introducing the monster-self
SO much to write but don't know how to explain 7 months of hell in couple words. There I have already said it. HELL
I have always thought of myself as a good person, good hearted, polite, thoughtful and forgiving. I have always had good manners even when I hated the guts of a person I could never curse them or not say thank you when they have done something for me.
Lately, I am hateful, angry all the time and even to the point of wishing people harm. Clearly it doesn't help that I gave up smoking 8 months ago and now have been living with SD15 last 7 months.
What upsets me most it what i am turning into and how I can't even stop it happening. DH is not happy and last 5-6 months all we do is argue. my son 5 is now is behaving much worse at home and school ( have to be honest it wasn't great to start with but now even worse).
I feel like leaving DH and just being with my 5yo but also terrified that it would have bad effect on him. To me I will be ok, at least much better than right here right now.
I am on the watch out constantly. SD15 hits BS5 and her reason is teaching him lesson by giving him his own medicine. I have never wanted to inflict pain to anyone this much before.
I don't know what to do. I don't know now even if I want to do anything.
Tired of all this and DH doesn't seem to understand as he is only at home at the weekends and all I do is complain
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I wish I didn't have to live
I wish I didn't have to live with her. Her mum is in UK. We moved here 8 years ago. Her BM has 7 kids and 8th is on the way(number of fathers:6) SD and her other siblings have been taken away as her BM wasn't fit parent and certainly didn't help that she chose a partner a known pedophile. Social services took all the kids away. And as no one wants a teen and we were happy to get her here. Before she arrived, we had a good relationship. Now I see why her own mother was calling her an evil in a court. SD has no remorse or knows nothing of just stepping back. When she is wrong she just argues even more. That pisses me more. When she came in, I used to kiss her, show love like I do to BS, and cook food that she likes to comfort her. Now all i feel like cooking is pea purée, beans and fish.
I know what you mean. My
I know what you mean. My ss16 last lived with us in 2012. For only 4 months. You would think that things could not get that bad in such a short time. I totally lost sight of myself in those 4 months. I was constantly on alert for harm that he would cause my kids- and that does change you. We are not meant to have our stress system activated 24/7.
I certainly wished bodily harm to come to him. Had images of me doing it myself. Was angry, stressed, unhappy all the time- was basically a hot mess as I could dissolve into tears just as easily as I could yell and get angry.
The only solution in my situation was to get him out of my home. We don't see the kid anymore and while I still dislike him very much I don't necessarily hate him or wish him bodily harm. It's not that I've forgiven him, I just no longer care.
If BS hits, we stop playing
If BS hits, we stop playing with him. He only hits if rough and tumble games are played. I have said so many times. Do not encourage playing rough and if somehow he does hit just stop. I know BS is not perfect but he is 5 and he is learning. If he hurts anyone he has to apologise. The part is he doesn't hit me because I don't play rough games with him. She is from a household with 6 kids and chaos and I feel that she hates BS even though he is half brother.
I believe he'll lose things if I move out as he will lose a sister, and father. He is happy mostly and not so much bothered what is happening, it is me who is panicking. He threatened me, messing my room up if i didn't do what he told me.
I know I am protective of him, I don't think anything is wrong with it. Equally I would not knowingly let anyone hurt SD either.
That is exactly what I am
That is exactly what I am afraid of. I give him punishments if he hits like he can't play with an iPad, or no tv. He even lost his precious camp-out bed. He always have to apologise. I am besides myself that I don't actually know how to stop him. That is why I don't play that games that can easily get out of hand. (In his defence he doesn't do it to be nasty. Or just hit someone out of the blue. There is always rough play involved. Like throwing a toy and running after it, trying to get it out of someone's hand etc.)
Be my guest and give me a suggestion what else I can try. I don't my son to be bully.
DH doesn't see that as a
DH doesn't see that as a problem. And thinks I am overreacting. By the way BS is his son as well. He says that if I am so unhappy and we can't find a way to fix this, he can take SD and move away. So I feel that he is choosing her over us. That also drives me insane
Yeah that I am all for
Yeah that I am all for stoping rough play but that is not being listened. I have many times told SD that if he hits her ever she needs to stop playing with this way he'll know that playing and fun stops if he hurts someone. And come and tell me.
Both DH and SD say that outside world will not be like that and also I am not letting him have fun. I will not let him do anything if there is a risk of injury. She poked him in the eye one day. Another time pushed him to the wall that he hit his had and end up with a bump and don't get me started on the scratch mark on his forehead.
Even listing all that sitting here is frustrating, knowing there she is in the next room playing with her hair or talking to her friends.
I really don't like her at all
That seems to be the option I
That seems to be the option I have. I will be meeting the social worker this week and somehow I feel that that is what she is also going to suggest. It is not an exaggeration I really don't trust her. This week if they are in the same room, I made sure I was there. That meant that I had to drop everything off, but I don't care.
DH is useless and not going to stand for it.
And thank you for the support system comment