The Family We Could Have Been
I haven't been on in a while. I've been busy with BS18 graduating high school and getting ready for college, as well as a really busy period at work. I've popped onto ST and read here and there when I could.
Things are pretty much status quo with SS15. He speaks when spoken to, but otherwise really doesn't seem to interact with us much. I'm sure a lot of this is PAS. Since BM can't use Faux as a pawn anymore, she's moved onto the next kid. Why she needs to keep punishing DH, why she feels to need to stay at war with someone she hasn't been married to in five years, is beyond me. She needs to pack up her issues and cancel her subscription, if you ask me. Work on her second (failing) marriage. But I digress.
DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist since before we married. We started out going for premarital counseling, since we wanted to have the best start with our blended family. Our therapist is so good we're still there. She is also a SM who dealt with years of PAS and two SDs who were teens when she married their father, so she really gets it. she doesn't give us idiotic advice like, "just try to love the kids more" or "be their friend" or "try to get along with the BM." None of that BS. The BM in her situation had Borderline PD like ours, and she sees the games for what they are.
Anyway, I've been feeling like an ogre lately because I just don't care anymore. SS15 is just kind of...there. I haven't made an effort to interact with him, do anything with him. It makes me feel mean or cold, like I'm not trying enough. Many of us have had it pounded into our heads that we're the adults and therefore have to make the effort.
My therapist's words? "It's hard to care about someone who doesn't care. It's impossible to have a relationship with someone who doesn't care to reciprocate. It doesn't make you cold, it makes you a normal human being." I knew that, but just needed to hear it from someone else.
She reassured us that we're doing what we can with SS15. Until he decides he's ready to stop being under BM's thumb, his situation won't change. As long as BM continues to employ PAS tactics and he believes every lie she tells, he won't have a relationship with us. We need to continue to have the same rules, expectations and boundaries we've always had, and not resort to the "BFF parenting" techniques that BM employs. We won't win. No matter what, BM will always be the "better parent" in SS's eyes until he matures, pulls his head out of his butt, and stops hiding in his fantasy world.
I feel better knowing that we're doing what we can. Until SS15 decides to meet us halfway, there will be no relationship. But that's not our fault.
We will never be the family we both hoped for. We need to grieve that loss and accept it. That's where we are now. I think a lot of us are there.
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EXACTLY. There is NO reason
EXACTLY. There is NO reason for SS15 to treat us the way he does. He never did before, but now that BM is putting things in his head, suddenly things are different. We tried to use logic with him, but there's no logic in SS's world. He can name nothing that's changed. We asked him, "Are you going to trust your own experience with us, or what your mom is telling you? Your mom knows nothing about our life, so how would she know?" Crickets from SS.
Yes, we could have been a "real" family. But SS doesn't want that. I look at our family photos that we have done every Christmas and it just makes me sad. They're lies.
He's with us two weeks on and
He's with us two weeks on and two off. I'm sure if BM gave him a choice, he wouldn't come. But I don't think she wants him FT either, not really. DH is just about done. He and SS15 don't have much of a relationship anymore.
I wish all of us on here could have our therapist. This woman has kept us from going under so many times I can't even begin to count!
She is indeed. The fact that
She is indeed. The fact that she's been there and done that makes a huge difference.
She told us how she was recently talking with her youngest SD, the problematic one, who is now in her early 20s. Our therapist's DH died a year ago, and the SD had come to get some of his things. She (the SD) said she had never thought of them (DH, Therapist, and their collective 5 daughters) as a "real" family, and she has no regrets over how she treated anyone, especially her SM. Wow. This is a grown adult, and still under the PAS spell. It gives me no hope for SS15.
This sounds like my OSD25.
This sounds like my OSD25. But i have come to believe that it is not just PAS anymore. She is a carbon copy of BM: NPD/BPD symptomatology in full view. She sent DH and email earlier this year stating that "she is trying to hurt" him and me. At that she is a graduate student in mental health. I have no words other than some of it is learned behavior, but some of it is genetic. Her BM, BM's BM are made of the same cloth.
So we should also mourn the family we wanted to have but never will.
Great post, Ghost! Great therapist.
I am not suffering too badly from the skids ( 18, 23 and 25) PAS'ing out. DH of course is another matter..
I agree. Unfortunately, exSS9
I agree. Unfortunately, exSS9 IS his mother incarnate. SS15 has a lot of DH's personality traits, but he's becoming more like her all the time. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. PDs do have a genetic component, no doubt about it.
I am also not really suffering at the loss of exSS9 and the potential loss of SS15 being active in our lives. It is what it is. I am sad for DH, though. They're his kids. He's already decided that if this shit continues, SS15 will no longer be living with us once he turns 18.
Her stance hasn't changed, as
Her stance hasn't changed, as far as we know. She's most likely still contacting BM and remaining in their lives, and I'm sure Faux has zero interest in a relationship. He never did before. we don't want to hear about any of it, so we don't ask and she doesn't tell. She and FIL are coming to BS's graduation party later this month, and I'm sure they'll be meeting Faux and BM at the pancake house.
amen, ghost. "We will never
amen, ghost. "We will never be the family we both hoped for. We need to grieve that loss and accept it."
but after u're done mourning what could have been, there's this feeling of freedom. 'it is what it is' is such an overused saying, but it's so true. it's a realization that you are not responsible for the outcome; you do not have the ability to change things anymore than you can stop a hurricane. all the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were really just wishful thinking and are NOT a personal failure.
speaking of personal failure, i think sometimes that's why steplife can be so draining on steps and their spouses. u take it personally but with the absolute best of intentions. you go in with what you're hoping to build, but it doesnt work out that way and then you think "if only i had dont x,y,z..." or "i wonder if things would have turned out differently if x,y,z..." you tend to take it personal when it is all your hopes and intentions of creating something stable- when really it is truly out of your hands completely.
it's actually a freedom stop thinking 'what if?' and to completely let go of trying to control something you cannot possibly control.
That's a really good way to
That's a really good way to think about it. Thanks, Noogies!
Reading all of these has made
Reading all of these has made me very pensive. SD18 is a carbon copy of BM. Every time she comes to our home (which is maybe 3-5 times a year), she always has something hateful to say. She hates our new rugs, she hates the bathroom hand towels, she hates she hates she hates. I always felt disheartened afterwards.
Time to accept the loss of what will never be and realize the freedom. Why should I care if she hates? It's our home and we love it.
Thank you ladies!!