she is sick of them and she wishes they would go the f@ck away.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your wife is just a crazy pants huh? A lot of steps feel this way but who the heck actually verbalizes it. Lol

I do sort of get your wifes frustration…I mean…you ARE paying for another womans bills and not hers. I would be damn if my DH would pay for another womans bills period. But I would not have married you for that reason so she knew what she was getting into.

I also get your frustration…I mean…she is crazy to your kids. She even said they are good kids but still hates them. And she is greedy. I would just keep up with the therapy for now, but I would watch her like a hawk around your kids. She sounds like the type to really upset the apple cart just so she gets her way.

Glad this is you and not me. I love my husband dearly...but any man told me he wished my kids would go the f*ck away, and he'd get his wish in a heartbeat. Kids and I would be gone in a flash.

Wouldn't matter if he were going to start therapy and work on his resentment and feelings. I would not put my kids through the time and process it would likely take.

Nope. No man worth that.

But that's me, and I'm not you. So good luck to you, Gunner. Whatever you do.

Kids do not come first in my marriage. I married by husband, and it's the two of us against the world. I am on his team and he is on mine, and neither one of us ever questions it. And our relationship is one of equals. He earns more than I do, but I am every bit his equal in all things.

Gunner, you aren't treating your wife as an equal, and you are actively prioritizing your children above her. And in her eyes, you are prioritizing your X, as well. You will pay any and all bills for your kids--even those that your XW should be covering--to maintain your kids' standard of living, but you want to divide the bills with your current wife. Apparently her well-being matters less to you than that of your kids--and of your XW, who lives for free in a house you own.

I wouldn't want to be in that marriage, but some to some people, that would be fine--as long as it was clear prior to the marriage, but it seems like you're changing the rules after the fact here because you're mad that your wife isn't happy. The money is a symptom, and so is her excessive resentment of your kids, but neither is the real issue in this marriage. This isn't a marriage of equals. You want to do what you want to do and you use money as a mechanism to do that.

Sounds like she just wants to feel like your ex is paying her fair share. Fair to you might mean that you pay 100% of the expenses... but fair to your wife might mean you don't pay for your ex's half... especially when you're making your wife pay hers.

Have you asked her what she expects you to do with the money you'd be saving by not paying more than half of the expenses when it comes to your kids?

Does she expect you to bank it, so that she can perhaps leave and take half with her? Do you have a pre-nup?

What would she think if you were to nix the cash hand-over to your ex, and instead, put the money in accounts for the kids? Or a trust?

People say things when they're upset. Hurtful things - because they want you to feel as badly as they do when they're not being validated.

Accepting your wife's anger and resentment about your kids doesn't mean you need to be in agreement with her about it... she is entitled to her feelings, and you do not have the right to tell her she's wrong for having them. She's fed up with situations... and unfortunately, though your kids aren't the cause of it, they ARE the tangible evidence that the issues remain unaddressed. She sees them, and thinks Oh Look at them in their expensive clothes... there goes more money!

It seems to come down to money with her. I don't think it's because you're spending... I think it's because she can't. She doesn't seem to be able to afford the standard of living you clearly want to maintain for everyone... and she seems to feel like you're willing to maintain it for everyone BUT her.

Feelings and perceptions aren't always based on the realities as you know them... they're based on the realities as SHE knows them. She sounds like she's at the end of her rope, and unfortunately she seems to believe that your kids are at the root of her issues. They are, indirectly...because after all, if you didn't have them, there wouldn't be these issues... but they are not the cause - she's misdirecting her frustration towards them, because they are what she sees. She can't see feelings. She can feel the feelings when she sees your kids.

It sounds like a stressful and unhappy situation, I am sorry for you both and for the kids because I am sure they sense it/feel it, too. I hope you can come together and create an actual united front together. It sounds like you are each more into your kids, separately than united at anything. Is that accurate? I just think, no matter what, hearing how she feels about your kids will be a tough one to recover from. For her and you and them. I don't have advise as I just can't relate -- but I hope the best for you all.

I think you're at a point where the irreconcilable differences are insurmountable. And I think you're both being unreasonable.

I haven't read all the comments to your previous posts but saw that there's a massive eruption the second your name shows up.

You have lifestyle differences, which is a major irreconcilable difference. Didn't you discuss all of this ahead of time? My DH and I discussed college, weddings, everything before we got married. My kids were 10 and 11 at the time.

Why would you expect to pay more above and beyond child support? If you are a high wage earner, child support is reflecting that. Any woman you marry is going to resent that.

Why would you pay more than half of private school for your kids? Their mother should be responsible for the other half. If you think you should you should give money freely to your first family/BM, above and beyond child support, why did you drag another woman into your personal mess?

On the other hand, why has she not filed for child support until now? Why does she expect you to subsidize her own children? I NEVER expected my DH to fund my children. I saved for their college. We both had good jobs but DH moved into my house. I would have never made a step into a bigger lifestyle and dragged my children into it with so many uncertainties about how finances would really shake out.

