no signed contract, no skid24 moving in.
Well looks I am in my last 10 days (give or take) of being an empty nester.
Still a few things to do before skid24 lands on our door. Like install keyed locks on my bedroom door and my storage room door and have a major blow out.
This weekend I casually asked when our we going over the house rules with skid? Which my DH told me that he would be meeting privately to discuss because “its my kid”. I said that I know he is “your kid” and that’s a point I will never argue, however the house is my house to and what happens in our home is both of our business. I also indicated I did not trust him to deliver the information because in the past he has avoided situations when it comes to skid.
Well later that day I guess my husband took the opportunity as they drove a load to storage and spoke with kid. He said he went over the rules and there are no issues, I asked him what he said to skid, he listed some of the rules but not all of them at least to me. “I asked if he told him no pets are allowed, and his dogs are not allowed to visit? Even if we go away for a weekend?” He replied “No, I never thought of that. If we go away, I will tell him then”. I mentioned that I had the written contract drafted and I would have gave it to him, to which back he snap “of course you do” in a snotty tone.
The fight ensued, he is mad because he thinks I was treating him like a child and that I am trying to control him. I apologized for making him feel that way but that was not my intent.
I was ok with doing this for skid24 as long as it would be different than last time, and DH made it sound like it would be, then as it comes closer he starts talking Disney Dad verbal diarrhea and it worries me.
My DH cannot even assure me that he has my back. I told I needed that assurance and he goes in circles about other stuff, like its only 6 months, our marriage is strong enough, blah blah blah.
So for the rest of the weekend DH was by himself and I was busy doing my own thing, not wanting to be around him because I am so angry. This conversation/fight was Saturday mid afternoon and I am still pissed right off, even woke up at 5:00 am pissed off.
DH left for a business trip this morning, returns Tuesday night and then Wednesday we both leave to out of town to his Company’s Christmas party on the other side of the country. Upon our arrival back I will let DH know to get the effing contract signed by his kid and returned to me prior to him moving in otherwise he is not moving in. DH can have an explosive pout for a whole 2 weeks at that point if he wants, I don’t care anymore.
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Comments
Have you thought
Have you given any thought to how you intend to enforce the contract if it is broken and your husband thinks that you need to "let it slide?" Not to be a Negative Nelly but if he is not on board with the contract existing in the first place it is not likely that he will be supportive of insisting on it being followed. Is there a penalty that you can independently control such as use of your car, groceries that he likes being available, laundry products being available, or internet/cable access?
I will enforce them myself
I will enforce them myself and not be anyones doormat and if need be changing the locks and telling skid to go to his mother's is my solution and since I can rekey the house myself it would only take a moment. I don't think my DH gets that this looks like the hill I am willing to die on.
You sound really serious.
You sound really serious. How serious is your husband? Could this turn into a war of lock changing? I mean, you change the locks on Tuesday and he changes them on Thursday? Is it at that point?
Pretty damn serious. My
Pretty damn serious. My husband could not rekey a lock so he would have to hire a locksmith. Otherwise we can list the house for sale and call it a day.
I'm laughing at your
I'm laughing at your responses grace, but I love that you mean business! Good for you for not backing down and standing your ground.
It boggles the mind how reluctant DH's are to really put those limits in place, and in your case, to have him sign the contract. "Of course you do". Really? It sounds like SS made your lives miserable before, so somehow you ensuring that doesn't happen again is sooo terrible of you? And having SS sign a contract, oh no! Like it might somehow hurt his feelings? Kids have dealt with wayy worse than that. I just hate this whole "oh must tiptoe around skids and never hurt their feelings, even if it means teaching them responsibility". So ridiculous.
Thanks. It boggles my mind
Thanks. It boggles my mind too. There is nothing in that contract that I would not present to my own bio son and would make my own bio sign it if he was moving back in. I refuse to be a SM doormat any longer.
Should have separate bedrooms
So H won't be tempted to make a copy of the key and give to skid24 or if it is a keyless lock, the passcode!
I think you need to approach
I think you need to approach your DH about the contract and tell him this.
