lack of control, he does have a hard time with finding motivation for school work and chores. He is 15 now and has already told me he is certain he won't be ready to drive until at least 17. He is aware of this short coming he has. Now if your sson has ADHD as well he is probably not going to be ready for a nother couple of years and he should be put on to some sort of medication to control his impulses, or he should be in therapy. Kids with Aspergers need a lot of structure as well and a lot of help with social situations and parents to support them in sports and other social programs in order to develop those skills. They don't learn them automatically like other kids. I have my son in club sports and swimming and this year he is taking a couple electives that will require controlled social interaction. These kids also need to have free social interactions but with adult supervision, and lots of it. With xbox and computer games these days it's so hard for aspie kids to learn these skills and it's easy for parents to just let them do what is most comfortable for them. Your DH might need help teaching his son some of these skills before he is even ready to consider driving. You have a lot going on that is out of your control since you are smom and technically not supposed to parent this kid.

clydella's picture

Submitted by clydella on Wed, 08/07/2013 - 10:16am

A driver's license is definitely a privilege and not a right, it should be earned. When I wanted to make mine, my Mother explained to me what she expected in return, the rules were fairly simple. Good grades, good attitude, and a job. I don't think that's too much to expect from someone you're going to put behind the wheel of a vehicle.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 08/07/2013 - 10:31am

Oldest SS in my case got his permit the day he turned 16 last October but is doing nothing with it since then. Seems to me that back in the day, the permit lasted about a year before it expired. I see it now lasts 5 years because today's young people seem to have zero motivation to do anything for themselves, never mind DRIVE. The helicopter parents chauffeur them everywhere they want to go.

Oldest SS has done nothing with his license. He is failing all classes except for band yet manages to get a low "D" which is just above failing as a pity grade at the very end of the school year, then he attends summer school (which is a farce). He's in a garage band and works about 4 hours a week during the summer at the local greasy spoon to earn "band money." (insert massive EYE ROLL)

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Wed, 08/07/2013 - 11:33am

Driving is a privilege, not a right.

A lot of insurance companies will base the rate of coverage on the grades of the driver.

I was an A student so it wasn't an issue for me, but my little sisters both had to have at least a B average in order to get their permits and licenses.

Had DH's kid lived with us, he would have imposed that same standard in our home.

There is nothing at all wrong with holding our kids to higher standards, in order to gain certain privileges, and with the expectation they will reach them.