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OT-what is up with mothers??? great article for full-time step moms

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 04/16/2013 - 11:48pm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/complete-without-kids/201104/what-s-...

read this and thought about some here...very well said!!! My hats off to full-time SMOMS out there...not sure I could do it...

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Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 6:59am

Dog person,

Sorry but you inspired a mini rant. really hate it when people say or imply I can't possibly understand anything to do with kids or parenting because I didn't have one of my own. I get that all the time.

My mom called me my sisters' second mother. She told me I had very good instincts with them. Heck I was usually the one who found my baby sister whenever she wandered off and decided to fall asleep odd places: in a crib full of dolls, and then a pile of clean laundry.
I was in just as much a panic as my mom.

I've also cared for many other people's kids

I've witnessed grown men verbally abuse and threaten children and I was appalled, and thats puttig it nicely. but other people would ask me, do you have kids? Implying I can't possibly be appalled unless I have kids of my own.

Yes, I get it. I do. I've always said if I were a bio parent I would be more accepting and forgiving than with my SS. I get that it's different with your own. I don't need any more lectures.

Dog person I'm sorry thoughtless people have added insult to injury regarding your trauma.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 7:05am

I actually was a little offended by this article and didn't see a lot of connections to the crazy BMs. It was sexist in my opinion.
I'd like for many single moms to read this article and hear their reaction. Where is the same level of outrage when fathers abandon their children. Oh, it's frowned upon sure. But why are people so quick to crucify women who do the same thing.

And since when were kids the mother's full responsibility. I thought it took two to make a baby.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 6:58pm

Honestly, fathers who do this have been all over the news for the last, hmmm...at least 15 years? Like on Pizza boxes and stuff? Not sure, but every since I can remember I have only heard of deadbeat dads who disappear and never a mother...so, I don't see how pointing the finger the other way can be construed as sexist...really.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 9:10am

I fully admit failing my daughter for a man. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my entire life and it will haunt me until the day I die. I suffer for it every day with the loss of having my daughter with me full time.

I stayed too long out of abuse, fear and terror. He was horrible to me and my daughter and if I had to do it all over again, I never would've given him the time of day.

I will admit that I fucked up. But, I've also seen the error of my ways and have worked hard to rebuild a relationship with my girl as well as become somewhat civil with the ex (when he'll actually listen to me). I'm making up for some of the stupid shit I've done and DD15 and I have an excellent relationship.

She was just here for spring break and she said, "You know, I love my plane rides back and forth and feel like I have the best of both worlds now that dad has 'come around'. I get to hang with him and my friends during the school year and just about when I feel like I need a break, I get to come hang with you and your DH".

I've done SOMETHING right with her. She's respectful, courteous, polite, and yes, RESILIENT. She told me that she wouldn't be the strong person she is today if we hadn't gone through what we have and she wouldn't want it to be any other way.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 9:34am

Thanks dogperson. I will forever beat myself up for doing what I've done but I realize one of these days I need to forgive myself. She's already forgiven me (a long time ago) and our relationship is very strong. I wish everyone here could meet her just once. And then meet stepdevil14 to see the difference.

You've always been so kind and sweet to me girl! Thanks for the nice words. I've learned it's better to admit that you've fucked up and gain respect and trust back the good old fashioned way instead of sweeping everything under the rug and pretending you've done it all right!

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 9:45am

Thanks again Dog person - you made me smile. And I so can't wait to get back to your side of the country someday. We WILL meet and have a glass (or a few bottles) of our favorite wine and have a great time together!

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 9:46am

Yeah, I let her go to live with her dad full time since I knew he had a more stable environment and I needed to get my shit together for her.

Thanks!

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Wed, 04/17/2013 - 10:12am

I hear ya. I definitely am not looking for sympathy because frankly I don't DESERVE that. No one should ever feel sorry for me for being so selfish and scared that my daughter suffered for so long.

And you're right - caring for a child doesn't just come down to physical custody. We all know parents (either moms or dads) that have physical custody of their kids and aren't an active participant in their lives (i.e. my ex, who just NOW after 3 yrs and my DD threatening to move out has stepped up to the plate and has begun being there emotionally for her).

And I see my DH's struggles to parent his daughter even though she wants nothing to do with him and has her head shoved up her mom's ass so far she can see out her mouth. All because mommy lets her do what she wants and dad says NO sometimes...