A contract is the best way that we all know everyone is on the same page. The contract should also list consequences for failures to adhere to the agreement.
I would explain to your DH that the contract serves multiple purposes.
1. It means that you and DH have pre-agreed on expectations and are in agreement and you both are confident that the SS24 has signed the contract so has knowlege of the rules.
2. Which leads to the 2nd benefit, it is crystal clear for SS24. He knows what is expected so he can decide if he is willing and able to adhere to the rules. If he isn't.. he knows what his consequences are. It also gives him clear cut responsibilities in the home.. no wishy washy rules or chores to "misunderstand".
This actually can reduce conflict because it becomes not a "yelling" thing and interpretation thing but black and white. for example.. SS agreed he would clean his bathroom weekly and maintain it in presentable condition. SS agrees he will be in the home and not listening to tv, music or gaming after 10pm unless headphones are used. SS agrees he will pay X percent of the grocery bill on the 1st and 15th of each month.. etc.. crystal clear.
That's why her husband DOESN
That's why her husband DOESN'T want the contract, he doesn't want things to be crystal clear. The more ambiguous, the better. He can squirm out of holding his son accountable for anything. "Oh, is that what you meant? I didn't know."
I know.. but she can tell him
I know.. but she can tell him the reason why she WANTS it is that it will reduce conflict between her and her DH because they won't have to have that conflict..it's there.. in black and white.. you can't accuse me of changing the rules.. and I can't accuse you of going lightly on him
Guilty/Disney Daddy
does NOT want conflict resolved and WILL accuse OP of changing the rules when in fact H doesn't want any rules for his ne'er do well sponge skid. H will install wheels on the goalposts.
True Story!
You are exactly right. I got accused of "moving the goalposts," so after that it got written down & agreed to by DH, it got printed & taped to SS's bedroom door. That came in VERY handy in August, when DH had to keep his word and kick SS18 out for having ignored 3 if the 4 goals (and he baaaarely graduated; graduatuon was one of the 4 basics on the list).
Agree SS & DH better get with the contract... I'm in the same boat, facing potentially having SS move back here in January. DH does not want a contract and in fact a week ago, tearfully pleaded "Why does SS have to attend 2 weeks of community college before he can move back home?" and DH also said we need to let SS move back in without any additional rules. Those are both non-starters for me.
Agreed. Hopefully I am able
Agreed. Hopefully I am able keep my cool while presenting it. I never swear when I argue with DH but this is got me so mad it's hard not to f-bomb even trying to talk about it.
This is awful, My own bio 's
This is awful, My own bio 's can not come back and live with us for the record. We dont care IF they want a contract or not. It has nothing to do with bio's v step kids. It is a flat out no.
Once anyone moves in, stepping FOOT into your home, getting rid of them without a contract will not happend without Legal action. VERY VERY bad idea.
I am not sure when this contact and eviction crap started in family homes. It is nuts... It Use to be you could change locks. OR throw belongings on the front yard. This is serious stuff to evict squatters.
Thanks GOD my DH and I are on the same page. So sorry yours is not. HUGE NIGHTMARE for you.
I agree.
I agree.
DH and I agreed when we started living together that no other adult lives with us. It's hard on a relationship and it is hell getting them out, these days. You let someone "stay" with you long enough, and suddenly it's legally considered just as much their home as it is yours. NOPE.
If you know this is not going to work ou
WHY are you letting him move in the first place. SO is not going to do anything except gaslight you. Contract should have what is going to happen if SS does not live up to his part. Not a slap on the hand and saying not to do it again. Hope SS is paying rent, for room and board
Awesome son
stayed with us for about 4 mos before entering the air force. he worked B shift, helped out and played by the rules; never once intruding or doing anything even mildly annoying. Then he entered basic on time, has successfully completed basic and launched, got married, is going to grad school for mathematics and electrical engineering, recently got promoted twice in the AF, does honour guard and is about to close on their first house.
Thinkrice I can only dream
Thinkrice I can only dream that skid would be that successful. It is nice to hear that some kids work hard when offered a hand up.
I would be happy even if it results in skid getting himself squared away, following the rules, and being respectful.