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GoingWicked's picture

I was in SDs room with DH fixing a furniture issue she was having, and low and behold clinging to a mirror is a printed picture of DH and BM kissing.  My very first thought was ew, and DH said the same (which to me was ironic, considering).  Anyway, I’m not bugged by it.  I mostly feel sorry for borderline BM that she actually kept this picture (it’s a recent print) and may still have a flame going for him.  A little sorry for SD, realizing that SDs animosity towards me might actually be fueled by BM’s craziness.  BM just got divorced from her DH, so maybe she’s taking trips down memory lane.  Of course SD herself is whack-a-doo as well... they split when she was a baby.  I keep telling DH that she needs counseling, this gave some more oomph to my arguement. And really, I should say they both do, he is codependent to her crazy.

Anyway, is this disrespectful, should DH tell her to put it away?

Comments

Kes's picture

I don't think it's disrespectful, as long as it's in her own room, although it does make ones's eyes roll.  I had a similar issue with younger SD referring to the time NPD BM was with DH repeatedly as "the golden years" on Facebook, although they were nothing of the sort of course, except in her mind.  She was age 4 when her parents split, now age 22 she is still trying to wrangle them back into each other's company.   She recently invited DH on a weekend trip with her and NPD BM to visit other SD where she lives, up north.  Who knows, maybe NPD put her up to it?  

GoingWicked's picture

Good, that was the only thing worrying me.  I’m thinking maybe it’s a fantasy she needs to hold on to.   And I’m a big appreciator of fantasy, considering I fantasize that she and her BM will spontaneously up and decide to move to another country thousands of miles away, where the only communication is snail mail, leaving our family in peace and harmony.  She’s more than welcome to have her fantasy of BM and DH in a loving relationship.

I would laugh so hard if DH got sucked into going on a weekend getaway with BM and SD.  He hates BM, and SD and BM both are off their rocker, and he’s a people pleaser.  That would never happen, but it would be hilarious.

 

Harry's picture

apparently SD wants BF and BM back together to play Happy Family. And wants you out of the picture. You must Disengage from SD. You don’t take, do, buy, for crazy SD.  She is never going to like or respect you.  So don’t play her game 

GoingWicked's picture

Maybe, I’m half thinking maybe she feels like she needs to know DH and BM loved each other, or maybe she wants to drill it into my head.  I don’t care.  I’m already perfectly disengaged.  The only reason I do anything for her is if it benefits me or my kids.  Like fixing her furniture.  DH wanted to go out and spend money on new stuff, however, that doesn’t benefit me.  So, I showed him how to fix the problem.  We saved money, and now I can use it towards buying a house far away from her, with or without DH.

tog redux's picture

Personality disordered people often don't really let go of their exes, and vacillate between love and hate for them. A breakup is a common time to circle back to an ex and again see him as "the one that got away".  These daughters are caught up in their mothers' craziness, in both directions - the love and the hate.

Allow her the picture, but do get her therapy..

Letti.R's picture

I would not be bothered by the picture as long as it stays in SD's room.
It is something she wants to hold on to - your husband doesn't.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

TBH I differ form a lot of the others. I would be bothered by it. Though a lot of my frustration comes from MIL trying to tell me that I was "requried to hang pictures of Psycho and DH together in our home. So the kids won't feel their family is divided." Which REALLY turned me off from it. THen to top it off, cleaning out storage and finding pictures mixed in with things definitley wasn't fun either. And DH thankfully got rid of all of them. BUt between that and Psycho's obvious mistreatment of the girls. I would be completley bothered by that picture not existing, but being displayed in my home.

It's not necesarilly anger related, but with all she's put all four of us (DH, myself, and the girls) through, and continues to put us through. I honestly woudn't be happy with a picture of her in my home in general, with or without DH in it. Maybe if the girls want one later they could have one of just Psycho so long as it stays in their rooms. But it wouldn't be welcome to me. Particularly one like that.

However a lot of this is probably situational, it's hard to know how I'd feel, or how the girls would feel, if the situation was different, or if she was a good, sane, person who actually cared about the wellbeing of the girls, or who at the very least did the bare minimum for their wellbeing. Initially I thought everyone could be sane, and I feel in that siuation I might feel different about this topic.

Notup4it's picture

Did BM put her up to it? Sounds like it to me. I have a pretty good feeling that the picture doesn’t necessarily mean much to SD but was a manipulation ploy by BM.  “Here is a picture of me and your dad for your room at dads house!”, I would say that picture was given knowing the reaction it would cause- and I also feel that SD probably doesn’t really see anything much to it.  By her age kids are usually fully adjusted once parents have been apart for a while, and the only ones I encounter who aren’t are ones with personality disordered bio parents who want to keep the kid psychologically fixated on their parents relationship in order to manipulate the other parent further.

My DD is the same age, and has friends whose parents are divorced as well and literally none of them could care less about their parents relationship. All they care about is that their parents don’t fight, and that it doesn’t impact their day to day lives.  Kids at this age are pretty self centred for the most part and could not be bothered by “romance between their parents” or “what was”- they just don’t care about that sort of thing. Kids don’t even want to think about that sort of thing and usually find it gross. 