You are not responsible for paying her bills, but if you are throwing money around to your first family while she struggles, the optics look bad from her perspective.

Not sure why she doesn't resent you, rather than your kids. But at the same time, as a parent I could not recover from hearing my spouse say he wished my f#cking kids would go away.

Again, this is just based on what you have said in this post, and I know there were more details in other posts. But I think the circumstances and both of your unreasonableness have ended your marriage.

Gunner, I'm sorry to hear this. I do not find her counter proposal reasonable. If your wife's only path to happiness is to eliminate the presence of your children in her life there is no way to make her happy without leaving her.

My SD is quite an awful person and miserable to be around but I have never ever said to her dad I wish she would go away. I have always supported him being with her. It's true that he does not see the truth about her. If he came here he would undoubtedly describe her differently than I do and he would tell you how he feels sorry for her.

But I have objective facts on my side such as her rock bottom performance in school. Gunner also has some objective facts including the same: his kids do well in school. If my sd were the exact same horrible person in every way except did well in school my life would be sooooooooo much better. Doing well in school also tells you that these kids are capable of cooperation, respect for authority, and working at something. So I just don't see how it's possible that Gunner's kids are all that bad. They aren't. Yet his wife could harbor such a wish while I don't even about my sd.

It seems that maybe your wife has a dream in her head that her ex doesn't really exist and yours shouldn't either and it's really just the 2 of you. But reality keeps intruding and your kids are the proof of that reality as well as the cash. Perhaps her behavior stems from the frustration over the failure of her dream to become reality.

I would not agree to her terms. They are not a realistic counter offer. I'm glad she filed for cs but it's not enough. I expected her to want to tweak your proposal but not to decimate it.

Perhaps if she is that allergic to the sight of your kids she can become a part time wife. Get yourself a second place where you live with your kids during summer and other visits. She never has to see them. She won't see you during that time either and she will have to do all the cooking for her own kids and she will certainly have to support them 100% including tuition. I don't see how else she can achieve her goal of making them "go away" without flat out divorcing. Since you won't be having your kids in that house any more (and will need the money) you will probably have to sell it for a smaller one. She won't like that, either.

Basically, I don't see how you can make her happy at all if she does not change her expectations. I hope therapy finds some better paths forward for you two.

YAWN

Isnt this the same guy who left his kids at home the Friday night OF Fathers Day Weekend. Remember, his wife and he went out with their friends? It was a good time for all.... They came home around midnight and sat outside until approx. 2am

Wifes kids were fighting first thing in the morning. Wife went back and forth maybe 3 times to deescalate the situation. This guy gets up, Makes Breakfast on Fathers Day all the while wife stays in bed? This guy wrote it was his fault his wife was hung over. ?????

Will everyone please go BACK and read all of the posts he authored?

:?

CREW CREW CREW

Gunner. My prediction is that unless you can start treating your wife as a number one priority your marriage will NOT last. I'm sorry my friend but you need to realize that once u get married u and your spouse are a team. You are not a team with your ex and kids. You are there to raise the kids and parent but your wife comes first. Make changes and make them fast or it will be over. I was in your wife's situation and I left. I suspect she will do the same eventually.

If you marrry someone who makes much much less than you, it's unfair to refuse to help them with their bills. It's wise not get married then. If op makes ton of money as he previously said but wants to give all excess to his ex wife rather than help his current wife, then why did he even get married???? Especially got married to someone who makes much less?

Wall

My head

My head banging against the wall.

GUNNER LAND

So op wants to pay for them until they are 25? Say what? He is planning on them
still be dependent and live with mommy at 25? Huh? Instead of arguing with his wife he'd better start parenting his kids so they aren't immature losers at 25.

My DD had graduate degree and professional job and most certainly she wasn't dependent on mommy and daddy at 25. Who is still living with mommy at 25???? He plans his kids still live with mommy at 25? Wtf

I also find it silly that people whose kids didn't even go to college suggest that op supports his kids until they are fine with grad school. Crazy making

I am trying to do some math here, because I think this story is complete fiction.

Child support costs $4000? That's pretty hefty, but not unheard of. No idea what state it is in, but suppose it's a state that still applies a flat percent for the NCP based on the number of children. Illinois, for example, where I believe the percent for three children is or was 32% of NET income or something like that. So that would estimate his take home pay at $12,500 a month. Not bad. But let's reduce that by $4000 a month, and you're left with $8,500. Reduce it by the $1,000 he pays his ex-wife and you're left with $7500 a month.

Then lets look at private school education. A conservative estimate is $1000 a month per child. So for his own three children, $3000 a month, bringing the $7500 down to $4500. Don't know what the remainder is for skids after DW pays the deposit, but I have a very hard time thinking he can afford a fancy lifestyle with the remaining $4500 paying for 1)remainder of his skids private school, 2)paying for his own home (funding DW and her kids) and then 3)paying for the home where BM and his children live for free. And God forbid anything be left over for savings, retirement and the kids college.

