Will it ever work?
So I'm in that 2nd marriage where the two sets of kids never geled. They haven't been together a whole lot but neither side will talk to the other when they are together. Of course DH blames my kids. It's ok for his to leave the room when mine visit or get on the phone because they don't feel "comfortable." We've been married 5 years now. Mine are older and both in college while both of his are in high school. They are rarely together but neither side cares to know the other. Even this weekend my DH made a stupid comment about a family friend being like the son he never had. I said, you have a son (meaning mine.) SD said who's your son? It's like we have two separate families. I've learned to accept it but there are times like tonight DH says how much it bothers him that we aren't one big family like most other people. It's something you can't force. I hate it too but there's nothing more we can do. Will this ever truly work? He's also always talking about taking his kids on a vacation. I say we either all go or we take mine on one too. Their dad takes them on trips, why shouldn't I? Reality is we couldn't afford all these vacations anyway but I also don't want to spur jealousy on either side and take one set of kids. I'd rather no family vacation than that. He keeps going on and on about taking his on a trip. Any advice? I'm feeling defeated.
- Happycamper's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Honestly it sounds like the
Honestly it sounds like the family never melded together and I don't really see it changing now that yours are basically adults and his are quickly on their way.
He's made it clear he doesn't consider your son his which you have to decide if your ok with that or not and how to handle it. Do you want to break up your marriage over full grown children? Do you expect your kids to consider him their dad? Is it worth a fight?
As for vacation there is a difference. His kids are still minors while yours are adults.
I'm 4 years older than my sister. I "moved out" at 17 to work the summer before college then basicly lived at college while visiting my parents on breaks. I didn't expect my family to include me in everything since I was an adult on my own. Sure if I was home and they went to the movies I went too but there were times I paid for myself while my mom covered my sister. Again she was a minor.
Reality: You are not one big
Reality: You are not one big family. Your son is not his son.
I get it. I know we aren't
I get it. I know we aren't one big happy family. I have accepted it...a long time ago. What bothers me is that he keeps going on and on about how that's what he wants, yet he doesn't treat mine like his own. When they are in one room, it's always my kids fault for some reason that they don't gel. It's not the fact that his 17 year old goes and sits outside to get away from everyone when mine are there. He makes us excuses for her but always blames the not geling on mine. I know it won't happen. Probably ever. I've accepted that. He tries to make me feel bad about accepting it saying things like, family is important to me. I thought it was to you too when we met. It's either let this tear us apart, or accept it and go on with our lives. Either way, I want him to be as kind to mine as he is to his own..even if it's just an act when we are with them. Make me feel like mine are important to you like I do for your children. I spend more time with my skids...I go to every event that they have in school and outside of school. I make an effort to be in their lives. I guess I just want the nit picking to stop. We are never going to be the Brady Bunch.
"... I want him to be as kind
"... I want him to be as kind to mine as he is to his own ..." Now, that is an unrealistic expectation on your part which mirrors his perceived unrealistic expectations.
Yours are adults who are out of the house in college, while his two minor kids are still in high school & live at home. Completely different places in family lifespan.
I have a Yes and No feeling
I have a Yes and No feeling on this response.
Yes.. the kids are in different places... college and out of the house vs minors in HS.
Regarding a vacation.. some families still take their college aged kids on vacations but some do not. I don't see it being a problem to take the "still at home" kids somewhere and not necessarily having the older kids along. (as long as OP isn't footing the bill for a share of those other kids".
However, I do think that she should expect that he is just as "kind" to her kids as she is to his. That doesn't necessarily mean that they are treated the same...but that he doesn't nit pick either.
I think my question to OP is
I think my question to OP is how many, if any, whole family vacations took place while all four children were minors?
Did OP's Dh have this big urge to take all four minors on family vacation or this desire develop after he believes the older two should be considered aged out?
Time wise, it looks like the older children were likely about the age of the two younger children are now when the couple got together (last couple years of HS). Were there family vacations then?
My next question is, if the two younger children go on DH's desired vacation, how much , if any, of the financing would be expected to come out of OP's personal wallet or joint account?
I'd be a bit angry if I had not been able to family vacation (or at least vacationed for a weekend get away with just me and my two kids) for over five years (some of which the older kids were still minors) , but was now expected to go and help pay for my two skids 'family vacation'.
And I can honestly see why these four kids are not gun-ho about all being cramped in a vehicle vacationing together when they can't manage to fake like each other for a few hours on a normal regular day.
I can't help but recall the facetime call on that afternoon a month or so back. The one where OP and her DH were sitting on the sofa watching a movie and suddenly the skids (DH's kids) decided it was big old happy family time with BM, Dh, and the two kids telling stories and laughing away while OP sat there totally ignored and forgotten...for over an hour. One big happy family? Not.
I wonder if that's how the visit goes when OP and Dh have all the children together on an occasional afternoon and SF claims they aren't 'gelled'. Have these two older children been treated in these 'gelling sessions' the same way OP was treated during her DH's 'happy family reunion' facetime call?
I definitely can see how it
I definitely can see how it would irritate me if vacations couldn't happen before but now my DH decided that since mine were "out of the way" that the rest could just go all out and have fun.