I would say that mom is trying to have skid fixated and act as her little manipulator by proxy. She is going through an emotionally hard time because of her second divorce and she is reminiscing and grasping at straws. 

What I would do is give zero reaction to it- if you do it just goes back to BM and she will be filled with glee that she can still have an impact and think that she is capable of causing trouble and then will up the antics. You could also just slip the photo into a drawer if looking at it bugs you- I would say it doesn’t matter at all if it was just a normal photo but because it is a kissing one I honestly believe she was put up to it. Or you could get DH to say that it is an inappropriate photo and to keep it in a drawer.

For Christmas I would send mom a photo of you and DH under the mistletoe. hahah.

Jcksjj's picture

^this. I have divorced parents and all I can think when I see alot of these posts and responses about this type of thing is theres no way this is all coming from the kids. I was not and am not invested in my parents relationship with each other. I care that they're happy and if that means they are happier with other people that's fine. Guarantee BM is unhappy and jealous and that's getting pushed onto the kid and she thinks her parents getting back together would fix it.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

I drew the line at a photo that suddenly appeared of SD and BM back when they lived in my house. I asked SD to replace it with a more current one, I would be happy to take the photo of them and pay to have it printed and framed. I just didn't want "remember when" of the good old days photos in my home. It became obvious that SD purposefully put the photo up for that purpose when she pitched a fit, refused the offer of a new photo and took ALL her photos down. *shrug* 

while I fully support having photos of the other parent in their room, I refuse to have photos used as weaponized memories to make me uncomfortable in my own home. 

(just to clarify, it was a photo of them snuggling in the house)

Survivingstephell's picture

I think that if games are going on with BM and the skids are still confused about having two different homes then pictures from the good old days are not a good idea.  Pictures with a parent are ok and reinforce the idea that the relationship with each is respected and need to be kept in the skid's room.  

OP, its your home and its up to the adults in that home to set the tone of it.  Exes don't get to do that and don't ever let them.  

GoingWicked's picture

Ok so I approached DH with the idea that BM is hankering to reignite their old flame.  I am now going to try to have less to do with her.  I told him it was for the best my kids and I skip out on SD’s birthday bash (thrown by BM, nutso MIL is also going).  We seem to be the one SD, BM, and MIL want removed from the picture anyway.  (Woohoo! I’ve been looking for excuses not to go!)  It really is for the best, since my presence is just going to make BM more jealous and SD more angry, and MIL is wacko regardless.  I told him he is free to go on his own.  

Of course, he wants to make sure his precious has biparental support, but hates and, in recent light of events, is very creeped out by BM, doesn’t like MIL either, and wants me there as his buffer.  So now, it’s all my fault.  I caused the drama.  I’m insecure blah blah blah.  Same old refusal to acknowledge who is actually “the problem”: HIM!  He should have gotten his daughter in therapy at 5 when she first started acting weird.  Or in 4th grade when she was screaming at her teachers, or even last year when she was depressed and cutting.  Or even better, chosen a sane ex wife from the start.  I hate how he piles this crap on me.

As far as I’m concerned, he can makeup whatever story he wants, I am going to be blissfully hanging out at a Christmas festival with my almost normal, drama free little boys, without his insane family on SDs birthday.

Survivingstephell's picture

You are not his buffer.  He needs to set her straight himself.  He picked to her have a child with so its all on him to handle his crazy.  

Don't own this.  Its not yours to own.  Throw it right back at him.  None of them would be in your life if it wasn't for him.  I had to remind my DH of that often before he owned his crazy baggage.  

Notup4it's picture

Nope, you go to this bday bash.... your presence acts as a reminder of the present!! If you don’t go borderline BM is going to think that she has won in some way, or even worse she will think in her stupid head that DH didn’t have you come for a reason or that you 2 are fighting or at odds. As much as it sucks, I would go and make my presence very known. And who cares about MIL, just cling to DH all night.  Tell DH that you are going to support him.... go and “support” him very obnoxiously in front of BM- show her her place:   

The bday is once a year and it will cause way less drama by just going.  No fight with DH no retaliation drama from sd, and get BM’s head back on straight.  Then have a firm talk with DH about boundaries and getting sd into therapy.

GoingWicked's picture

No, no no, I am not going.  I didn’t want to go before, now I have a wonderful excuse.  I do not care if BM feels like she won, nor do I care if she thinks we have problems.  She’s a delusional nutcase.  Her opinion does not matter.  I also don’t think it’s a good idea to rub it in her face, she’s already screwing with SD enough.  Maybe she’ll lay off if I’m not in her face.  In addition, I don’t want my kids there either.  Mil is mentally abusive to them, SD is a butt, and BM is officially psycho.  There is no good that can come from that combination.  Besides I doubt DH will go without me.  The only reason he would go is because his parents will be there.

Survivingstephell's picture

I checked out of the skids life because of crazy BM.  It was for the best and it did make a difference.  Skids are caught in a  loyality bind and if you can remember that, it makes disengagement easier.  You can never win with a BM like this.