How do you cope?
I'm here to vent and ask how to cope with a situation. First of all, please don't say talk to DH. I haven't posted in awhile, but if you've ready anything that I've posted, you would know there is no talking to DH about the skids. He thinks that they are perfect and do no wrong. In a sense he's a Disney dad as he won't say anything to them that might hurt their feelings. So 19sd dropped out of college and wanted to come home. DH told her if she came back she would have to get a job. She does go to tech school like two days a week and lives with BM. She is now hanging at our house all the time. She comes over like every other day and for some reason every Saturday is hanging here. Well today I was so grossed out. We have tons of seating room in our family room and she comes over to sit on DH's lap. She just sat there with her arms around his neck. She would have stayed there all night if he let her. He finally got up to do something so she got up. It's just gross. She's 19! The other thing, I mention to DH earlier she doesn't seem to be working weekends. He takes up for her saying she goes in later, blah blah. Well I asked her if she was working the next day and she said no. Come to find out, she told her work she can't work weekends. She does nothing on weekends but hang out!!! She's already said she can't work next semester because she will take more hours in tech school. DH mentioned she could work weekends and she shrugged it off. Rather than try to push her to instill some sort of work ethic in her he would rather say nothing. If I were to bring it up to him it would be a massive argument. How do I keep these feelings inside to avoid an argument? Her hanging out here all the time not wanting to work and sitting in DH's lap just aggravates me. Oh yeah, he has said he wants to spend more time with the skids too and start doing even more with them!!!
- Happycamper's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Leave the house when she is
Leave the house when she is there and go do your own thing. Short of that, there is nothing you can do if you can't talk to your husband about it.
If bm is paying for her and
If bm is paying for her and she is not asking for money why does she need to work weekends? Not everyone has to conform to your work ethic standards. As long as it doesn’t affect you then it really isn’t any of your business. When she is asking for money from your husband and yourself then it sure will be your business then. Dad could ask her about her savings and her plan for the future but it sounds like you don’t really have the kind of relationship with her that would make that conversation welcomed.
Avoiding being around her if she bothers you so much. Tell your husband not to let her come over or leave the house when she is there.
I would just straight out ask them if they were going to be having sex later if I thought they were acting inappropriately, she is 19 not 14, no need to be coy.
Well I guess it bothers me
Well I guess it bothers me because she complains constantly about living with BM. She doesn't like BM having a boyfriend. They've been together like 6 years now. BM and her fight because BM says she's trying to ruin her relationship with her BF. I can see her doing that because that's how she is. She has asked DH to move in with us a couple of times. We have had arguments about it. He has said if she isn't happy with her life at home he won't turn her away. That means that we will be having to take on her bills and that will definitely put us in a financial pickle. We are still paying child support on his other child. There is one thing her staying if she worked to help pay bills but she won't. I guess I feel like he needs to teach her it's important to be financially responsible than to move from adult to adult to take care of you so you can lay around all of the time. Lately she just shows up without letting us know she's coming. We usually don't lock our door but started because she just walks in when we aren't even expecting her. She just has way too much time on her hands. Lol.
“Sd you are an adult, you
“Sd you are an adult, you have the ability and time to earn enough money to live somewhere other than with your mother if she bothers you that much” then walk out of the room. Repeat every time. Or just walk out of the room when she starts up if you’d rather avoid the conflict.
Oh and I just remembered the step talk classic advice of videoing dad and daughter being inappropriate together and playing it back for dad later. Apparently that usually works to show dad’s how weird their interactions look. Could show sd too as she is an adult.
Ultimately though if you can’t talk to your husband you have a relationship problem bigger than a step daughter problem.
First of all. DO NOT
Let her move in with you. That a hill to died on. Other then cutting off her money, there nothing you can do.
Yes, this is a relationship
Yes, this is a relationship problem. He seems to feel that you should have no say in your own home as to how often his ADULT child is allowed to come over and hang out, and whether or not she moves in.
If my SS19 was hanging out here all the time, I would let DH know it bothered me and he would put a stop to it. Frankly, it would bother HIM, too, so he wouldn't allow it.
