News to Me
I didn't know that BM was hitting BF up for money outside CS on a regular basis. I didn't know that she was blowing up his phone while he's working with these demands and threats that she'll take him to court. I didn't know that BF regularly receives mail from BM's lawyer. I have no idea what the mail from the lawyer could possibly say--BF pays CS every month on time and picks up the kids according to the custodial agreement.
I found all this out last night. BF and I got into an argument because we are moving and BF has been really on edge about cleaning the old place. His boss is kind of shady and still hasn't paid him his whole last check, but he paid him half of it in cash. BF says he really needs the security deposit money back. I didn't realize how bad it was. I wish BF would tell me these things. He said he doesn't want to bring me down, especially when there's nothing I can do about it.
BF's best friend has been on him to take BM back to court. BF can't afford lawyer fees and can't afford to miss work, plus there's the possibility that BM's lawyer (who is paid for by BM's mother) could try to take BF to the cleaners again. He's afraid of that, which is why BF never puts money in the bank and is okay with getting paid in cash (he reports all his earnings). However, BF also pays all his CS in cash, and he doesn't get a receipt from BM. There is the very, very slight chance that if she ever got desperate she could claim that the never paid CS and he would have no proof. I told him to start getting receipts or to pay with a check--hell, even a money order (to avoid putting all that into his checking account). I asked him why he put himself in such a vulnerable position if he knew the possible consequences, and he said that BM isn't quite that stupid and knows that if she ever tried that he'd "make her disappear." WTF BF. I'm not very happy right now.
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Comments
Haha Crayon, you're more of a
Haha Crayon, you're more of a reality punch than a reality check. However, I'm not worried about moving to the new place. Our finances are quite separate and BF has never hit me up for money. I think he'd rather stab himself in the foot. He has a very outdated sense of masculine pride.
I do think you're a little closer on #3 though. He certainly does NOT give in to all of her apparent demands, but he does sometimes give her extra cash for things like FSS's tuition and dental work on the kids. I don't mind really because it's his money (not mine) and he still pays his half of the bills.
I'm not ready for marriage
I'm not ready for marriage yet, regardless of BF's baggage. I will be attending law school next year, perhaps several hours away from BF. It did occur to me last night though that I might never marry BF if this mess isn't sorted out. I certainly wouldn't combine any funds with him, and I told him that. He said he didn't expect me to and he wouldn't ask.
As for telling him to get a real job, well they're not just handing out work right now. I have been there and seen BF do the job search, fill out applications, go to interviews, and he was really lucky to even get this job. His other option would be to reenlist, but he said he's done with the military and I don't really want that either. We don't like his boss or this work situation at all, but those are the circumstances at the moment and we have to deal with them. I don't think he'd mind them taking the CS out of his paycheck if he was getting stable paychecks.
He could Western Union the
He could Western Union the money to her. Then it is 'just cash' ... with a paper trail. I would if I were him. He could tell her he doesn't like carrying aorund cash
However if there is a future for the 2 of you he has to be a little more forthcoming. He also needs to stop her contact for unneccessary things. Suggest he sets up an email account for the 2 of them then nothing is 'misunderstood'. He can tell her he is giving up his cell phone and only will have computer or landline.
The more I read on this site the more I think I am pretty lucky.
And I resolve NEVER to be an ex who gets a starring rols on this site. EVER. And my heart goes out to the rest of you.
I totally agree. It's really
I totally agree. It's really basic stuff, and it just blows my mind that he shrugs it off with "she's not stupid enough to try that." I think he's probably embarrassed that he's being so careless. Ugh. I can't change the past payments, but I can make sure he leaves a paper trail from now on.
I read this and had a flash
I read this and had a flash back. DH's divorce degree stated to "share half of the expenses". This statement was under the medical expense heading. When I first met DH on top of the $1000 a month CS, $475 a month he handed her for her medical insurance (first 2 years, 1/2 of the kid's school related expenses, 1/2 of day care including summer programs (with included a gym membership for the beast) he was given her 1/2 the money for all other expenses....she took him to the movies, got him new clothes, haircuts, baby sitting services for when she went on dates.....DH paid her back half!!!! Once she came back from Kohl's telling me what she got for herself....$150.00....she asked DH for half and he gave to her! He even paid her back for 1/2 her gas everyweek...because going to work was child related. I asked DH don't you get receipts...he said NO...I don't want to piss her off. I said well.....doesn't that worl both ways.....1/2 expenses. He no its only for her. I thought that was really f'ed up. I started saving receipts, if I got the kid a soda...I saved the receipts. Next time she asked for 1/2 her money...I pulled out my records and said maybe we can offset the expenses. You had to see the look on her face. I told both of them half the expense only pertains to medical expenses....read the degree....like always I was wrong.
When we took her back to court the lawyer was going over all he was paying her. This half expense thing came up. The lawyer had a real puzzled looke don her and said you have the standard agreement that only applies to medical expenses. DH said...but, but, its in there. The lawyer said....you are a dummy. I almost fell of the chair.
Read the degree and make sure his sticks to it because if you take her back into court and you haven't been following the degree...the judge will was why is this such a problem now.
BF's divorce agreement has
BF's divorce agreement has something along those lines in it. I've heard him say that it's for medical/dental as well as educational costs. That's why he will give her money for FSS's tuition and the kids' dentist. He doesn't pay her for all the little things she gets on him about, but those things he will.
My DH did this during the
My DH did this during the first several years that we were dating, unknown to me at the time. He was paying all CS in cash and was also giving BM extra cash for medical bills, school supplies, new clothes, sports registration and equipment, etc. Once I became aware of what was going on I explained it to DH and he started writing checks for CS and any other reimbursements so at least he had proof of his payments.
It sounds like in your situation the BM knows that she is in control and she is taking full advantage of DH. Let DH know that any cash he gives to BM can be considered "gifts" by the court and may not qualify as payment for medical/dental/educational costs - especially if he doesn't have any receipts.
Thank you. I think I can get
Thank you. I think I can get DH to see the light on this one. Even though it's unfortunate that he was being so careless about it, he still has quite a few more years of CS to go, so this is definitely a worthwhile change. Now that I am aware of it and can chap his rear about it, it can be fixed.
I must say...personally my
I must say...personally my exh will give me cash of deposit a check for me-depending on if I will be seeing him that week for the kids exchange or not.
NO-he has never reimbursed half the medical/dental expenses...YES he owes me thousands in back support over the years (which I decided to forget about).
And still I would not dream of taking him to court as he's paying faithfully because he didn't have proof he paid me. I guess there are shitty women/people out there that would do that. And if he ever asked for receipt I'd be glad to oblige.
That sounds exactly like my
That sounds exactly like my mother. She was just happy to be getting any CS for me at all, and even though I heard people telling her to take him to court, she never wanted to risk it. He (my dad) was already getting paid under the counter so that they couldn't garnish his wages.
It seems like some really twisted irony that the non-custodial parents who pay CS and then some are the ones who fear the court system, whereas the ones who are less reliable are treated more leniently due to flight-risk. There needs to be a better way.
YES...my exh worked under the
YES...my exh worked under the table many times...then he threateend to leave the country more times then I can count-and he did have family to go back to. I was always scared of rocking the boat w/that threat
Wow, do we know you? My
Wow, do we know you?
My father did leave the country. In his case it was actually beneficial to everyone involved, but I'm pretty sure he won't move his new family back to the states because CA still has him owing several years of CS, plus more to the IRS.