I'm the bio mom in the situation where I have a good relationship with my ex's girlfriend.... I attribute the fact that we all get along so well to the fact that when my ex husband and I broke up, there was nothing left unresolved. We had both tried to make the marriage work and in the end, we both knew that it was just not meant to be. I didn't ever want him back, and he didn't ever want me back. When he met his girlfriend (of 2 years now) and I met my now dh (of 2 years now) we were both genuinely happy for one another.
My ex's girlfriend is amazing.... she loves my daughter as her own, which to me as earned her the shared title of "mom".

On other hand, my son's dad and I do get along (we were never married) as long as his wife is doesn't know about it; however his wife still makes it very hard. That is because she is jealous and cannot get over her jealously of our past 'relationship' (if you can even call it that). In addition, she uses my son and does not treat him with integrity or respect.

In regards to where I am the step-mom, my dh's ex and I do not get along.... dh's ex cheated on and left my dh 3 times.... the third time around he said goodbye forever but she decided AGAIN that she wanted him back.... Not because she loved him but because he made life much easier for her. When I came into the picture, she saw me as the barrier between her and my dh getting back together.... of course it had NOTHING to do with HER own actions!

The bottom line is that I believe that the exs and new spouses get along with one another when nothing was left unresolved by the ex couple.... when EVERYONE is able to put the kids needs first and Everyone is happy and secure and able to resolve their issues and move forward with their own lives it seems to work out where you just naturally get along.

That was exactly it.... she just does not want to see dh happy, or doing better than herself... Once I entered the picture she was no longer allowed to push around dh and that REALLY pissed her off.

Daddysgirl You Rock!
I need some lessons on how to be Nice and Mean all at the same time. You probably made her cry. You big meany! j/k Lol! I think she will get the point. My favorite part is : "you will have to contact DH for the most part, (please don't take advantage of that… confirming for a 3rd time that you are picking him up early on Saturday is not needed and of COURSE we will let you know about the dentist, that stuff is common sense and DH posses common sense. It is just an annoyance to him when you do that, and you know he never responds anyways)" Nicely said.
You make us proud! I hope she tries to use this in court. The judge will laugh in her face.
Keep us posted on her response to the letter.
Kim

I'm a step and bio. But like mocha...the bio hates me. I think because it's easier for her to see me as the barrier rather than having to look at her own actions and infidelities as the reason why her former husband wants nothing to do with her.

And I agree with ex's having unresolved issues as the #1 reason for NOT getting along...(at least being civil)Whether that is their own mental health issues..or unresolved repationship/jealousy issues still centered around their ex.

I don't think my Ex's GF has any issues with me..not major ones anyway..as a matter of fact. We sat beside each other at my daughters game today. They sat next to me. We all can chat, even laugh together once in a while..mind you..we are not buddies...there are boundaries.

But we both have a place in my childrens lives..and I think the key to to having a working relationship with ex's etc..is having some measure of respect for each other...and having manners & civility.

I have no unresolved relationship issues with my ex. I've moved on..I'm, glad he's moved on....but my hubby's ex..whoa!!!!! I'm going to start a new blog telling a little story of what I should expect at the wedding next week

Take Care
Lovin-life

There were lots of growing pains in the beginning...

1) Once I came along, she couldn't count on him to do "husbandly" things, like fix her car, install new things in her home, replace burnt out lightbulbs, etc. He would still do handy-man type stuff in her home for some time after they split up because she didn't have anyone else to do it and his kids lived there, so why not?! But after we got together he stopped doing that kind of stuff. He stopped all on his own, not because I asked him to stop, because he knew it was inappropriate to have a "joblist" at "their" house, even though his kids still lived there, because it was no longer his home. She had a hard time with that, but eventually she bought a new house and, apparently, there's not much that needs done anymore.

2) After their third child, she got fixed. DH did not. When she remarried, she couldn't have a child with her new husband. When he remarried, he COULD and DID have another child with me. Plus, he adopted my son. He never offically adopted the child she conceived with someone else via an affair, although he did agree to put his name on the birth certificate. That had to have smarted. I found out that she consulted a fertility specialist to have her tubes untied, but apparently, they were knotted good and sound because she hasn't yet reproduced and I don't think she ever can. She had a really hard time with that, to the point of taking him back to court for more CS. (She ended up with much less.) I think, as she's gotten older, the baby thing probably wore off and she's achieved some comfort knowing that we will ALWAYS pay the CS, no matter how many kids WE have together, no matter what else happens, the CS always gets paid. I think she also realizes that I accept the child that's not biologically his and that DH, too, will always think of her as "his" kid.

3) There was some heartburn because I'm pretty hands on and treated her kids just like I did my own. They didn't just like me, they LOVED me and she didn't much like that. But I can understand that and have never been in her face about it. I've been respectful of her position as the MOM, even though she's never much liked me being the STEPMOM. I don't think she was thrilled to have me there mothering her kids during DH's visitation. She probably felt like I was trying to take her place. I think over time she's come to accept that I'm here to stay, that I do love her children, that I know I'm not their mother, that I would never try to come between her and them, that I want to include them in our family, that I would never alienate them from their dad, that I think of them as adding to our family rather than taking away from it and that I genuinely care about them and intend to be there for them throughout their lives. I've taken a lot of crap from her and from them, but I haven't stopped loving them, so maybe she's finally realized that my feelings for them come from the heart and are not superficial.

4) She's always been very secretive, not wanting us to have info about the kids, like report cards, medical records, etc. I think she was afraid we'd find out that she's a bad mother. Well, we never thought she was a "bad" mother, exactly, but it's never been a secret that she wasn't perfect, either. We used to try really hard to get this info on our own, just so that we could stay in the loop and make sure all the doctor's bills got paid and the teachers knew that we wanted to be included. Over time, though, we've let all that go because we got sick of the screaming phone calls from her that we were overstepping. DH doesn't share legal or physical custody, he only has visitation rights. So we decided to let her "win" that battle and we just stopped trying. If she wants the bills paid, she can send 'em. If she doesn't, she doesn't get any money. Problem solved, stress avoided on both sides.

5) The last hostility-causing problem has always been visitation. We lived five hours away and he was supposed to get the kids EOW, two weeks in the summer and alternating holidays. We've had them on Christmas ONE time in SIX years and that is THE only holiday we've ever gotten them. Not one single Father's Day, not one single birthday, not one single Thanksgiving, not even one single Fourth of Freaking July. This used to cause MAJOR heartburn, screaming matches on the phone, abusive emails, withholding of visitation for over a year at a time, etc. Then we moved several states away and can't get the kids for visitation, anyway. Now that we are no longer asking to get them, she can't deny him anymore and that problem has been resolved.

It sucks, because the skids are only in our lives via telephone and email. We send presents, cards, gifts, etc. on special occasion. DH doesn't call them enough and they don't call him hardly at all, but that has gotten better. I email them regularly, although I seldom hear back from them. The BM did send school pictures this year, which were the first pictures we've seen of the kids in two years. It's not a great situation, because we miss them a lot and want them to be a regular part of our family, but we don't have anywhere near as much BM drama as we did before.

Time and distance is what improved our situation with the BM, but it's also what has worsened oru situation with the skids. Sad, but true.

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

Anne, I can only hope that if things don't improve with our situation that we can learn to let things go too. I don't know that I can - not in my personality. But I know I need to, and will try ...

~ Katrina

~ Katrina