My SS is doing nothing with his life, supported entirely by BM and literally sleeping and/or playing video games all the time. I don't say a peep to him about it - it's not my problem. DH addresses it, but what he can do if BM is willing to support the lazy slug?
The issue for me here would not be how she behaves, it would be that DH seems to think you get no say over anything in your own home. You shouldn't have to leave your own home so his adult offspring can hang out there.
Agree with others.
Agree with others. Relationship problem. Not SD ptoblrm. I had a problem like that in my previous steplife. Adult SD moved in and ex would allow her all kind of nonsense. We constantly fought because I demanded changes and him and him and SD wouldn’t make changes. I ended a relationship when SD said she’ll stay with us for 3-5 more years and ex said nothing. That was the day when i was done
Yes I have asked for help
Yes I have asked for help COPING with the situation. It is not a situation that I have any control or any say so in. It's like when it comes to the skids I cannot say a word. Even if I'm giving great advice I'm not allowed to do it. Somehow I become the evil one. I want to know what I can do short of speaking because words don't work. I'm frustrated and trying to cope instead of leaving!
Doesn't sound like you would
Doesn't sound like you would be the one leaving... he would.
True!!!
True!!!
Well, your only option then,
Well, your only option then, is to leave the house when your SD is there.
I personally would not live like that, but many women on this board do find that to be a way to cope with their difficult stepkids and save their marriage - they minimize their contact with them.
Every Month a new post
I read your previous posts -
Its YOUR house.
Everything is in YOUR name.
In my book, you are in the power position here. The mini-wife needs to work, and if she comes over, she needs to alert you.
Is your DH's name still on things at the ex-es place?
When will you get your DH to marriage counseling? You have a DH problem here, as well as an ex problem and SD issue, but mainly the DH. He gaslights you, manipulates you, uses your money and support.
DO not leave your home, demand respect from DH.
He finally got his name off
He finally got his name off of her house a couple months ago. You know what it started then? He wants me to refinance and add his name to our home. I refuse to do it because I put down all of the cash and heaven forbid this doesn't work out he isn't getting my equity! He was in no hurry to get his name off the ex's house so why be in a hurry to add his name to mine! Right?!
Camper--you said your
Camper--you said your frustrated and trying to cope without leaving.
I know you said you don't want to hear...talk with hubby. Have you actually made statements?
DH I need you to know that I am not interested in any of the kids moving back into this house, not now and not anytime in the future. (period)...Please tell the kids to call first before walking right in the house. I do not think seeing me naked is on their bucket list. OR you could say...I am going to tell the kids to call first I am tired of them just walking in the house without notice. Its good manners DH and rude of them NOT to.
There camper you made your announcement. You didn't ask for permission, its direct and you didn't pussy foot around. Its not being ugly ...The adults who pay the mortgage OR owns the home sets the rules.
goodluck,,,
we actually had this fight at
we actually had this fight at the beginning of summer when Sd19 talked to him and told him she wanted to move in with us. I hate when they talk about it as if I'm not a part of it. That same week we took her to dinner and she had made the comment how she wasn't going to work at all during the summer to enjoy herself. I commented to her that she should work as much as she can in her free time to save money for a rainy day... car breaking, getting her own place, school, shopping etc. after she got out of the car we had a knock down drag out because he said I over stepped my boundaries and it wasn't my place to tell her that. Well I told him them that she would NEVER move into our house because I would have say so in her working. Since then he's said he won't deny helping her if she needs it and if she needs a place to stay we will give it to her. That's his words not mine. He knows my feelings. I told him the only time we fight is over her. Obviously she's more of a priority than keeping a happy marriage. I'm just wasting my breath at this point.
Disparity in finances
I am in the same boat as far as making more money than DH. When we first got married it seemed as if DH thought it was a benefit to him but shortly afterward began to resent the power I had. We have been married 28 years and during that time he has been able to live a much better life than he would have. But at the same time he has had resentment issues. Several people on the site have advised not marrying a man with kids. The same should go for a man who makes less than you do. don't try to finanjcially help out - ever. It will never be appreciated.