How have they been cancelling on the weekends they are supposed to come, but it's been months since you had a skid free weekend?

typical man....

Now simply plan your week-end and stick to it..... if DH gets angry smile and say, well I know we are legally married but you treat your ex wife more then a wife then me, you make plans with her and not me, thus I assumed I'm on my own.

It's up to you if this is going to stop or not HappyC, you do not have to put your life on hold for his children, go out and enjoy your life, let him deal with the brats, and yes I would've told him... Oh so you heard me when I said it before and when are you going to do something about it then..

I’m not sure how many more ways he can show you that he doesn’t care about your wants and needs. He is right that you need to quit repeating yourself and make a choice- accept things the way they are or leave. He isn’t changing a thing for you, so constantly bringing up the things you want him to do differently is just going to anger you both. Accept it or move on, because right now neither of you are happy.

A court order should be followed PERIOD.

Back when ss wasn't with us full time, it started getting a little erratic near the end... dh was working longer hours, on the weekend, and because he was missing more time with ss, I didn't really say anything when ss ended up with us when he wasn't supposed to be.

After a while, when the longer hours quieted down, dh was STILL taking ss whenever he could, including on our kid free friday nights. Eventually, he told me he was getting ss that Friday...and we went back and forth a little, because I said I really preferred he not get ss that night, it had been a while since we had any alone time.

he got upset with me - when I aske dhim why he was upset, he said it was because I was preventing him from seeing his son. I told him that I'm not, that in fact for the last few months we'd had ss on the nights dh had given me his word we would have to ourselves, and is he really actually mad at me for asking him to stick to his word? Should I be mad at him for having broken his word for the last few months?

He changed his tune really quickly.

Of course, that's out the window since we've had ss full time.. but I still insist on taking some times to ourselves now and then, even if it's just an hour or two.

You should just say to him, "no the correct answer is...that weekend you're planning sounds great...and if your kids call and want to come over that weekend, you say, "sorry, you can't come this weekend because we already have plans, you should come next weekend."

No need to let his kids call all the shots. If they don't want to come for their weekends, that's fine, but they can't expect you to just drop everything and be around when they feel like they'd want to see their dad (or when they need something from their dad).

Your DH doesn’t care about following the court order. He is fine with letting BM and the skids call the shots. You aren’t going to be able to change his view on this. Keep venting here if it helps alleviate the frustration, and I’m sorry your DH is so pigheaded and clueless. You deserve better!

Your marriage needs to be recalibrated, full stop. And you need to find your spine and practice saying things like "No" and "That doesn't work for me". Until you become a force to be reckoned with instead of a doormat, your H will continue to do what works best for him and HIS family.

Some men are able to draw boundaries and problem solve within their various relationships; some don't have that skillset or the intestinal fortitude to effect change. Your H falls into the latter group. This means that YOU CAN'T RELY ON HIM to care abut your best interests. So, you can nag, complain, vent, have conversations, etc, which achieves NOTHING, or you can face your reality squarely and start taking care of yourself.

In order to change the dynamic you must first change yourself, and this is done with actions, not words:
^Separate the finances, and create a worksheet listing your H's monthly obligations including the due dates.
^Join a club, group, or activity, making yourself less available.
^Plan a weekend getaway. Tell your H about it ONCE. If he doesn't make time to go, don't make an issue of it. Simply say "That's too bad" and GO. Enjoy a stress free weekend with your best friend - YOU. Do not communicate with your H, and stay off social media. Return refreshed and serene.
^Schedule a regular date night. When something skid related pops up (and it will), go alone.

You need to stop hoping for crumbs and start nourishing yourself. Stop allowing the people in your H's life to impact you. Your H has your number; he knows you're all talk and he's able to manage that while prioritizing his own wants and needs. Adopt a serene, matter of fact manner (no snark, nothing punitive) and go about the business of taking care of you.