Typical weekend rant
It’s skids weekend. The time DH’s whole attitude towards me changes. He got mad at me before they even showed up because I wasn’t showing signs of excitement about them getting there. I’m supposed to look like I miss them and be ranting about how I can’t wait for them to arrive. What a way to put me in the mood. Let’s start off saying what I’m already doing wrong. I had told DH about a new park I wanted to take the skids to. Yes I do at least try! He told them Friday night about it. Saturday we wake up and one SD wants to go do something else. The younger wants to just sit inside and watch tv all day. Yes this was the first pretty day we’ve had in months! DH insists we sit on the couch and do anything she wants. We were taking them both to dinner. SD15 had somewhere else to go. SD almost 18 said she wouldn’t be home so him and I were gonna go to dinner. Next thing you know he’s begging SD18 to come home and go with us. I’m getting told that I need to “go with the flow” on the skids weekends because it’s up to them what or how we spend our weekend. I was buying play tickets for their next visit but that isn’t happening now. They would probably not feel like going. Oh yeah also SD 15 wouldn’t eat anything that I had in the house for lunch. Nothing appealed to her so of course he had to get her a pizza because that’s all that would make her happy. I’m a go with the flow person but not to where my life becomes chaotic. Ugh!!!
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Although we did sometimes
Although we did sometimes plan special things for SD's weekend, her visitations were not just about her. They were about spending time with her dad, which meant being with him, whatever he was doing. If that was grocery shopping or raking leaves, that's what it was. It was never up to her how we spent our entire weekend.
And why would YOU be excited about them coming? They are not your children.
The expectations some of these men put on their partners is mind boggling. My husband has never expected me to feel the same about his daughter as he does. She.is.not.mine.
Went through all this when
Went through all this when SDs were 9 and 10. What did I do? Disengage. Don't plan, don't purchase tickets, don't buy special food. All of that is up to your DH. He gets mad? I couldn't care less. He is so insistent on Disney then he can do it.
I'd BUY a ticket. For
I'd BUY a ticket. For myself.
These skids are 15 and 18? Your DH's scheduled visitation time with them is winding down - especially with the 18yo. Encourage him to spend as much quality time with her as possible before she's too busy living her own life. }:)
I guess I’m avoiding the
I guess I’m avoiding the argument over how terrible of a SM I am not wanting to spend time and dote over the skids. His best friends girlfriend goes above and beyond for her boyfriends kids and he always sees that. I hate to argue. Hate it.
I hate arguing too. So agree
I hate arguing too.
So agree with him. Tell him you are not like his best friends GF, you are you.
If he says you are a bad SM agree with him. You are a bad SM but you don’t want to waste your weekends fighting with him and/or the skids.
Put the ball in his court. Let him decide if he wants a relationship with you but they have to be based on who you are, not who he wants you to be.
You have to do the same.
Do you want to be with him, when he allows the skids to dictate your weekends?
Its so hard when you and DH
Its so hard when you and DH are not on the same page. It is like fighting a brick wall, impossible to win.
It took us years of this to finally have some normalcy of expectations in our home. And sometimes we still find ourselves in the same battle.
A therapist was a godsend. Both individual and as a couple. We realized where we each were going wrong and no longer try to force the other to 'feel' a certain way.
Skids are his kids. His time with them. If you choose to join or make plans, great.
Sounds like your DH is still looking for that big happy family feeling. He needs to personally work through why that is not a possibility and not put the blame on you.
Hon, stop trying. Let them
Hon, stop trying. Let them do their own thing-don't make plans. Make your plans. Otherwise go w/the flow is likely to get you least aggravated then broken plans. They are getting older and should be looking forward to doing their own thing more.
Seriously, stop trying. When
Seriously, stop trying.
When he says you are not excited they are coming be absolutely honest with him. Tell him the truth, No you are not excited.
You will never be excited, they are not your children and their company doesn’t excite you.
You will go places that they want to go, you’ll hang out with them but your never going to feel what he’s feeling.
And as others have said, don’t plan stuff. If DH says what should we do with the skids this weekend, say “Let’s wait and see what they’d like to do”
Do we have the same DH? My
Do we have the same DH? My DH’s behavior changes completely as well, but not only do I have to hear about how I’m not excited enough, I also have to deal with his hurt and frustration that his kids aren’t excited enough to see him and are totally ungrateful.
I used to plan things, but between SSs or DH not wanting to do whatever I planned, I just gave up.
I realize being a divorced dad must be emotionally challenging, but seriously, I shouldn’t have to be the outlet for all of DH’s unresolved issues from his divorce...
I can’t stand how he is when
I can’t stand how he is when it comes to the skids. He is so overly defensive about everything!!! I have no rights, can’t comment on anything. I’m supposed to pretend they are perfect because that’s what he sees and has convinced himself. They just left and we ended up in a knock down drag out. Mind you about something stupid. I asked a question about one of BM’s family members and he got soooo defensive. I’m pretty sure he was holding anger from a comment I made earlier. He had told the kids that he was salesman of the year. I just said after they left, let’s take bets how long it will be before BM asks for more money. Anytime we go on a vacation or buy a car she immediately demands more money. He blew up at me and went and locked himself in the bedroom. He is always defensive when it comes to her or her side of the family. I don’t understand that at all.
Sorry... skids coming over
Sorry... skids coming over doesn't mean I turn into a resort maid nor a concierge, ready and willing to jump through hoops to get the guests what they want.
It's MY weekend with DH. It's OUR weekend. Skid/kids are included in OUR plans. Not the other way around. If they don't like it, they can have a straw.