Another weekend I feel so done
This weekend we didn't have the skids but we spent the whole weekend going to their activities. Both are in HS. One is a freshman and one a senior. Last night we sat through a football game. It kind of chaps my hide when SD14 runs over to hug dad and say goodbye and doesn't even acknowledge my existence. I make a comment about it to DH because that's the kind of thing that he's be pissed about if my kids did. He always makes excuses. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it. Really? She's not 6 anymore! She's in HS! He always makes it feel like it's me against the 3 of them. Today we we went to a band competition for the senior. First I wanted to puke the whole time he kept touching her face and brushing her hair behind her ears. It was just plain weird. I feel like they are more intimate than us! After we left and went to dinner with friends, she kept texting him about how she had no one to hang out with. This made DH have an awful time because he felt guilty that she was "alone." I can't understand how she has been in band for 4 years and doesn't have a single friend. DH got all on edge and we had to leave early. He got all snippy with me making me realize that I'm truly alone here. My family nor my kids are here. All I have is DH and when he can turn on me in a heartbeat because of daddy guilt it makes me feel so lonely. They are planning on sending SD off to college next year. I pray she makes it. She's never done anything on her own and hasn't made any friends through HS. That can all make college tough. I pray and pray things get better.
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Last year, I went to every
Last year, I went to every football game and was only acknowledged when DH said to his son, "aren't you going to thank StrugglingSM for coming?" Then that same kid made some joke that I was a stalker because I had been to all of his games. I haven't gone to any this year. No reason to go if I'm not wanted.
Fortunately for me, my DH will not change plans we have if it's not his weekend. If he ever decides to cut our plans short to entertain a stepchild who is old enough to entertain themselves, then I'd be really annoyed with him.
Crazy thing is, he didn't
Crazy thing is, he didn't even tell her to acknowledge me. I made a smart comment when she walked off like "oh you are even going to tell me goodbye? What am I? Chipped liver?" That's when he defends her. Oh she didn't mean anything by it. Really? She's a teenager. She meant something by it! It's not our skid weekend and we spent Thur, Fri and Sat at their events. Last weekend when we had them it was date night for him and skids. They need their alone time you know! I'd understand it more if I got alone wife time too!
Seriously, you need to
Seriously, you need to disengage. Stop paying attention to SD and her antics which are purely for your benefit. S-l-o-w-l-y start to back out of these events make sure you have plans on those dates and stick to them the more you participate in the theatrics the more the theatrics will continue
I too agree with Thinkthrice.
I too agree with Thinkthrice. Disengage ASAP. No one deserves to be treated like that. A simple hello is common courtesy. You are not obligated to go to any games. So the fact that you show up should be greatly appreciated.
My SSons started giving me their butt to kiss last summer. I finally had enough and disengaged. This summer was all about me and DH.
Stop going to the events! I
Stop going to the events! I slowly stopped going to all their pointless activities so that the BM Brigade (Girhippo's townspeople) could shoot hate stares at us from the bleachers. My time is valuable and needs to be spent wisely. Sorry about the mini wife behaviour.
When you're disengaging from these activities act like the standard PASed out skid..."Oh sorry can't make (replace the word "visitation" with skid's pointless activity) I have to do (insert activity you need to do--example: summer to fall clothing change over.)"
I agree. Don’t feel obligated
I agree. Don’t feel obligated to attend skid events. If you go to spend time with DH then remember that is the main purpose and ignore SD ignoring you. But if going to these events is too stressful and actually damaging your relationship with DH then don’t do it. Personally I think one of the (few) perks of being a stepmom is I don’t have to drive all over the place at ungodly times of the day to watch kids play boring sports horribly. I take great pleasure in waving DH out the door with a “have fun!”
There is nothing in the SM
There is nothing in the SM Playbook that says you have to be at every game or event.
I was one of those who thought I had to-- it was so boring I wanted to come to tears.
Seems like DH & SD enjoy this sadistic game of the love triangle where you are chasing after DH and he is chasing after SD. put a halt to it by simply not going to any of these little ditties.
If DH objects that you are not going to every game And tries a guilt trip line "you are not being supportive of SD; you just need to try harder; you are the adult here; you are just jealous or the tried-and-true, you hate my kid," simply return fire by saying "that's interesting you should say that" and leave it at that.
Engaging in their little antics makes it easier for you to look like a fool and/or jealous which is just what they want.
If my husband fawned all over
If my husband fawned all over his (non-existent) daughter like this I would seriously consider myself the 3rd wheel in the relationship. I wonder if these men really want a wife or whether they want someone to keep them company when Skids aren't around.
If he uses the phrases "You hate my kids/ you should be more supportive/ you are the adult... blah blah blah," I would use the phrase thinkthrice suggested or say "This is time for you and your girls. They don't want silly me around. Ask them. I am sure they don't mind if I am not there."
In my mind I am disengaged
In my mind I am disengaged because I just don't want to be at those events any longer because of all the above things. I worry if I don't go that it will put a wedge between DH and I. He lives and breathes the skids and I never live up to what he wants me to be for them. I never do enough with them according to him yet I can't act like this is my house or even an adult and correct them. I really don't want to attend all these things. For example next week is SD's senior night where they walk on the field. DH and BM will be walking her. I will be sitting in the stands alone. He didn't go when my daughter had hers. He went to skids game that night. Now I'm finding out that my kids will be in town for break so I really don't want to take away from my kids either. I know it will probably start a fight. Am I wrong for refusing to go? In my heart I know SD will silently be rejoicing!
Don't worry about how SD will
Don't worry about how SD will feel. Do what you need to do for yourself. Stop going to events. If DH has a snit, let him have his snit. Read Co-Dependent No More. You don't need to offer reasons or excuses. Just tell him to have a good time as you shut the door behind him!
Happy - stop going to the
Happy - stop going to the events, DH can be angry or what ever, smile and say - still not going thank you I have plans.
Disengage, DH will get over it.
Why do you keep going over
Why do you keep going over and over and expecting different results? Stop going.