I am just calling bull$shit.

I hope you get into therapy soon as it sounds like you're on the fence. I wouldn't need therapy. She'd be getting divorce papers from me.

I'm running with scissors!!!!

While wearing 5" stilettos.

And they're on fire.

The scissors AND the stilettos.

Almost 300 comments on this blog. Crikey.

Oh ffs. Do a household budget and split expenses based on income. Buy your kids a damn unicorn from your remaining funds if you want. Stop droning endlessly about the amazing lifestyle to which your kids are entitled. Stop talking about how you spend money on your wife because you like to "spoil her."

Sweet jeebus, it isn't this freaking hard. Babies could figure it out.

Gunner... for the love of God and all things good in this world. Be a man and become one with your wife in all ways. Including financially. If you don't your marriage is over.

What boggles my mind Gunner is that you have the ability to fix this. But you won't. I would leave you if you were acting this way. Marriage is suppose to be to have a partner to become one with in all way. Finances in my opinion should be shared. Decisions made together etc.

Good luck.

oh and I would love for your wife to come on this site and tell her side of the story. I feel like you may be omitting some details.??

As I read each comment my view changes but what I always come back to it the current wife is still getting the shit end of the stick.

What Gunner is doing for his ex and his kids is what we all would like the NCP to do. But he is going above and beyond what should be given to the ex. the extra money, the rent free house and all the extra's that the kids want. The ex is really only paying for food and utilities. She works. She surely should be able to pay for many other extra's. I get that Gunner wants to have his kids maintain the lifestyle as if he and his ex were still together. He should have never remarried.

Mrs. Gunner also works, has her kids with her as custodial parent. I would imagine that she was single for some time and was not living the life style that Gunner has lived and has provided to her. She should have been getting CS from kids biodad. I don't think she is a gold digger. I don't think she truly hates the Skids. I do think that she feels less than. As others have said she should be number 1 priority in her marriage to Gunner. I think she feels she is 3rd or 4th in the line. This is not fair to her. If Gunner is spending all his time, energy and money on the ex and his kids where does that leave her.

Gunner should take care of his kids. He also brought another family into his life that he should feel some responsibility for. What if Mrs Gunner was poor middle class. Now as it has been said she is UMC. This means a whole other life style. Means different clothes, different everything. If she is having to keep up with the joneses on her current salary for her and her children, Gunner is going to need to chip in. Gunner's kids were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. No changes needed. So Mrs Gunner now has to plan for a Switzerland vacation for the whole gang when before she could barely afford to take her kids to Disneyland for the day. Mrs Gunner sees all of this money going to his ex for her comfort but is struggling to keep up with her current status.

That would be enough for frustrate anyone. Gunner is using money as a tool to gain power in both houses. Mrs Gunner was a single mom. We all know what she is made of. So on top of feeling less than she has to step up to the Crest she is currently living. Pretend like she fits in. Let the spoiled brats run her house her life and beg for a tiny morsel for her kids. This is all before expecting CS from her kids biodad who is working a little higher than minimum wage back in poor middle class land. His CS payment would only pay for the pool boy for one weekend at Gunner's house.

I don't think it would be hard for me to say I don't want the skids around. Again the problem is not the skids it is Gunner and Mrs Gunner's communication skills. Neither of them are being upfront and honest with each other about their situations or feelings.

Gunner, my 2 cents

see comments next to her counter

*No extras period, no cash no checks nothing beyond child support - fine, but I will open a trust account in each child's name and deposit money in there for them to do with what ever they want - see maybe your wife thinks your kids are spoiled, seems like they are, but heck you can afford it, maybe it's time now to teach them about money management.

*She wants me to pay for half of private school for my kids and not 1 cent more - again, I will pay half of my kids stuff, not only school but medical, clothing, sports etc.

*She will file for child support, she filed last week - thank you honey

*She wants me to go back to paying her bills - Oh HELL NO.....

*She made her own therapy appointment to help her get over the resentment (her word) of my kids

Gunner, when you and future Mrs. Gunner were preparing to marry and doing your pre-nup, why didn't you do all this 'who pays what' and 'whose kid/s get this and that'?

Being how the after marriage 'I hate your kids' negotiating is being offered and countered offered, it's ridiculous to think the pre-nup back and forth were not as meticulously drawn up.

Perhaps your next chapter in the Gunner Saga could be what my ex and my divorce settlement was (why didn't BM get the house in the settle instead of this silly 'until the last one graduates' ). And also what the current Mrs. Gunner gets if she dumps your *ss tomorrow from the pre-nup.

$200,000 plus a year minus everything ex got and still gets (including the ex and her children with you), in addition to everything current Mrs. Gunner would get in the event of divorce. It just might be an interesting exercise as to just how pretty (or ugly) all your story characters and yourself are sitting when this marriage blows up.

I'm thinking the only people still smiling and standing would be your two ex wives and all five children.