not sure what to do with mil-sorry long
Okay, so this has really been bugging me for about a week now.
Last week mil was mad at Dh and I because she thought that we were going to take an expensive trip before repaying some money that Dh had borrowed from her. She called me and lectured me as if I was ten years old, told me how dissapionted she was, demanded to be paid before we dared go anywhere then hung up on me. She completely took me by surprise and never gave me a chance to say a thing.
I contemplated how to deal with the situation and decided it would be best to e-mail her so that I could say what I had to without getting interrupted or getting into an argument with her. I let her know that I won the room at a charity event at my office and that we were not going to go since airfare was not included. Yes, we had thought about it but even if we did I would have paid her first. And I would have. Even though I don't know that she believed me, I said my peace and felt it was done.
What is bugging me is that in her e-mail I was confirmed in what I had suspected for a long time-that she feels I am unfair to the skids, her grandchildren. Which is bull. She mentioned how she had noticed all the new clothing for my bd, but the poor skids didn't have much. Grrrr. Now this just infuriates me because I have spent more on sd than anyone and have the receipts to prove it. Where all of this new clothing that bd is supposed to have is beyond me since I can count on one hand how many things I have purchased for her since the beginning of the year. Bd has also bought a few things for herself with her b-day money. I tried to explain that to mil and that sd has her things split between two households and it may appear that she has less than she does but sd leaves things at her moms and then says she has no clothes then wants to go shopping. Although, I did notice a few new tops that I had never seen before in sd's closet. I let mil know that Dh had just taken sd to the mall but forgot to mention the $60 Vans I JUST bought for her and the last mall trip which was not very long ago.
I let mil know it was tough to be the sm because it seemed that no matter what I did it seemed to me like it was not acknowledged, fair or enough. Mil's last response made me wonder if she even read my e-mail. She mentioned that the skids will always love their mom and will probably realize later what bm did not do for them. I never said anything about wanting them to not love thier mom and I did not try to make bm the bad guy either. In fact, I always support and encourage them about bm. She is their MOM for god sake. They should love her.
I have also never griped about having to pay for EVERYTHING even though it says in the divorce decree that all needs are split 50/50. I finally read it after a question I had about an orthodontist bill. Mil mentioned that the agreement was that dh paid for everything. Obviously mil has never read the decree. Mil went on to say that she HOPED that I could be FAIR when it came to clothes and college for the skids and that the skids loved me very much. Did it ever occur to her that if the skids love me it is because I am fair to them? What a bunch of crap.
I have not responded to her last e-mail because I realize that it is futile and I refuse to get into a petty exchange with her especially when I realize that she isn't going to acknowledge what I do anyway. I am sick of being the bad guy.
Thanks for listening. 
Georgie
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My MIL is the same way
only much worse. I have NEVER done anything right where she is concerned, and especially with the skids. If I disciplined them it was mean, if I made them do their homework I was too hard on them.... I could go on and on. We finally had to cut ties with her because she would not stop belittling me to them. She caused a lot of problems doing that, it was actually worse than BM. Funny thing is, she hated BM. She's psycho.
Sounds like you will never win, so don't try. I used to care what she thought and used to get upset if she thought I was mean to them etc. But I finally realized that nothing I ever did was going to be good enough, so I gave up.
Good luck
I'd tell her to go pack sand.
As long as you are paying her back on the terms to which you all agreed, it's none of her business what you spend the rest of your money on.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Stop helping her
If she relies on you to keep her house, family gatherings, social life going, I would cut back the time you spend with her to zero.
I loved my MIL for years until I realized things like you are saying, but related to DH's brothers family. I honestly think they favor him even though he and his wife do drugs and are bankrupt and 'borrow' money all the time to survive, because he has 2 sons and we 'only' offer a female grandchild. That is the kind of ignorance that prevails with them. After the holidays this year I no longer even want to visit them it is such an unhealthy environment in a lot of ways and DH agrees.
Lately I have noticed my MIL doing some of the things my mom did in early dementia so maybe that is it, but let your MIL get someone else to help her if she doesn't like what you do. I would explain to DH why you are doing it but let him make his own choice.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
so far my MIL is not that
so far my MIL is not that bad.. although she had mentioned to me once that it was important to her and my FIL how I treat the skids. I let her know that I treat them fairly.. DESPITE the treatment I receive from the skids and their psycho BM.
I do wonder what will happen once we have a child together. If she will point out items bought for my future bio kids vs. the skids.. to which I already have a response..
Canned future response: We spend $1k/month on CS for the skids which is meant to cover those expenses... I do NOT put $1k/mth toward my bio kids, so technically skids are getting way more from us than bio kids.
I am mentally preparing for the sh*t storm that will probably happen once we finally get pregnant and have a child together. Have been trying to get the skids prepared by requesting that we pair down their rooms, so that when a baby does come, they dont blame the baby for having to share "their room".
My MIL
In your case maybe she meant that they love their mom, in spite of all you do for them, and they won't get all of it until their old enough to appreciate it?
My own MIL some concerns about SD and our fairness to her for a little while in the very beginning. SD was her favorite grandchild, and BM tried to interfere with that relationship. Maybe because of it.
Then MIL came to stay with us several times (they live about 6 hours away) and was witness to many BM traits in SD. Now MIL has changed her tune a lot, because she sees SD turning into BM (who was HORRIBLE to MIL.) MIL tried to be a person SD could call for sympathy and complain to, but those calls have stopped since the last long visit last summer. SD tried to get sympathy from MIL, who had been here all weekend hearing SD talk back to us rudely, and get upset because it was Anna's dedication (like baptism) ceremony and not about SD. That never goes well with SD. SD tried to make MIL's last evening totally about her, and MIL ended up being quite frank with her (in a very loving way.) MIL told SD relationships are a two way street, and that MIL NEVER would have even thought of talking to her parents the way SD talks to us.
SD doesn't ask to call her Grammy anymore.
SD doesn't want someone to talk to who will try to help her work through her problems, she only wants to complain and through blame at others for her own issues. MIL saw that show once before with BM, and isn't interested in a double feature.
I've been lucky there.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks