I read a posting by Mustang this morning. It did make me think about the reason so many men feel it is the wife or girlfriend at fault when the relatonship does not work out. Even when it is a woman that has years of experience working with children, walls lined with framed collage derees, and spent years actively participating in every extra curricicular child activity---She is at fault.

There seems to be one common thread when I look back on my own experiences and on others that I have known. In all the situations the female thought that what she was doing would be appreciated by the male. What started out as extending a helping hand becomes an expected entitlement by the man. By the time the female realizes she has started a routine she wants stopped---it has become an entitlement the man has come to expect. Anything less is considered as depriving him or the children.

I was naive. For me,how did it all start? DH and I met as widowed, older adults with no children at home. But his children were all from his first ex and not the wife who had died. It started the first time I said "yes" thinking I would be appreciated. It started the first time I said yes but failed to make it clear that my yes came with boundries and was not going to become the routine.

DH was retired and active in several social clubs. He would invite his grandchildren over but guess who volunteered to entertain and watch them so his social schedule would not be interupted. Yet it never occurred to me to invite mine over and then leave for hours to attend volunteer activities or go to my job. I was sure I would be appreciated. NOT!!!!

Now with some experience under my belt I see the wisdom in " Don't start what you do not want to be expected to continue"
It never crossed my mind to leave him to babysit my grandchildren while I persued my own activities.
If I made an agreement with my daughter to have my grandchildren over I took full responsibility, Never occurred to to me to expect DH to devote his day and night taking care of them.

For me the "Treat them all the same" attitude just did not work out. For several years there were 7 of his to my 1 grandchild. I often footed the entire bill for the experiences that I wanted for my own grandchild and were extended to his also. It was always his children that needed some kind of help and me who felt angry and used when he recieved the pat on the back and I was the person left to pay the bill or do the work.

Eventually I joined the same club as many of the other posters here on ST. The B.... CLUB. I was honored with the recognition of being selfish, hating his children, and being like all those other women who never accept or treat a man's children fairly.

If only I had done things different. DH wasn't that involved with his grandchildren
It would never have occurred to him that they were missing out on educational or fun activities.
He never would have noticed they were dressed in rags.
He would have never noticed they were very behind grade level in school and needed a summer of one on one tutoring.

Why didn't I just look the other way? Why didn't I keep my mouth shut and play dumb? Dh had played dumb, gotten away with acting like he was unaware of anything lacking in both his own children and the grandchildren's lives. If he did notice then he did not feel it was important enough to disrupt his life over.

If nothing else--- I have learned to bite my tongue and say nothing. What ever the situation is I can not afford to come off as wanting to help. Finally learned it is not my job. not my responsibility. NOT APPRECIATED