If that was the case, I might take my own older kids with me on our own vacation.
Exactly! He says his aren't
Exactly! He says his aren't getting any younger. Well he didn't feel that way with mine. My ex still takes mine on vacation every year. They aren't too old to hang out with the parents.
Yes, my kids were exactly in
Yes, my kids were exactly in the same grades that his kids are now when we got together and not once did he offer or take my kids on a "family" vacation. I guess deep down I think about that too. We are always doing more for his than we ever did for mine. I get it if mine were grown the whole time, but I've been through these ages with mine while we were together. Those things weren't important. My DH has an ego. He hates seeing others do for his kids that's more than he can afford to do. His kids do not do without. They have wealthy grandparents and go on major vacations 4-5 times a year. I'm talking, Europe, cruises, etc. They do way more than the one trip we can take as a couple a year. Even if I said let's go tomorrow, the finances are a whole other story. We can't afford to take them on a big trip. We give his ex a huge portion of his check along with the other things he pays for...braces, etc....So yes, it would come out of our joint account meaning I'm paying for the trip too. And yes, DH does act differently towards my kids when he's around them alone then if his kids are there. It's like he doesn't want to hurt his kid's feelings so he pretty much ignores mine. When SD went outside and sat by herself when my son visited, he followed her to hang out with her. I get it will never be equal. They are his kids and mine are mine. It's just really hard sitting back, watching all this. Hearing how his are perfect and mine aren't. Doing things for his that he's never wanted to do for mine. I don't even know if it will change when they are out of high school. He seems to be the man that the skids will pretty much rule his life. I guess time will tell.
If he wants to take hid kids
If he wants to take hid kids on vacation, ON HIS DIME,then he should do so.
You are not obligated to vacation with them or helo pay for their trip.
your kids are clever.... and
your kids are clever.... and leave it be, no reason why you should be one big happy family.
Same situation, all I asked my kid was Christmas together, he can behave for an hour or 2 with Aergia and SO, he never liked them and he probably never will but it's his choice, he knows if we all spend time together he will respect every one, a couple off hours a year will not kill him.
Then your DH wanting to go on a holiday with his kids, let him go, you stay at home with yours and you do not contribute financially to his holiday. If you want to go on holiday with your kids, go, DH can stay at home and he does not contribute to your holiday...... then you and DH can holiday alone with no kids.... TG, Christmas etc, it's stay at home.....
You are trying to force a
You are trying to force a happy family template onto a blended family...not the same shape and not the same dynamics.
There is nothing wrong with wanting it (the big happy family) but if reality is showing that it won't happen then you will be a lot happier once you have accepted the picture of what your family really is.
I have accepted that
I have accepted that fact...he hasn't yet, his actions don't do anything to make it better.
It's hard. I am engaged to
It's hard. I am engaged to be remarried and I know it will never be one big happy family, and that is OK. We do one vacation a year together, and we each take our bio children on a mini get away once a year. Its a nice getaway. My soon to be MIL is turning 70 and we are having a surprise party. My son has a sporting even the same time that is very important to him. I told him he can go to that, and at first I assumed my fiance would be upset, but I told him that this is importatnt to him and I cannot take that away from him. We are not a traditional family and forcing him to go to a party when he wants to be at his sporting event will only cause resentment. Don't get me wrong, there will be times he has to be at things, but it is what it is. None of this remarriage/stepparenting is easy!
I find it strange that your
I find it strange that your DH is the one who says he wants "one big happy family" yet he doesn't think of your son as his son. Sounds like he wants it to be one big happy family when it's convenient for him and HIS kids.
Exactly!!!
Exactly!!!
Going on 8 years together and
Going on 8 years together and the kids have never really hit it off. SD16 has from the start and still today alienates herself from everyone if we're all at home. It is not uncommon to see DH, BS16, BD17 and myself laying around the living room to watch a movie...wheres SD16? She's camped out in her room. DH will ask and ask and ask her to come out and join us...nope. Its not going to happen. My kids have tried endlessly to get her to do things, they're both pretty outgoing, nope. They've given up too.
Difference here is my DH
Difference here is my DH would go camp out in the room with her because he doesn't want her feelings hurt or want her ignored...even though she's choosing to do that herself.
Ye Olde "One Way Street" Big
Ye Olde "One Way Street" Big Happy Family model (TM) most often displayed by hapless, insecure disney/guilty daddies.
Chef was like this for the first 6 years :sick:
So you survived it? There is
So you survived it? There is hope!
What is the sense of being
What is the sense of being together, if you are gonna do things separately. It has to be all or nothing. There is no way around it. Coming into a marriage with children is a package deal. When you get him then you get his kids, When he got you, he got your kids also. You didn't say how long you have been married to this man, but depending on how long you have been working at this determines how much longer it can be tolerated. Everyone has to come together in one room to discuss the issues at hand. Find out why there is a problem and whether it can be worked out. If no one wants to come to the table including your husband, then you may have to consider an alternative plan that he probably doesn't want either (separation). Everybody has to learn about relationships, they can learn it the easy way, or the hard way, either way you MUST ALWAYS DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Take good care of yourself first.